Need this to stop

Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
(Just a warning, this does include talk of self harm, dont want to upset anyone :) )

Things at training have just been getting worse for me recently. The comment that have been happening for the last couple of weeks have started to die down a bit but i went back to my bag after training and someone had left some razors in my bag with a note that just said "these could help you end it". They know i struggle with self harm sometimes as they saw the cuts on my arm the other week and most know whats going on for me right now so i dont get why they would want to do this. How can they not see how it makes me feel!?

Im seriously considering not going training on Tuesdays and Thursdays where i have to see these people which might mean i wont make teams next year but at the moment i dont care.

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie An empath EnglandPosts: 1,294 Fanatical Poster
    I'm so sorry that happened:( thats horrible. I'm a bit short of words today but i'm thinking of you and i hope youre okay*hug*
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    Shaunie wrote: »
    I'm so sorry that happened:( thats horrible. I'm a bit short of words today but i'm thinking of you and i hope youre okay*hug*

    Thanks. Hope you are okay too? :heart:
  • SunshineSoulSunshineSoul Relationship Squadee Posts: 57
    Hi Esme,

    ​Sorry to hear that this has happened to you, I hope you're alright. It's certainly never okay for this to happen and it sounds like you are surrounded by negative influences at training and they are purposefully trying to make you feel worse and put you down. If you wish to continue with training and you're comfortable to do so, it may be worth telling someone about this incident to prevent it from happening again. It is extremely serious that these people were implying for you to harm yourself and they need to be made aware of how their actions can influence you and other people whom they could be saying similar things to. What if they do a similar thing to someone else whom is not as strong as you to deal with it?

    ​Their behaviour shouldn't mean you have to miss out on making the team - that's not fair on you at all, however if you feel that it's better for your health to take yourself out of the situation then by all means stop going to training, but before doing that and missing out on what you really want to do I would suggest speaking to your Coach and informing them of what happened. Your Coach is there to support you and I am sure they will be glad that you made them aware of this situation, this way the group can be dealt with by someone in authority and you will still be able to go to training as you want and have that support system in place for the future.

    ​Try not to listen to the negative people Esme, they're not worth it! :heart:

    - Sunny :rainbow:


  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    Hey Sunny,

    Yeah im doing okay. im trying to not let it effect me but its quite hard. I really want to train so that i can make trials next season and hopefully do well but im finding it hard to motivate myself to go to training because i dont like thinking about what could happen. i guess im trying to hide away from it all and hope that it will end soon.
  • SunshineSoulSunshineSoul Relationship Squadee Posts: 57
    As you said in the title of this post "need this to stop" do you think that the best way for that to happen would be to inform your coach about it? Hiding away from our problems never seem to work out, well that's the case for me anyway. Sometimes it takes someone to stand up against wrong behaviour to bring it to an end, that doesn't have to be you but it needs to be someone like your coach so that their behaviour gets shut down because it is wrong, it is harmful and should not be tolerated, it's not fair on you to have to go through something like that.

    ​I know it will be difficult to approach your coach and talk about what happened but do you think it may be better than constantly worrying about what might happen next at training? Alternatively you could always approach the people in your training group and tell them what they did was wrong and how it affected you. Sometimes we just have to make people think twice about their actions and hope there is some human decency left in them somewhere to recognise what they did was wrong.

    ​I'm glad you're okay, do you think you'll be going to training tomorrow? If you decide to go tomorrow, perhaps you could get there a bit earlier or contact your coach in advance to speak with them privately.

    ​If you don't mind me asking, have you told anyone else about what happened, like family or friends?

    - Sunny :rainbow:

  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    I cant see what my coach could do to stop it and i dont want to make things worse by telling them. I have decided that i never want to speak to them again so i am not going to go to them about it and i am thinking about emailing my coach and letting them know whats happening but struggling to word it.

    I probably will go tomorrow night but i might ask if i can move into a lower level group. Even though it means i will find the session super easy it would let me get away from the people in the top group. No one knows apart from people on here.
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 162 The Mix convert
    Hey :),

    This is a really difficult situation , informing ur coach would be a really good step tho, if ur finding it hard to word the email u could just type out what u basically want to say and then go over it again, replacing words u might think would be better.

    The people at training are low levelled idiots (polite way of putting it) and it's a real shame their being like this, I hope moving down a level to get away from them will help, at least that way you can continue doing what u like.

    I just wish those bullies could be put in their place, they clearly have no idea what there doing because who does that knowing how it could effect someone


    Hope tomorrow night goes well

    J x
  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    Very polite way of putting it ;)

    I have typed an email out a few times today and then deleted it because it didnt seem right. The thing is, i swear a couple of them know how it could effect people which makes it worse i think.

    Thanks, Esme x
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Two little ducks
    Hey @Esme17 :wave:

    ​It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation that you are in and it's awful to hear that this has happened to you. I can understand that you are feeling conflicted about what to do now. On one hand you don't want it to happen again, but on the other hand you don't want to inform your coach as you worry what would happen next.

    ​I agree with the replies here about informing your coach. A lot of us have had issues before that we are afraid to talk about and it takes a lot of strength to do this. But you are here, and you have taken that step already and have spoken about it on this post.

    ​From experience, I know that sometimes it is easier to be quiet and hide away from things. But as time goes on, we end up depriving ourselves of things and keeping it bottled up. So with yourself, you'll be missing out on the team and your practice, when you don't deserve that. If I'm honest, it seems to me that the people that have done this to you should have the privilege of practice taken away from them as they have acted horribly. It also means that by not saying anything, these people think that it is ok to do that and it can happen again, even to someone else.

    ​I think that emailing your coach is a good idea if you are nervous speaking to them in person. Your coach will want to help and will want to stop what is happening. So know that they will be on your side and could offer you support through this time. So it's great to hear that you are starting to type it out and figure out what to say.

    ​Is there anyone else that you can talk to or be around to support you at this time?


    -PositiveAura:rainbow2:

  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    Im trying to work out of telling someone is the best thing to do. I feel like if i tell someone then it would potentially stop but only if the coach said something to them to make it stop but then i also think that it could get worse after they find out that i told on them and then they will think i am weak and cannot cope by myself.

    i dont feel like i have anyone i can talk to about it. Whenever something happens i never really talk to anyone and so it would be weird if i suddenly went to my parents or something for help now after years of not talking so that isnt an option for me.
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,064 Moderator
    What an awful thing for someone to do to another person. :( You've done so well to talk about it here Esme, and we'll always be happy to listen. Whatever you decide to do, you're being incredibly brave with all of this. Some amazing advice here too - I agree with everything said above.
    Esme17 wrote:
    I feel like if i tell someone then it would potentially stop but only if the coach said something to them to make it stop but then i also think that it could get worse after they find out that i told on them and then they will think i am weak and cannot cope by myself.

    Of course none of us could guarantee anything here, but I would imagine your coach would both want and be obligated to take action if you brought something like this to them. Either way, I would be very surprised if nothing happened as a result. If you were to tell them, one would hope they'd be glad you came forward and really respect you for it. :yes:

    The bit in bold stood out to me, as well. Given how they've treated you and what you're going through despite all this, I'd be very surprised if anyone ('weak' or 'strong') could get through this solely by themselves. They'd have to be some kind of superhuman! I don't know if you feel this way anyway or if it's more a concern you have about their perception of you, but you certainly aren't weak. That much is clear just by you posting here - something that takes a lot of courage.

    I totally hear what you're saying about telling your coach potentially having some negative consequences, as well. Are these people you see outside of practice as well as during? It might be worth bearing in mind that during practice, you (presumably) would at least have your coach to keep an eye on things and stop things getting worse, if they were still allowed to practice. This is also a perfectly valid thing to tell them if you do end up sending that email - that you're worried about things getting worse, and I'd imagine they'd do their absolute best to make sure it doesn't.

    Again, can't say anything for sure of course, but hopefully talking things through here is helping. It's important that you're comfortable with your decision, so please do feel free to continue using this space as much as you like. :yes:

    Keep us updated. *hug*
    < 3
  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    @Mike You actually made me cry then. How am i such a mess at the moment! Thank you so much :)

    I know my coach would probably have to help me if i told them but i actually am finding it so hard to say something. I send an email saying that i needed to talk to them about something that was upsetting me but then after training tonight she came over to me and i refused to say anything. I really do think it will be worse if i say something and i cant get that thought out my head. I see a couple of them out of training but not too often.

    I do feel weak at the moment. I feel so lonely and helpless to do anything. It getting to me so much for some reason and making me so scared to go to training in case something happens. I like to see myself as a strong person but i really haven't been strong at all recently. Talking on here is helping me quite a bit though, it makes me feel that there are a few people who listen to me and actually care which is more than i feel off here.
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 144 The Mix convert
    Hi Esme,

    It can be hard to open up to someone about how we feel but once we have opened up to someone it can make us feel a lot better. Well done for writing that email and its ok you weren't able to speak to her last night, it is something which might take a while to be able to do. Your coach should want the best for you so you can hope that they will try and help you in this situation.

    I am glad that you feel that talking on here is helping a little bit we are all here to try and support you the best we can. I also think that you are a strong person for being able to open up and talk about what's happening on here. Your defiantly not weak.:)

    How you feeling today?

    Rayofhope:rainbow:
    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 234
    Hi Esme

    Thank you for reaching out to us again - I'm so sorry these complete lowlifes (again polite!!!) continue to bully and put you down. It's completely unacceptable and wrong what they've been saying and doing. Echoing the comments above, you are being so strong talking through it. Also for carrying on with training because you still want to meet your goals! That's not weak! As much as I hope this will end by itself as they will get bored, it might not - so well done for writing the email to your coach, that is a first step towards the end of all this. It's totally fine that you weren't able to talk to her last session but I hope you might be able to build up to it in time.

    You're a human being and we all feel weak sometimes, but you are clearly stronger than you think. Let us know how you're getting on?

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    I really don’t know when I will feel ready to speak to my coach but hopefully I will be able to soon. I am kind of hoping that it might end sometime soon because I am away visiting my nan and so won’t be at training for the next 6 days. Hopefully, they won’t continue when I get back!
    I’m doing okay at the moment thanks. Having quite a few argument with my mum again this week but that’s not really bothering me much.
  • independent_independent_ Boards Baby ScotlandPosts: 1,049 Fanatical Poster
    Hiya @Esme17 ,

    I think you're doing absolutely great and being very brave speaking out on here about this - it's absolutely awful and you should have seen my reaction when I read your first post. Shocking behaviour!!

    As the others have pointed out, I'm sure your coach would want to help you (they might even be required help you in this type of situation) as it, to me, comes across as quite an unsafe situation with the things they are saying and doing to you.

    It might well go away when you get back (particularly if you haven't been reacting to it in front of them) but there's a chance that it won't so well done for sending that first email to your coach. It's ok to say to her that you're finding it difficult to talk about in person and that you'd rather talk about it through email - then it's on your terms and you have plenty more time to think about what you actually want to say.

    I hope you're doing okay and, during your time off, not letting it get to you too much. All of the polite ways of describing them are correct (I wouldn't have been so polite ;)

    Take care of yourself.

    Eleanor
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Two little ducks
    Hi Esme.:)


    ​It certainly sounds like a very difficult situation, but as you can see there are plenty of us on here to listen and help in any way that we can. Even if it is just a place that you can vent out your feelings and help you feel less lonely. I hope some time away with your Nan helps with this too and you enjoy the break.

    ​I understand how this may have brought a feeling of appearing 'weak' but I assure you, like everyone else has, that it takes such strength to open up about what has happened to you and to express your feelings. And it also takes a lot of strength to continue going to training, showing up to things and trying to talk to your coach about it. So try to remember all of the things that you are doing now and how brave these are. It's going to happen when you are ready so whatever we can do to help with that.

    ​It is good to hear that you are slowly working around talking to your coach too and I can see why you may be worried about what may happen afterwards. I just want to reassure you that your coach will deal with it delicately. I have been in situations when I was much younger and teachers have found out about me being bullied. Now, usually they deal with it in a way that doesn't reveal that you are the person that has told them about what has happened. For example, your coach may bring it up with these people and say that somebody else has told them or they overheard someone talking about it, things like that where you aren't dropped in it if that's what you want.

    ​I found a link on here that would've definitely helped me in the past: www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/beat-bullying-6285.html
    ​I know it speaks of bullying but there are some useful tips on there that may help you feel better about your experience.

    ​I hope this helps some of your worries. And if you choose to tell anyone else I know that a lot of people will feel proud of you for talking about it and trying to overcome it. Again, it takes a lot of strength, no matter how long it may take.


    ​-PositiveAura:rainbow2:
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