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(cw: sexual abuse/harassment) someone i matched with on a dating app got a bit obsessive
eden87
Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
so about 9 days ago i matched with someone on a dating app and we quickly began sexting and entered a kind of d/s dynamic WAY too soon since it was spur of the moment. i'm really inexperienced so i didn't really realise that it was too soon until i spoke with my friends and helped me realise it was bad.
it wasn't only the d/s dynamic either: they kept trying to push boundaries (joking about branding me or inflicting pain on me in a kinky sense after i explicitly told them i don't want that, getting me to send voice messages during sexting when i already told them i was too nervous, joking about dragging me along to things they like doing, like travelling, skydiving, and bungee jumping, even after i said i'm too scared of those things, being REALLY possessive over me and talking about it several times a day despite me saying i was only okay with a very small amount of possessiveness, and telling me how big their genitals are then saying they'd "make it fit" after i said they're too big for me), kept giving me SO SO many compliments and fantasising about me and planning gifts to get me and planning future dates when we haven't even met in person once.
about an hour ago we had the exchange shown in the pictures below. i wish i'd been able to realise how creepy and obsessive they really are earlier on. i feel really bad for both them and myself. i struggle to feel safe with any kind of romantic or sexual intimacy because of past sexual abuse and i'm trying to unlearn that "sex & relationships = danger", and when sexting with this person i did seriously feel safe with them which is a first and a big thing for me, partly because i'm scared of a partner of mine becoming obsessed. and then the thing i was scared of happened and the safety was ripped away and now, especially after their response to me cutting them off and deleting my account, i feel really scared and paranoid that they might try to find/stalk me. they don't live that far away from me. i can't tell if i'm just being paranoid since i have a bad habit of jumping to the worst case scenario and getting really in my head about stuff. i feel so bad, just really upset and anxious and in need of comfort.
Comments
Hey @eden87. Thank you so much for finding the courage to open up about this, as I know that can be so daunting, especially with what you're dealing with. It sounds like the progression to a D/S dynamic so soon after matching on the app was overwhelming for you, especially as they were pushing a lot of your own boundaries, that must have felt so uncomfortable for you. It sounds like them fantasising about you a lot and planning future dates without meeting is something that really worried you, which is understandable.
You are so strong for being clear with them in the message about not feeling comfortable and ready for a romantic and sexual relationships, and you had every right to choose to not be friends with them if that's something that you wouldn't want. I'm hearing that you felt safe at the start of this interaction with them, but felt they became too possessive of you, as you've shown in the pictures too, which has you feeling scared and paranoid that they might find you and stalk you. It's normal to have these concerns, especially when you've previously been through sexual abuse too.
I'm curious, you said you met on a dating app, did you only talk to them through the app or did you speak to them on any other platform? You mentioned talking to your friends about this at the start, are they aware of what's happened and how things have been, including the messages from today? I just want to check in on whether you have now blocked them and whether you have had any further interactions with them since this was posted?
I have a couple of resources here that might help with this:
Of course, if you feel at risk of harm or in danger at any point, then please contact 999 to get some urgent support. We're all here to listen and support you through this.
hi @Callum thank you so much for your response and for the resources
i only spoke to them through the dating app, they did ask for other ways to contact me a couple times but i never gave them the information. i've shown the pictures to my friends so they're aware of this person's response. i didn't respond to the messages in the third picture and deleted my account, so i haven't had any other contact with them since then.