do u smell a rat

Former Member · June 2003

Hi

I've got a mild disabilty and I've sort of started seeing a guy.

He told me that if we get close he wouldn't want me to meet his family for ages because they would take a really predjudiced attitude to my disability. He also says that his family's attitude has wrecked his relationship with his previous girlfriend. He says that my disabilty doesn't bother him.

I'm not sure what to think, I feel kinda hurt.

What would you think, would you continue to date him or not?

Annii

Former Member · June 2003

Dating him or the family?

Former Member · June 2003

dating him but hurt a bit that he wants to keep me secret kind of

Former Member · June 2003

Sounds like he's being pretty honest with you - sometimes being honest means telling you something you might not want to hear but is the truth.

Other guys might have just made up other excuses instead of telling you the brutal truth.

If he had a problem with your disability one on one then he simply wouldn't see you. Sounds like he's trying to keep the peace for a little while and when the time comes to face his family he'll do so knowing how much more he's grown to care about you.

Former Member · June 2003

I agree with diamond geezer. He can't help the way his family are and what values they hold and all he's done is tell the truth and is making sure he protects you from his families predjudice. He sounds like he cares about you.

Former Member · June 2003

if you're happy with him, stay with him!!
as people said,he can't help the way his family are...
xXx

Former Member · June 2003

Yeah, keep dating him, if you want of course.
If you like him, and he likes you, why would you wanna spoil the relationship by caring about not meeting his family? A family that's going to be prejudiced towards your disability. Meeting them isn't going to make you happier. And your boyfriend isn't going to be happy if he tells them about you and they keep bugging him about how "wrong" you are... He's going to hate hearing people don't accept you when he really likes you.
When the time comes, and he can't avoid letting you meet his family, then by then you 2 will be so serious together, that whatever his family says is gonna go in one ear, and out the other...

(edited becauseI put "And your boyfriend is" instead of "And your boyfriend isn't" which gave a wrong twist to this reply)

Former Member · June 2003

I'd feel hurt too, but just remember you're dating him, not his family! He's said it doesn't bother him, so don't fret too much.

My boyfriend's been like that with me meeting his family - for 6months he wouldn't even tell them he had a girlfriend, and his excuse was just that 'they'd give him hell' because he's the youngest son in the family. I did feel a bit concerned that he might not think I was good enough for his family, but I put up with it - it wasn't as if I was desperate to meet them anyway! Now I've met his sister a couple of times and we really got on, and I've been round his house and met his parents - although only as a 'friend'! It's just the way life is... :rolleyes:

Former Member · June 2003

It looks like he just wants to get to know you properly, without complications from his family. At least he's been honest about it, and hasn't skirted around the issue or made silly excuses about it. He hasn't said you can NEVER meet his family, just that he wants to leave it a while, which I think is the right attitude to take if he knows it's going to cause problems. You don't want that kind of interference at the beginning of a relationship. However, if you do get serious and stay together for a long period of time, you'll have to meet his family and face the music. But until then you should just enjoy being together and forget about his family.

Former Member · June 2003

Re: do u smell a rat

Originally posted by AnnMarie
He told me that if we get close he wouldn't want me to meet his family for ages because they would take a really predjudiced attitude to my disability.

I have to think if his family have some kind of thing against disabled people then this could end all in tears, especially if they were predjudice against you.
I think before you take this further you need to know the full extent of what he is talking about

Former Member · June 2003

I guess you're right BeckyBoo, but we don't know the nature of this disability so it's hard to tell what the problem really is. I think it's important to remember that it's his family, and not him, who shows this kind of prejudice though.

Former Member · June 2003

I just feel if the family are against her even before meeting so what chance has she got ?
In effect the relationship is doomed even before it begins.
We dont know the disability, we dont know exactly how the family feel about disabled people but it has been said that his family would treat her disability with prejudice.
I know that yeah he is fine with it but when push comes to shove who will he stand by, his family or his girlfriend?

I think this is another case of a good natter to find out exactly where everyone stands

Former Member · June 2003

I think he doesnt want his family to give him shit, and hes just being honest with you. It does sound like it could be a potential problem, but why shouldnt he have a relationship with you just because of an interfering family - he cant choose his family, but hes made it clear that he wants to keep you out of the firing line for as long as possible because he doesnt want what happened to his previous relationship to happen to this one. Only you can decide whether you think its worth it or not. Theres no law that says only people with all-approving, completely open minded families can have relationships.
I think if he hides you from them forever then i would question his strength of character to stand up to his parents, but I dont think theres anything wrong with him explaining to you that he wants to take the whole family meeting thing a bit slowly.

do u smell a rat

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