I have never spoke a word to anyone regarding my mental health, I have never been diagnosed with anything either. Over the last year/2 years or so I have noticed I have been becoming increasingly unhappy with my life and feel like it is going nowhere. Every day I wake up and feel like I have no purpose, I feel like I have no meaningful connections with other people or a connection with someone on an emotional level where we can discuss our feelings and why we feel like we do. I want to be able to develop emotional connections with people but i just don't seem to be able to, I have never had a proper girlfriend, I have tried to put myself out there but the struggling to open up about my feelings i think makes it hard for people to understand me, i also do not do well with rejection if i get ignored it plays on my mind and shatters my confidence, which is probably why if i do ever start talking/seeing someone i just constantly think they want someone better than me, that i am not good enough. This has led to me to feel extremely lonely. I have family and friends but I do not trust them enough to tell them how I am feeling, I don't think they would take it seriously and I do not think they would be able to help either. I was abandoned as a baby by my Dad and have lived with my mum for all my life, my Dad came back into my life for about a year when I turned 13 and I have not spoken to him since. I do not have the best relationship with my Mum either, I argue with her nearly everyday and I hate being in the same room as her. I love her because she is my Mum and has raised me on her own but I do not like her or the way she is. I feel bad that I feel that way about her but i cannot help it, it only seems to get worse over time. I seem to have some good and bad days, mostly bad and i do have daily thoughts that maybe i would be better off if I killed myself, maybe this constant feeling of not being good enough, being lonely and unloved is worse than ending it. I would not follow it through, definitely not in the immediate future. I have not thought up any plans of how to do it, but it scares me that it keeps popping in my head when i start feeling down about things i do not want it to get to that extremity. I have always been one to bottle up my emotions and not tell people how i really feel about them, only time I do tell people is when i lose my temper and get angry. I am a very angry person inside my mood is constantly switching from anger to sadness. Sometimes the littlest things can tip me over the edge and i have on many occasions smashed things up in my house due to the anger, once it goes i cannot control it, i stop myself from hitting whoever makes me angry but i have that feeling of i want to hurt something or see something get destroyed because i think it will make me feel better. It never does but its the only way i know how to cope. with the anger.
I want to know if anyone else here has felt like this at some point and what the outcome was? I am sure many of you have felt like this and most probably have been in worse situations and had to deal with a lot more than this, but your feelings are you feelings and you cannot stop them. Anyone who has been in similar situations or felt similar what did you do to try and change? I have thought about going to a therapist but I do not think i am ready for one yet, the thought of opening up and showing a person my vulnerabilities scares me.