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Food controlling life!!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello there

It's been a while since I've been on the boards but I've been having a bit of a shit time of late and I've found that I can't really survive without this release. I need to talk to people and don't know who else to turn to. I don't want you all to think that I just use you when I'm having a bad time. I do come on here when I'm cheerful too but I've just been so busy recently.

I have just spent 5 weeks on teaching placement where I encountered my nemesis in the form of my mentor (the person who was supposed to help me through it). On top of that I found out that my boyfriend who was supposed to be moving 350miles to live with me in January was still sleeping with his (not quite) ex-girlfriend. Not surprisingly I split up with him last weekend.

Anyway, I seem to be going all the way around the houses here with my little story. To cut to the chase my original reason for seeking out these boards has returned. I don't want to eat. I feel guilty when I do eat. I turn to alcohol instead and forget whole evenings of my life. The combination of lack of food and copious amounts of wine is never a great one. I don't like myself. I look in the mirror and see this huge fat ugly girl staring back at me. I'm aware that I've lost weight but it's not enough. It can never be enough.

I don't really know what I want to hear from you all. I just needed to get this out of my system. I have to eat my dinner with my family in a minute and I just don't know what to do. I'm really hungry and if I don't eat a certain amount they'll worry. On the other hand, I feel sick at the thought of eating.

I just dont know what to do anymore ....

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You aren't gonna want to hear this, but you got to seek help for your own good. Not eating & lots of alcohol is only gonna make you even worse. Try & go to your Gp And tel him how you are feeling.
    It's not going to be easy but it will help.
    Hugs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with Tweety, you need some help from someone. If you can't stand the thought of seeing your g.p at the moment, you could try talking to a friend just to get it off your chest, but I think ultimately you need some professional help. Hope you feel better soon hun, tates xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alchohol had quite a lot of calories in it as well. i have no doubt you are beautiful without even seeing you - you see, practically every person (girls mostly) doesn't like themselves - this is so we know how to improve ourselves and so we keep improving constantly. it can be useful but in some cases it causes anxiety, stress and can lead to larger problems. just try and put yourself on a healthy eating diet, and drink a lot less! and i know this is shallow, but if you need an instant confidence boost, go to www.uglypeople.com - it makes me feel good about myself (im evil so neh)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Loopi, going to see your doctor is a good idea. If you're a bit shy you could even print off this page and show it to them. Your doctor will probably refer you for some counselling to help with your body image and drinking patterns.

    By the way, everyone I know who did teacher training said it was very hard work and often stressful. Remember to be extra kind to yourself if you're going throught the same thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Loopi..
    sorry to hear you've been going through shit.

    The eating stuff is probably a lot to do with your relatiionship coming to an end, it's very common and shock causes people to lose appetite and react strangely to food.

    But yes I agree that you should go to the doctors. If you want to lose weight do it in a sensible way.

    Take care.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been there, I know how you feel....I'm only 15 and since I was *thinks* 8 I haven't eaten my lunch! My mum would pack me my sndwiches, an apple and a biscuit everyday and send me off to school but everyday I would chuck it in the bin. My mates would moan at me and I would get told off by teachers, but I became sneaker and my friends left me alone for a while. I moved from Primary to Secondary and things weren't any better. I couldn't put my finger on what started it but I just was never hungry I suppose at lunch time. Come dinner time my mum would make me my dinner and I ate it along with the rest of the family. As I got older the portions got bigger and this is where the real shit started for me. I made myself sick. I started skipping meals and making myself sick when there was nothing better to do. I went through 3years of this without telling anyone. I had good friends and always went shopping etc with them, but I was never able to tell them anything. No one picked up on it.
    Over the summer there me and my friends drifted apart, things changed, we changed. When I went back to school I made new friends....also over the summer I started smoking aswell. About one month in to the school year I broke down...I have no idea what happened, one minute I was as high as a kite next minute I was as depressed as, I don't know what. The teacher was great and took time to ask me what was wrong. It was not my usual teacher but I found I couldn't talk to her. She said she was there anytime I need to talk. That whole day I was in a right state...I had lots of people ask me what was wrong but I never told them apart from my two closest friends....I decided then that I had to talk to someone, I went to the teacher I had talked to before (boyfriend stuff before) and told her everything! She was great about things and gave me advice, I knew I could trust her. Since talking to her I have now started eating sensibly, even eating lunch, a thing I haven't done in years. I suppose I always thought I was fat, even though folk had always told me I looked stunning. Since eating properly again I have lost 5lbs. I was shocked when I stood on the scales I can tell you that much!! I still smoke and occassionly make myself sick, only when very very down though. I found it helped to just get things off my chest, it's okay I suppose telling your friends but they can't help you like an adult can help you. I'm a much happier person now, I feel great about myself aswell.
    I think the best thing you can do, is not go to a doctor unless you are completly happy with doctors cause I tend to find that they make you feel so small, but to talk to someone who's either been there and has some knowledge or someone who you can trust and will be helpful to your situation.
    Hope you find your person like I did. Chin up!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a bit of a case of deja vu being back on the boards talking about the same old stuff. I'm not really sure why I'm back but I just need to talk. I know that I've flamed people before for coming on here and having a whine but not really wanting to do anything about it to help themselves ... but here I am doing the same - the same thing that I've always done. Oh, how easy it is to sit on a soap box dishing out helpful hints and the like but I just don't seem to be able to take my own advice.

    I've told a few people about this little obsession that I have but I don't really know why. It's not as if I want to talk about it and I certainly don't want to go and chat to my doctor. I'm 23 and really should be in control of my life by now. I told my new bloke (quick I know ... call it rebound, call it what you like) whilst I was drunk the other night and he was fine about it. He basically just said that he was there if I needed him and all that. I'm now getting paranoid though that he'll start to monitor what I'm doing and whether I'm eating and I just can't cope with that. Maybe I was just trying to scare him off. Testing the water to see how much he can take before he cracks, leaving me alone to be the sad miserable bitch that I know I am.

    I've just read through the self-harming thread but I don't care if I just sound like one of those attention-seeking people who just tell everyone around them what they're up to. I don't give a shit. I'm so angry and upset at everything ... but why the fuck?!? I have a boyfriend, I have a potential career, I have friends, I have a loving family ... what more can anyone ask for? I'm just a selfish person who wants the moon on a stick and more.

    Edited to say I'm sorry for not thanking people for their kind replies yesterday. I don't really know what was up with my last night but I was snapping everybody's heads off (my boyfriend's for not answering the phone quick enough!!! and my dad's for standing too close to me!!) and felt like I needed to get things off my chest before I alienated everyone around me. I know that it's not fair to just shout and scream on here but I can't see another way out. If I get on anyone's nerves then please let me know and I'll find another way of dealing with my irrational mood swings. Here's hoping that today will be a better day.
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