More than a fuck buddy, not quite a relationship....what are we?

Former Member

So, first a bit of background I guess: I'm early 20s, not a big people person, no serious relationships, no 'best friends', anxious and all that..but socially acceptbale, I'm not obviously uncomfortable around people, just inwardly. He is approaching 40 with a mental age of a preteen ( I know a lot of people say this, but in this case, just believe me), a serial filanderer, but weirdly adorable. We got together about 2 years ago, through work, and decided to keep it wuiet because of work and it wasn't serious, we were just fucking. I knew I liked him but so is my stupidity I went with the "something is better than nothing" approach (which is pretty much where I'm still at). He then started seeing someone but neglected to tell me until I found out, we split for about a month but I have no willpower when it comes to this guy so I went back to him, and just chose to not ask whether he was still seeing this other person... he was, but that soon ended and I was still there. This has happened repeatedly, in fact about twice a year we split for a month because someone else catches his eye, normally someone he can boast to his friends about ( I'm not small, blonde, pretty, I'm just normal... not ugy or fat or difficult, just too normal... not someone to be "proud" of, in his eyes), so yeah, we split for about a month but we always end up back together, whether he is single or not ( please don't judge me, I hate myself for it but I have never been able to say no to this guy). But everynow and then things seems ot be great with us, he texts me regularly, we see each other regularly, we've even spent christmas, new year, weekends away together, yet everytime I even slightly say something about us, he gets freaked or angry. I mean, this is more than a fuck buddy thing, even if it started like that. I stay at his whether we have sex or not, I know his friends, he knows mine, but why does he not want to date me? I think it's something that I have as well, i think it's the "want what you can't have" syndrome, i want him because he's difficult and he doesn't want me because I'm easy... but is there anyway out of this, or do I keep getting my heartbroken gradually by staying with him, or break my heart completely by leaving him? It seems an impossible situation and I'm just lost, he's the only person I've ever wanted a serious relationship with, and it terrifies me that it's never going to happen.

There's probably more to this story, I'm trying to be as honest as possible without sugar coating so you all don't think I'm quite as pathetic, or making it out to be worse than it is... sometime it's great, honestly, but sometimes it's horrible and it is constantly confusing and upsetting. but I've never had anyone fall for me before, so maybe it is me and not him?

Maybe I need some reassurance, or maybe I need someone to kick me into touch, but does anyone else have any similar experiences, and what did you do?

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

Former Member

No judgement at all! You're not the first person to end up in a situation like this and it's easy to see how it can happen. When someone is nasty 100% of the time we can write them off straight away as not worth our time but when things go back and forth it's easy to focus on the good bits and keep hanging on waiting for them to come around again which is what it sounds like you might be doing.

Fuck buddies can work really well for some people and there's nothing wrong with the arrangement when everyone is on the same page but it sounds like you might be after more than he is willing to give which can be where problems occur. TheSite has an article on the pros and cons of fuck buddies which might be worth a read.

In situations like this, communication is key. As a human being you deserve to have your needs met and shouldn't have to settle for less just to have someone there for you. If he is unwilling to listen or accommodate your needs unless it suits him this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship, but from what you've written it sounds like you are already acknowledging that this arrangement is not healthy for you. It could be worth reading this answer to a similar question. It focuses a lot on building up your self esteem and friendships to give you the confidence to step away from him if he isn't making you happy.

Ultimately what you decide to do is up to you and no one else can make that decision for you but you deserve to be happy with someone who cares about your own happiness rather than putting up with what they want for fear of being alone.

Former Member

Hello Wolfenstein,

From what you have written you sound like you are giving yourself a pretty hard time by staying in this relationship which you describe as horrible, confusing and upsetting.

You do not deserve to be left feeling like this, but I understand that sometimes things are good. Sometimes writing a good/bad list can be helpful- think of all the things he does that make you sad and those which make you happy. - Is one list considerably longer that the other?

Sometimes even when we know people are no good for us it can be really hard to let them go, especially when we have very low self-esteem which it sounds like you do, I think there is a lot to be said for learning to love ourselves and sometimes this begins with letting people go who put us down and treat us badly.

I hope this is helpful and keep posting for support here.