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Any advice?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Ok, I really need some help.

I've been with my boyf for nearly 4 years. About 6 weeks ago, he came home (we live together) & told me he can't see us having a future together, that there is no spark left between us etc etc.

I was (and still am) totally heartbroken, because to me, a lack of spark in a relationship isn't a good enough reason to simply throw it all away. I don't think it's possible to always maintain that spark that was there in the beginning. You can't always be wanting to rip each others clothes off etc. I mean, married couples who've been together for 30 years, would they say there is still a "spark" between them??

So anyway, for the last 6 weeks, we've been living together as just friends. Still spending alot of time together, going out, even still sleeping in the same bed, but just with no physical affection whatsoever, no hugging, holding hands, nothing.

What I want to know is, how do I make him like me again. How do I work at bringing back that spark without putting pressure on him. I'm pretty sure he'd run a mile if I started wearing seductive clothes and cooking him extravagent meals. So how do I be more subtle? I'm trying so hard to be a good friend to him at the moment, but I don't want us to get stuck there. I don't want him to see me as just a friend.

Any advice would be very very gratefully recieved :)

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's still a spark between couples married 30 years, that's probably the reason they've been together that long, you either maintain it or ignore each other completely.

    To me it sounds like he's undergone a change of attitude whilst you have not, saying the "spark" has gone is merely symptomatic of that, you need to find the real reason for this change of attitude first.......
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, there's alot of stuff going on his life at the moment, family probs, & he says he is very down & fed up with life in general, that he doesn't really feel anything atall anymore. In a way, although it sounds horrible, it makes me feel a little better because I know it's not totally down to me. I don't know, it's very confusing.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like a nightmare, I really feel for you. All you can do is to concentrate on you for a while. Do things to make yourself feel really good (get you nails,hair,legs done etc) and then your confidence is bound to rub off on him.

    Keep talking to him too. COmmunication is essential/
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    aawww hun *hugs* sometime the spark does just fizzle out, as horrible as it, and there's not always anything you can do about it.

    If he is really down about other stuff maybe you should just be there as a good friend for him, til he cheers up a bit and then see how things go? If you make things more complicated for him when he's feeling like this then you may ruin it.

    I know it's much easier said than done to 'see how things go' and do nothing for now, but maybe he just needs a bit of space to think about everything.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to really sit down and talk this out. If the spark has gone then why did it? Does he say he still loves you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, he says he still loves me, that he'll always love me. But it seems to me it's a different kind of love to the one I actually want from him.

    And yes, maybe I should just do nothing for now. He did actually say that we should wait and see how things go. I just get scared though that the longer I do nothing, the further apart we'll drift and the harder it'll be for us to ever get back together again.

    Thanks for answering, I really appreciate it
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like you've been doing all you can to patch things up.

    Stupid as it sounds, pushing him away may be the best thing for getting back together properly. At the moment, while you're in limbo, he's still got you if he wants, while he thinks about things. I'm sure this isn't the way he's thinking though.

    If he thought he was losing you for good, it might scare him enough to realise what you've got and you could sort things out. Of course it could go the other way and he could leave, but if that happens then you were obviously going to split up anyway, and it would be best in the long run to get it out of the way now. I hope this makes sense!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by barbie
    Stupid as it sounds, pushing him away may be the best thing for getting back together properly. At the moment, while you're in limbo, he's still got you if he wants, while he thinks about things. I'm sure this isn't the way he's thinking though.

    If he thought he was losing you for good, it might scare him enough to realise what you've got and you could sort things out.

    I think you're right with what you've said there! 4 years is a lot to throw away, and it's prob just that he's havin a few other problems aswell. He'll soon realise exactly how much he's giving up and want you back again!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he's still sleeping in the same bed as you then he can't be that fed up can he? If he thinks the relationship wasn't going anywhere why hasn't he left?

    I think you should suggest to him that he gets some counselling for the family problems or go to the doctors because he sounds very depressed to me. :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you've tried talking to him, and he doesn't want to talk about it, then it may be time to give up.
    If things have been fizzling out over time, and you can't talk about it, then you may never be able to get that spark back. It might be time to call it a day.
    My first thought, based on a recent ex's behaviour when things fizzled out with us, is that maybe he's met someone else? :( Either that or he might be gay. :)
    Prepare yourself for the worst, and hopefully it won't be as bad as you're imagining.
    Sounds like he's thrown in the towel in this relationship already though.
    I've never had great relationships in the past, so I'm probably not the best person to talk to, or give advice, so take everything I say with a pinch of salt.

    At the end of the day, there could be any one of a dozen reasons, and you've just got to talk to him about it to find out what's at the root of it all.

    Mr_Wobble ;)
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