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Re: Having a parent who hoards
Hi @Laura_tigger82 thanks for replying.
Yes I feel really alone in this because nobody knows and I have to keep it secret. I’ve honestly only managed to talk about it here because it’s got to the point where I feel like it’s seriously affecting my life. Or maybe it’s just taken me until recently to realise that living in a hoarder home really isn’t right. I think it’s a bit of both, but I’m struggling a lot with it now, so I can’t keep it to myself anymore.
I really don’t know how to make it feel more manageable. I think clearing my own bedroom a bit will be helpful to at least have some space somewhere, but then that’s difficult because of the way my mum is about it. Like she’ll want to keep things to give to other family members in case they want them, or something needs to go to charity so she’ll just keep my old stuff downstairs in everyone’s way (for months before it’s given away), and she tells me off for bombarding her with it or doing it at the ‘wrong time’. She’s very controlling when it comes to what we get rid of, but she says she isn’t. It’s very confusing being told things by her that literally aren’t true.
I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Nobody knows about hoarding, and I don’t know anyone who’s going through the same. I want to know how I convince my mum to get help, because it’s literally impossible. I want someone to do it all for me because this affects me enough as it is. I don’t want to do all the hard work researching how to be my mum’s therapist, because I’m not mentally capable of doing any of that - and I think I’ve suffered enough!! I just want to get her help without being in trouble or literally kicked out and abandoned for it. My mum doesn’t see how bad it is, and it’s like she doesn’t care. I can’t live like this anymore, and I don’t want to deal with everything that’s to come. I just want her to get help before it gets any worse, but she can’t even see that she needs it!!
I’ll have an escape from the house soon enough when I go to university but there’s the whole thing of coming back and seeing how bad it really is. Plus I feel bad leaving my sister in such an awful environment with nobody who’ll speak up if it gets dangerous. I’m scared the house will burn down and they’ll all die while I’m away at uni. I guess that could happen anyway, the risk is just slightly higher for my family. I just don’t like how I won’t know the state of the house. I feel kind of responsible for it now because I’m one of 4 people in the world who knows what it’s really like, and now I realise it’s not right.
I want it to get better. Everyone will be happier in a nicer environment. I wish my mum would let me help her get rid of stuff, but even talking to her about it is almost impossible. She’s so defensive, like why can’t she just admit the problem to me - I can clearly see it!!
I don’t know at what point I should reach out to someone to get help for my mum. Do I wait until something bad happens? Wait for her to start hoarding rubbish or for the house to become toxic? I have no idea and I really hate having to be the oldest child in charge of all this stuff. I need help for myself too now because I was forced to live like this for so long. I love my mum but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for this. She must’ve known it was bad if we’re not allowed to tell anyone. I just wish she cared enough about me to do the right thing. She says she cares but she doesn’t show it. It’s incredibly confusing.
Yes I feel really alone in this because nobody knows and I have to keep it secret. I’ve honestly only managed to talk about it here because it’s got to the point where I feel like it’s seriously affecting my life. Or maybe it’s just taken me until recently to realise that living in a hoarder home really isn’t right. I think it’s a bit of both, but I’m struggling a lot with it now, so I can’t keep it to myself anymore.
I really don’t know how to make it feel more manageable. I think clearing my own bedroom a bit will be helpful to at least have some space somewhere, but then that’s difficult because of the way my mum is about it. Like she’ll want to keep things to give to other family members in case they want them, or something needs to go to charity so she’ll just keep my old stuff downstairs in everyone’s way (for months before it’s given away), and she tells me off for bombarding her with it or doing it at the ‘wrong time’. She’s very controlling when it comes to what we get rid of, but she says she isn’t. It’s very confusing being told things by her that literally aren’t true.
I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Nobody knows about hoarding, and I don’t know anyone who’s going through the same. I want to know how I convince my mum to get help, because it’s literally impossible. I want someone to do it all for me because this affects me enough as it is. I don’t want to do all the hard work researching how to be my mum’s therapist, because I’m not mentally capable of doing any of that - and I think I’ve suffered enough!! I just want to get her help without being in trouble or literally kicked out and abandoned for it. My mum doesn’t see how bad it is, and it’s like she doesn’t care. I can’t live like this anymore, and I don’t want to deal with everything that’s to come. I just want her to get help before it gets any worse, but she can’t even see that she needs it!!
I’ll have an escape from the house soon enough when I go to university but there’s the whole thing of coming back and seeing how bad it really is. Plus I feel bad leaving my sister in such an awful environment with nobody who’ll speak up if it gets dangerous. I’m scared the house will burn down and they’ll all die while I’m away at uni. I guess that could happen anyway, the risk is just slightly higher for my family. I just don’t like how I won’t know the state of the house. I feel kind of responsible for it now because I’m one of 4 people in the world who knows what it’s really like, and now I realise it’s not right.
I want it to get better. Everyone will be happier in a nicer environment. I wish my mum would let me help her get rid of stuff, but even talking to her about it is almost impossible. She’s so defensive, like why can’t she just admit the problem to me - I can clearly see it!!
I don’t know at what point I should reach out to someone to get help for my mum. Do I wait until something bad happens? Wait for her to start hoarding rubbish or for the house to become toxic? I have no idea and I really hate having to be the oldest child in charge of all this stuff. I need help for myself too now because I was forced to live like this for so long. I love my mum but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for this. She must’ve known it was bad if we’re not allowed to tell anyone. I just wish she cared enough about me to do the right thing. She says she cares but she doesn’t show it. It’s incredibly confusing.
Re: What do you wish you knew in school?
I agree with financial literacy. There's so much I've had to learn that might've been easier if it were taught in school. Budgeting and learning to work out what the best deals are is good. But so too is understanding credit cards, credit scores, loans, how interest works, different types of savings accounts and very importantly tax!
A basic life skills curriculum would've been good too. We had cookery lessons, and while that was interesting, I think a focus on preparing meals, healthy eating etc., would've been helpful to know. The same for textiles technology, it was good learning to use a sewing machine, but knowing how to sew a button, stitch up a pocket, how to follow instructions for washing and ironing fabrics would've good to know too.
We did have careers lessons back when I was in school. But I actually don't remember learning how to write a CV or cover letter. It would've been really good to learn more about different careers in general, as well as a more personalised approach for helping you to choose the right career for you.
For me, personally, the biggest thing really is that I wish I knew that even though I struggled making friends and felt like I didn't fit in, that there wasn't something wrong with me (which I believed at the time). I wish I'd know that I just hadn't found the right people to fit in with (but that they are out there!)
A basic life skills curriculum would've been good too. We had cookery lessons, and while that was interesting, I think a focus on preparing meals, healthy eating etc., would've been helpful to know. The same for textiles technology, it was good learning to use a sewing machine, but knowing how to sew a button, stitch up a pocket, how to follow instructions for washing and ironing fabrics would've good to know too.
We did have careers lessons back when I was in school. But I actually don't remember learning how to write a CV or cover letter. It would've been really good to learn more about different careers in general, as well as a more personalised approach for helping you to choose the right career for you.
For me, personally, the biggest thing really is that I wish I knew that even though I struggled making friends and felt like I didn't fit in, that there wasn't something wrong with me (which I believed at the time). I wish I'd know that I just hadn't found the right people to fit in with (but that they are out there!)
Maisy
5
Not feeling 100 percent well
I just get so stressed and overwhelmed often because I'm just job hunting. I'm trying, but it is not easy. I do feel fine, but I think and worry a lot about the job hunting process and get negative about it, which stresses me out and brings me back down again. I think within the past few months, I have been becoming more stressed about it as time goes on. I think it's just the uncertainty of it, and also I think I just have a lot of pressure from myself to get sorted. I'm trying a bit to make improvements to myself too. I think I have improved since maybe a few months ago or maybe a year or two plus ago and still am trying to make improvements. The odd person has said I have made improvements too, but getting settled into a job would be great, and I could just go from there in terms of careers, routine, saving, etc. The stress and negative emotions are just getting to me. I was in bed the other day, feeling rock bottom and extremely behind in life.
Shaken up in class
Does anyone else get things chucked at them in class, or have people shove them and get really scared? I'm not sure if it's part of my childhood trauma dealing with bullies, but I get really frightened if someone acts against me in class. It's like settling down, and then suddenly everything's on alert and you just don't feel safe. I have a five minute pass from class, but sometimes when it happens I feel more like if I just stay sitting down, and keep attention drawn away from me, it'll b better than getting up and walking out. I still get really scared, and feel almost like I might get hurt if the person keeps going. Especially if it's physical, that terrifies me, and I end up going almost utterly silent.
Re: What do you wish you knew in school?
I wish I knew that grades weren't the be all and end all and that my mental health is much more important.
I also wish that I didn't compare myself to everyone else as much both academically and also socially
I also wish that I didn't compare myself to everyone else as much both academically and also socially