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why wont it stop
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
im going to miss out so much here as im typing fast and through teary eyes but here goes -
i feel used, dirty and worthless, like because i the things iv done im no longer good enough for anybody. i feel like im less than human, and most people find it hard to cope with my kinda mood swings and all the crap that comes with me.
at the moment i have that horrible feeling where you feel like you heart is being wrenched in two because i cant stop thinking about the biggest bastard of my life...he was so cruel and yet i feel i miss him for the parts of him i fell in love with. i keep trying to contact him and he nevers returns texts, emails or calls.
recently i met another guy who is sweet, cute, funny, and always there for me, iv been able to open up to him immediately and i like him a lot, but he is so like jonnie its scary...im sure he'd never do anything like he did but ... its still worrying.
im half angry at him because id carefully built up my defences so that no lads could get in again...and he did, so easily...im scared to let him any closer as ... eurgh, it hurts so much if it goes wrong i dont want to risk it but then i do because of how wonderful it feels. and he could hurt me, very VERY badly again, very VERY easily - but he wouldnt relaise he was doing it.
its all so muddled. im so muddled. *sighs* but....there y'are
im too tired to type more and im not sure if i want advice, i just wanted some space to clear my thoughts out and organise them, even if its just a little bit.
and i didnt sleep a wink last night either...i think the Cookie Thing is going to become some sort of obsession too.
i feel used, dirty and worthless, like because i the things iv done im no longer good enough for anybody. i feel like im less than human, and most people find it hard to cope with my kinda mood swings and all the crap that comes with me.
at the moment i have that horrible feeling where you feel like you heart is being wrenched in two because i cant stop thinking about the biggest bastard of my life...he was so cruel and yet i feel i miss him for the parts of him i fell in love with. i keep trying to contact him and he nevers returns texts, emails or calls.
recently i met another guy who is sweet, cute, funny, and always there for me, iv been able to open up to him immediately and i like him a lot, but he is so like jonnie its scary...im sure he'd never do anything like he did but ... its still worrying.
im half angry at him because id carefully built up my defences so that no lads could get in again...and he did, so easily...im scared to let him any closer as ... eurgh, it hurts so much if it goes wrong i dont want to risk it but then i do because of how wonderful it feels. and he could hurt me, very VERY badly again, very VERY easily - but he wouldnt relaise he was doing it.
its all so muddled. im so muddled. *sighs* but....there y'are
im too tired to type more and im not sure if i want advice, i just wanted some space to clear my thoughts out and organise them, even if its just a little bit.
and i didnt sleep a wink last night either...i think the Cookie Thing is going to become some sort of obsession too.
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Comments
Don't worry. Try to trust your new boyfriend, because you shouldn't let your ex ruin this relationship for you too.
My ex (ex) was very fucked up, and used to take out everything on me. He used to scare me so much, and made me feel degraded and stupid. When I met a then new boyfriend, I used to wind him up as much as I could to see if he would snap like my ex did. He just said quietly that he was never going to hurt me, and that he loved me - and he kept to his word.
I think it's always a risk to have to trust someone new, but eventually you have to do it. You still have to have a certain amount of defence incase things do go badly again...everyone does - but for as long as things feel good with your new man, just enjoy it.
take care hun! luv xax
Kinda glad I read that line cos I've just split up with my boyf of 2 & 1/2 years and am thinking that I can't feel like that about anyone again. I know it sounds silly but he was my best friend aswell.
Anyway don't want to change the topic of the thread.
You know what I think, hun. I know how you feel with some of that and I can relate to the worthless thing *wishes you had access to her LiveJournal* but believe me you are sooo not worthless! I know you probably won't because I never believe people when they say that but I truly do mean it! *hugs you*
*knows how this feels as two bastards are currently on her mind*
I gave in and did the texts thing but honestly, it's better that he isn't replying. I know how much it hurts because you want him back. In a way I want the last two who hurt me. I don't know why cos one treated me like shit and the other did in some ways but not to the same extent. I think it's because of how they made me feel and how much I cared for them. I want to believe that all the hurt they caused is because they're confused and have 'issues' or whatever with something else, like it's not all my fault and that they'd have me in a second because I want to believe I am all the things they claimed and because I care so much for them and want them to be as close to me and to make me feel as amazing as they did before. To have them not want me hurts more than I like to admit but the fact that he's not replying at least means he can't hurt you. Okay, his not replying hurts, I know but he doesn't sound worthy of you, hun.
To get over someone takes a while. Gradually feelings begin to fade. It can take a long time but it does happen. I'm sure you know this but I'll say it anyway.
Yup. Pah, you feel so similar to me at times that I really feel for you. *hugs you very tightly*
*did that defence thing* I stupidly let them down though but I think that was my fault for trusting the wrong guy.
All I'll say is to take it slowly, like you say people do hurt others and they don't realise it but these people can also bring great happiness into your life which you so greatly deserve!! It's so annoying that these people can hurt another without even knowing. Tread carefully and remember that I will be around for you to talk to. If you feel ready then take the risk. If not then give it more time but do remember that the risk could be worth it. It's just such a terrifying risk to take that I know why you don't want to.
I don't know why I say this as I can't follow my own advice. *kicks self* But I want better for you because you really do deserve it!
Eeep. You're falling into my trap. I'm not impressed with myself. This is the third time in a row that I shall, more than likely, not get sleep in over 40 hours. *sighs*
Hehe, that'll teach you to look at cookies before they go half way in your mouth to their doom.
*hugs you tightly yet again*