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disturbing thoughts.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Drink & Drugs
i've been and am continuing to go through a lot of family shit at the moment. just as i think it can't get any worse it does ...again and again. i keep discovering more and more shit.
my problem in all of this is anger. i live a quiet peaceful life. a happy life. an eventful one. an interesting one. i have a great marriage. life is very good but ...this one thing that has tarnished my happiness is getting me so fucking angry. i am seeing people dear to me being ripped off and abused. tears and broken hearts.
MY PROBLEM? the last couple of weeks i have actualy DESIRED ...a nice warm hit of smack!
i have dwelt on it's warmth and comfort. it's safety. it's security.
the words from a pink floyd song have come back to haunt me ...
"i have become ...comfortably numb."
i haven't had a hit of heroin since 1986.

it won't happen but ...after all those years, the going gets tough and i can think these thoughts! just one nice hit ...straight in the mainline ...direct to the pleasure centres of my brain ...oh what a relief for a few hours ...

dangerous or what!

it realy does NEVER ...go away. first time in all those years i have had such strong feelings for such an old love.
comes as a bit of a surprise ...bit of a shock that i can still long for such destruction out of the blue ...be warned.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with you that it never 100% goes away, but hang in there and it will pass. You know you cant do it so try not to think of it. This is the sort of traumatic event that would cause a weaker person to relapse, but youre a strong person so i think you can get through it.
    ((((hugs))))
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know exactly what you mean, I had a shit nights sleep and all I could think about this morning was how nice it would be just to do a couple of bombs of base with my breakfast.

    When you come accross an easy quick escape from your problems its difficult to forget.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by bongbudda
    I know exactly what you mean, I had a shit nights sleep and all I could think about this morning was how nice it would be just to do a couple of bombs of base with my breakfast.

    When you come accross an easy quick escape from your problems its difficult to forget.
    thanks for the hug rainbow.
    i am a strong person. to discover this weakness is what is disturbing and a weakness it is. i'll learn to live with it and though i am convinced i won't take that heroin, it has shown me that my resolve, my strength ...isn't the 100% i had come to believe it was.
    a lesson for me for sure and i hope a warning to others.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hang in there rolly

    when dealing with the shit, it is easy to look for a respite, or even a way out...

    are you smoking more weed than normal?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess its almost a good thing to be reminded of its power, it shows you, you still need to fear it just a little.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by hobbs
    hang in there rolly

    are you smoking more weed than normal?
    no. i seriously enjoy my weed. i cannot enjoy weed on a troubled mind.
    i have smoked about a fivers worth in a fortnight!
    i am ...drinking more as is the wife ...not a good sign.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heavy drinking does funny things to the mind, I dont really like the stuff more than once a week.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by bongbudda
    I guess its almost a good thing to be reminded of its power, it shows you, you still need to fear it just a little.

    :yes:

    Whenever i am going through a bad patch in my life, just thinking of the rush i got from it. I know i will never (well never say never) touch it again. I am a stronger person now with a career and a happy life. I couldn't inflict the pain, chaos and devastation to my family again. It tore us apart
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by bongbudda
    I guess its almost a good thing to be reminded of its power, it shows you, you still need to fear it just a little.

    you also need to respect it, is that that the same as fearing it - not sure, be wary of it, but don't set it up as fear, cos that can seriously mess your head up

    when thinking about using again its like the more you think about it the greater your expectations become of what it will do, so much rides on that first hit. and that hit doesn't really deliver - just sets you back into old cycles - even if they are 20 year old cycles.

    rolly you sound like you are in control of it, which is good




    *in 80's mode* be strong, just say no
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, respect would be another way of saying it, I just mean you need to remember its power. But I'm all that convinced about saying individual drugs have a life of their own. Its just a way to describe the situations they can put you in really.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by bongbudda
    I just mean you need to remember its power.

    funny you should say that ...when i went to rehab one of the first things i was asked was did i believe in a higher power. my first reaction was to explain that i was not a religous man ...no no mr roll ...just name something that is more powerful than you.
    my response was to say that heroin addiction was more powerful than me. when asked to explain, i said that if i were stronger than it then i wouldn't be sat there talking to them ...it happened to be the answer they are always hoping for but few ever give .
    i was on the road to recovery!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Although that could be seen as a bit of a cop out, couldnt it, if you think the addiction is stronger than you then you might think its not worth fighting.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by bongbudda
    Although that could be seen as a bit of a cop out, couldnt it, if you think the addiction is stronger than you then you might think its not worth fighting.
    possibly. i'd almost given up giving up. it WAS byond me doing it alone ...it was to big for me.

    the good lesson i have learn't today is not to believe i'm bullet proof ...after so many years free of the shit it's easy to fall into the trap of believing it.
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