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TW- mentions of ED
Animalloverb
Posts: 719 Part of The Mix Family
For a long while I have struggled with eating. I was diagnosed with one disorder then diagnosed with another. I struggle with eating way too much (I am not naming the exact disorder as it makes me uncomfortable)
I eat to feel comfort, to feel something other then the pain in my mind, its hard and I want to stop as after I eat it makes me feel extreme guilt. I put on a front as I don't want my son to pick up on my issues.
Before Being diagnosed with this current ED, I was diagnosed with a different one, I didn't eat for ages It was bad but it gave me control ( well what I thought was control) I recovered after a long time from that and then recently I was diagnosed with my original ED. Which is the one I mentioned first, I wish I could stop, I want to be healthy but it's like everything is making me feel mental pain to the point where eating takes it away but when I stop I feel guilt it's horrible.
Comments
Hey @Animalloverb Thanks for sharing this with us tonight, I know that can be so overwhelming and such a difficult thing to do. We're here with you while you manage this.
I'm hearing that you've been struggling with eating being difficult to stop as it brings you so much comfort in doing so. That's understandable, and it makes sense you'd feel a need to put on a front to help your son.
It also sounds like being diagnosed with an ED and then at a later time being re-diagnosed with another one is something that added stress to your situation, on top of everything else. I can't imagine how confusing that must have been. How did you feel when you got the first and second diagnoses for your ED? Do you feel that your current diagnosis is correct compared to the first one? And I'm wondering how you have been managing this diagnosis to help you cope with everything?
As always, don't feel you have to reply to these questions, they're just some questions I have right now but you're in charge here and free to share as little or as much as you feel comfortable with.
@Callum
I do feel my current diagnosis is correct. To be fair I never wanted a diagnosis of an ED, I knew something wasn't right but felt I was coping, I felt that numb feeling and it made me feel good. A dietitian spoke to me as I have a lot of issues with eating anyway because of allergies so I was seeing a dietitian for that reason, but they diagnosed me with the first then now my current ED. They admit the first diagnosis was a mistake which is why they diagnosed me with this current one, I just don't want the diagnosis because no support has even been offered, it's just like they have put another label on file.
The things with my eating help me feel that extra numb feeling and I personally don't want that to change.
Recently I was diagnosed with dyslexia
Which to me is weird because I am a really big reader
I was also diagnosed with cancer(ostracoma bone cancer)
My doctor said to keep doing what I love ie running, netball, volleyball, reading,walking the dog etc
I am finding sleeping really hard but it’s only stage 1
No chemotherapy involved just a few bone marrow transplants
@ilovemyself
I'm sorry to hear that. Cancer is awful, my son has cancer.
@Animalloverb It's good to hear that you feel your current diagnosis is correct so that it helps you to understand yourself a bit more. But it's completely valid that you'd prefer to not have a diagnosis so as not to attach a label to yourself. I'm curious, when you were seeing the dietitian, did you find that useful (aside from the diagnosis side of things)?
@ilovemyself Thanks for sharing this, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot now, from being diagnosed with dyslexia to dealing with ostracoma bone cancer, that sounds so intense. I'm wondering how you are feeling at the moment about these diagnoses, what thoughts come to mind?
@Callum
No not really, I had a few issues before that they were trying to get sorted from health issues but yeah I was till under them when this behaviour started.
Hey @Animalloverb it's tough that you didn't find their help useful, which is understandable given that you had a few issues before that too that you were trying to get sorted. Have you been able to do anything since getting this diagnosis to help you cope with it?
@Callum
No I haven't, but I have been managing as usual. I was diagnosed with it a little while ago now but just find it a really difficult thing to be open about.
No not really
@Animalloverb It's normal to find it difficult to be open about this, you are doing such a brilliant job. When you say you've been managing as usual, what does that look like for you in terms of your eating?
really hard to talk about this side of my ED. But it massively depends on what sort of emotional state I am in. If I'm in a bad way because of my PTSD then food doesn't really happen, and then when it's over I eat loads to try and forget about it, like eating gives my body something else to focus on.
@Callum
I put it under a spoiler because if may not want to have to see what I wrote as it could make me feel awful.
@Animalloverb Thanks for adding a spoiler warning to protect other members of the community, I can hear how much you value their thoughts and feelings. It makes sense that your ED depends on your emotional state. I'm hearing that you tend to fluctuate between not eating much due to negative emotions and PTSD, and eating more to try and forget about what's been happening. How does each of those make you feel when they happen I wonder?
Just wanted to echo what's been said above and sending lots of hugs and love to both of you @Animalloverb @ilovemyself
we are always here for you ❤️
@Callum
They all make me feel awful, and somewhat triggers depressive episodes.
@Animalloverb That must be so intense that it triggers some depressive episodes. I'm curious as to what those depressive episodes look like for you? And I'm wondering if there is anything that usually helps you to get through those episodes?