wanting to be a parent

Former Member · April 2003

For a while now I've wanted to start a family but as is often normal in relationships our sex life hasn't been that great. So, partly because of the baby thing and partly because I wasn't getting any I came off the pill a few months ago. At my age I decided it was probably doing me more harm than good.

Anyway...At the weekend my boyfriend and I shagged and afterwards I worked out that it was probably my most fertile time. I spent a day worrying about it, then a day thinking 'what the hell, I want to be a parent' but then at the end of the second day I saw sense and thought there is no way I can go ahead and get pregnant without at least giving my boyfriend some choice in the matter. So I spoke to him yesterday and explained the situation and said that perhaps the best thing would be for me to go and get Emergency contraception...in a funny way I was kind-of freaked about the thought that I may actually get pregnant, however much I want to be a parent!

So we nipped down to Tesos but the pharmacy was closed.

Lastnight I tossed and turned thinking 'what if' and 'it may be my only chance' but in the end I went and got the morning after pill (£24!!!) - I delayed taking it until mid-day but eventually swallowed the thing and I have to take the second one in 1 and a half hours.

Just seems like what happened this weekend was not exactly an accident but was almost planned (By me) and then I chickened out and went to get the morning after pill because I wasn't sure I'd be able to explain it away as an accident.

Ho hum...just wanted to get that off my chest because I haven't been able to speak to anyone about it.

Former Member · April 2003

*hugs*

you should talk to him and explain that you want to be a parent. Its not unusual for women to come off the pill without telling their partners, i know a couple of people who have done it. Just through fear of their partners 'chickening out' when both halves know they're ready. Its a shame, but men do that sometimes.

most women come to a point when they want to have kids, and you've obviously got there else you wouldnt have done what you did. And you are obviously in a stable and happy relationship having been with the guy for so long, and gone through what you have together.

You're right tho, you should give him a say in the matter, i mean, at the end of the day it's gonna change his life as much as it will yours. And you're not getting any younger, if you want to do this, now would be an ideal time, you're mature enough to deal with it, yet you're not too old to conceive. And after having taken the morning after pill and still been pregnant, im assuming you and your partner are extremely fertile, so i dont think you'd have much problem in getting pregnant, but obviously it changes doesnt it.

well good luck whatever you decide, you know you can always come on here and talk to us lot. Take care of yourself, and remember its exciting stuff being a parent, and nobody would want you to miss out because of your partners views. its a two way thing and im sure he'll sit and talk to you about it, and hopefully if he knows you';re serious, take your views into consideration, and maybe rethink his initial opinion.

x

Former Member · April 2003

Oh Byny *hugs* I thought you wanted a baby?
the thing is, you never really know if the time is right. when I got pregnant, i was just so pleased as it meant that i didnt have to decide any more, the decision was taken out of my hands.
Its obviously up to you if you take the second pill or not, but I know youve spoke on here about how much you want to start a family soon, so do what is right for YOU.

Former Member · April 2003

Oh - theres no question that I am going to take the second pill because thats what we agreed together, and he's been such a love over the last few hours. I think that now is the time for us to seriously talk about it though.

Its weird that when you think you might be every baby advert, mention of babies, song about babies etc seems to be on the radio or TV.

A few months ago a friend of mine in work, who is 42 and whos husband has fertility problems (They have one 13 year old child) went to see a fotune teller who told her she would get pregnant again at the same time as a friend in work. When I got back into work on Tuesday she was complaining that she'd been feeling ill every morning over Easter and so (even though I don't believe in fortune tellers words) I automatically started thinking "oh my god - its true, I AM pregnat'...How pathetic eh?

anyway - theres not much I can do now I guess...I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Former Member · April 2003

It's a toughie, isn't it? I personally think very few people ever feel 100 percent "ready" and that it's the right time to have a baby. It is so overwhelming and life changing that there is always a wee part of you that is unsure. And that applies to men 100 fold, who never want to change a thing!

I fell pregnant by accident and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I know that had I not, then we would never have gotten round to planning a baby. We were too lazy and content sticking with what we had and I think the same would have applied 10 years down the line.

I definately don't think that it's a decision to take lightly, but don't let a wee bit of fear stand in your way because we all feel like that. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? You don't need me to tell you to talk you him about it, but just remember that if it was up to guys we would all stand around scratching our arses all day and never moving on and changing things!

Former Member · April 2003

I agree with lovedup, there will never be a 100% right time, and to be honest You havent neccesarily got all the time in the world to decide, fertility decreases a lot after the age of 30 so make your decision carefully.

Former Member · April 2003

We got together in '95 and have lived together since about '98. At first we lived miles apart because I moved to london about 3 months after we met. Its my longest relationship, and he's the only person I've had sex with (!) - I waited almost a year before I slept with him (The distance helped!) and then got pregnant within months (he was so impressed with his fertility) so it was all a bit of a freaky time back then.

Sometimes we do talk about kids, and we've even chosen names (Pathetic I know) but when you are on the pill and your partner doesn't want to actively plan it is so difficult to get round to doing anything about having a baby. I guess then it comes down to a deliberate accident, if there's such a thing. ...and even then I couldn't go through with it, probably because I do care about his opinion! ho hum.

Former Member · April 2003

Originally posted by byny
. I guess then it comes down to a deliberate accident, if there's such a thing. ...and even then I couldn't go through with it, probably because I do care about his opinion! ho hum.

yes but is he caring about yours?

Former Member · April 2003

Its not that he doesn't care but more that he doesn't understand why I would want to be a parent, in much the same way that my sister doesn't.

Funny thing is I have discussed the possibility of adopting, particularly adopting older children as its always more difficult for older kids to find long term homes. He's always been quite interested in this idea but I know that if it came to it, the planning aspect would just be too much for him.

On the other hand if having a child were to happen accidentally I know he would adapt and be a brilliant dad. I think its hard for him to get to grips with the idea.

Former Member · April 2003

Byny, what you are saying kinda reminds me of my attitude to parenthood before I had the baby. You feel like you want to do it, but there is a bit of a fear there. it's more like something you talk about way off in the future, but deep down aren't sure if or when it will happen. It's a "what if" just now, but isn't a reality.

I also said I would consider adopting before I had my own. Fair play to you if that's what you want to do, but be careful that you aren't using that as a safety net because you are frightened to commiting yourself to having a baby. I only say that because it's what I was doing. I do think adopting would be fulfilling, but I also think you are missing out on something amazing by not having a baby of your own. And if you adopt older children you are missing out on one of the best parts of motherhood.

Hark at me, I should be on the marketing committee for ditching the rubbers....

Former Member · April 2003

I guess you are right.

I want to be a parent more than I want to 'have a baby'...I want to see a child develop and learn and grow. I want to show it the magical things that life has shown me, to make it secure and confident. I just can't explain it properly to people. I'm basically a happy secure person who sees life as born, live, die and hopefully a family inbetween. walt Whitman said something like 'when you die make sure you leave a fertile plot of land and a happy child behind' and I kindof subscribe to that way of thinking.

Never used to feel like that though ... at least not about children.

My friend had a baby 5 months ago (after years of trying) and she came to see me for the first time last week which was great but I didn't connect whith her baby at all and her obsessiveness kind of wierded me out a bit.

Former Member · April 2003

I think you sound like youd be a great mum, I think the way youre feeling is quite common, not everyone has amazingly overpowering broody feelings, just a feeling that they have a lot to give a child, but it IS very scarey and life-changing.
Ive not met anyone whos regretted having a child, even if it was unplanned, but i have come across people who regret never having one and then its too late.

Former Member · April 2003

*hugs* darlin, i dont really need to say anything here as its been said already, hope everything works out. xxx

Former Member · April 2003

Byny, I think you've handled the situation really well. I agree with you when you say you need your partner's consent before attempting to get pregnant. It's only fair as it will change his life forever just as it will yours and I don't think that "tricking" a man into becoming a father is a good idea at all - yes he may well adapt and become a great dad but at the end of the day a woman who did that would be breaking his trust over something of such magnitude it would change his life forever. No-one is ever 100% certain about many things in life and certainly not over hugely important things like bringing a child into the world and you seem like you want to be a mum and you sound like you'd be excellent at it too! So I'd say that if you do seriously want to try for a family talk to your partner about it and see if you can agree on it, try and soothe his fears as he will probably be incredibly nervous and sell the positive side of it but don't trick him into it! He'd only feel betrayed by it.

You don't need to start panicking about your biological clock ticking - my mum had me at 33 and my sister at 36 and there are more older mums and better facilities for them now than there were in the 80s!

Best of luck with everything.

Former Member · April 2003

THANK YOU!!

I spoke to my boyfriend tonight and we've decided I won't go back on the pill but we will be carefull about the timing in future, if and 'accident' happens we'll deal with it. part of me still thinks 'perhaps the morning after pill won't work' and I guess I'd be pleased if it doesn't but for all I know I wasn't pregnant anyway.

My stomach feels like its been kicked repeatedly but I know I did the 'right' thing

Former Member · April 2003

Aww it sounds as though you did the right thing, and im glad you talked to him about it. good luck

wanting to be a parent

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