Hearing voices! Need help! - (self harm content could be triggering)

Former Member

I've heard voices for 3 years, having paranoid episodes, seeing image, cutting. They're horrible and I hate them. They yell at me, tell me to kill people and myself, tell me I'm a terrible person, that things aren't real, show me horrible images. I know they're not real, but that doesn't make them any easier to deal with. I'm also an extremely high achieving 16 year old (number 3 in my class, 6 AP classes, involved in a lot clubs). Last semester, several weeks before model UN, they offered me a deal that for every minute I had a convo with someone, I had to cut 5 times as well as for every 10 texts I sent, I had to cut 5 times or bite myself 50 times or skip meals or cut on my wrist once and for every suicide note I wrote, I could skip 50 cuts. I could talk to people as long as I wanted if they needed my help. In exchange, they would leave me alone during model UN, so I could focus. It got bad with almost 150 cuts and a good number of bites. I hated seeing them, because of the way it made me feel. They ended up leaving me alone for weeks after model UN before coming back, and it was great. This semester, they offered a similar deal for all the stuff I have going on, like they leave me alone for the times I am taking AP tests and competitions. In exchange 25 cuts per 10 texts, 50 per minute convo and I can't tell friends. I don't want to fail and the competitions, but I hate what this means I have to do to myself. Anyone have advice? I've already seen a counselor and I'm on risperodone, lamotragine and trazodone. I don't have an official diagnosis

Former Member

Hey there and welcome to the site

Thats a really rough time you're going through. I'm sorry in advance for I do not have much personal experience of voices to greatly however I do know about self harming, counselling, doctors etc. I think it might be worth you to go back to your doctors or councellor and explain something really isn't right. I don't really understand how you have the medication without a formal diagnosis - is this because they are not entriely sure of an exact one yet? It just sounds a little strange to me that's all. Again I don't know your personal situation.

Either way, you do not sound okay and I'm worried about how often you are hurting yourself. I know it's really tricky to deal with those sorts of feelings and inner voices, but have you got some distractions that you could substiture for the harming? Some of these include: chewing ice cubes, holding ice cubes, cold showers, drawing red lines, musical things, excersise, baking, crafting, wearing elastic bands around your wrists where you can just pull them a little bit - it will still hurt but it is definetley safer. Again I know this is incredibly difficult but it can be helpful to have some on standby.

Please let us know how you are getting on. We can all offer you support here

Former Member

To Jazzmarazz

They think I'm either schizophrenic or bipolar, but there's no official. The first time I cut was in a deal with the voices. After I started to cut impulsively to deal with stress sometimes, sometimes even endangering my own life. I stopped that cutting a while back. This is different. I receive no pleasure from this pain, only pain and guilt. It's just something I do at the end of the day almost mechanically. I'm not coping with pain. I'm just trying to get out of hearing them during important things because they make them hard. They even told me I could get out of this deal after 4 victories in regional or state competitions. This is just a part of a deal, just something I trade for a chance of success. Holding ice would be unhelpful. And, I've cut 85 times in the past 3 days and am skipping meals, so I'm not getting along well.

Former Member

It doesn't matter what you are getting out from self harming. The important thing here is the fact it sounds like it's still going on and for irrational reasons (not that rational reasons are much better). Self harm can turn into an addiction which needs it's own way of treatment in addition to other things too and I do understand that yours arises from your mental health disorder.

I think you need to go back and explain what you are saying on here to the doctor. They can find better ways to help you if what they are doing for you now isn't quite right or working to well. It sounds like there are some deeper, more complex issues going on.

Just a note, please be aware that these posts can be triggering for other people to come across so please keep in mind and be sensetive when you are talking about self harm and the actions you are describing.

Former Member

Hi jagjag,

First of all, the fact you've been so honest and articulate about what's going on for you at the moment is really impressive. It's not easy opening up in that way, even if it's on a forum like this.

From what you've said, it sounds like your voices can be pretty dominating and are forcing you into quite complex and increasingly extreme deals, which always involve you physically hurting yourself. I get the sense that things are escalating a little too. Is that how it feels?

You mentioned being high achieving, taking 6 AP classes and participating in a model UN. While it's amazing that you're so engaged at school and appear to be doing so well, it seems that you feel under a great deal of pressure. While I could be wrong - please correct me if I am - it follows that the people around you might have high expectations of you and the things you can achieve. I'm thinking mainly of your teachers, parents and possibly friends here. Does that ring true? Do you have high expectations of yourself too? The reason I ask is to build up a bit of context. Would you say the voices seem to embody a pressure to succeed for example?

You also mentioned that you have seen a counsellor, and despite having no official diagnosis, are on various types of medication. Taking that step can be pretty daunting, so it's great that you have. How did it go? Are the meds helping at all? Have the voices said anything about it?

In your original post, you asked for advice. It feels like continued professional support is solid option, but additionally there are range of coping strategies that might potentially help too. There's a project here in the UK called 'Voice Collective' that has produced a Guide to coping and recovery, which you might find helpful. It's aimed at parents, but contains a list of coping strategies that you may like to try (under the categories: calming, expressing, distracting and empowering). Perhaps you could also share it with some of the people in your life to help them understand what you're experiencing?

I realise there are a lot of questions there! If there are too many or you don't feel comfortable answering them, that's absolutely fine

Let us know how you're doing,
James