i have ruined my sisters life

nadia0802 · April 4

I have a very difficult relationship with my younger sister, we were very close with eachother when we were young but now as older teenagers our relationship has basically been ruined. and it's all because of me

for some reason that ive been trying to figure out for years, I keep critising her apperance, and having autisitic meltdowns/shutdowns at everything she does. when we eat at the dinner table she will tear small bits of her food off, or chew with her mouth open and that can send me into a full on panic attack/sensory overload making it impossible for us to eat together. when she laughs or attempts to be jokey I cringe and ask why she is so dramatic about everything (i don't understand it when humans do stupid impressions and faces because I feel it's unnecessary, but at the same time I want to do those things but I feel too self conscious and embarrassed about myself). I get nasty unwanted intrusive thoughts about her apperance (likely stemming from my own hatred of my apperance) and cant help but verbalise them because I feel like it's the only way to be able to get them out. once you start to critisice every part of yourself your brain starts to apply that to everybody around you, constantly searching for their flaws.

to be honest ive always been slightly jealous of my sister because she is so much more talented and successful and sociable than me. I grew up feeling like the family dissapointment and like my sister was the golden child who could do no wrong.

combine that with my low self esteem, autisitic sensory issues and nasty ocd intrusive thoughts and i end up saying awful; horrible things to her that I never mean. it makes me sick and disgusted that I would ever say these things and I want to cry every time I say them. I genuinely don't mean any of the things that come out of my mouth it's like some evil sick bully comes out and takes over me. she's now permanently scared of me, barely speaks to me and views me as her worst enemy. and i get what she feels like because I was the target of bullying for almost my whole childhood. I dont know what causes me to act like this and I feel so terrible. I try to explain to her that I dont mean what I say and how my brain works but she just doesn't understand. she doesn't believe a single word I say about my mental health. it makes me upset because I love her deep down but she sees me as a horrible bully

I dont really know what the point of my typing this is. I want to figure out why I act this way because it's the exact opposite of my normal personality. but at the same time it feels useless because she never seems to understand my side of the story. maybe I should accept that I'm just really mean to her and I deserve everything bad that happens to me.

nadia0802 · April 4

also I don't really know if this is the right category to post this in, there wasn't really a family category so this was the best i could do

Billie · April 5

Hi nadia, thank you so much for sharing this and opening up about how you are feeling. That sounds like a really difficult thing to be dealing with. I'm so sorry that you feel like a disappointment, I want to assure you that you are not and that you should never be made to feel that way.

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I know you have said that your sister doesn't understand your situation or believe that your mental health is affecting you in this way, so I'm wondering if writing down what you want to say to her could help? That way she can read it in her own time.

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We are here for you, to listen and support, if you want to share more.

nadia0802 · April 6

@Billie thank you! ive tried to tell her about how my brain works but she said she doesn't believe me and that I'm just making excuses. either that or she refuses to respond to me. I could try and put it down into writing and see if it will help her understand

i have ruined my sisters life

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