Young parents

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• Sabah Community Manager Posts: 38 Boards Initiate

  February 8

  Hi @ivy07 thanks for making this thread, this is a great idea! We're here for you if you'd like to share your experience as a young parent.

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• ivy07 Posts: 5 Confirmed not a robot

  February 8

  My vent about different types of parents and each of their difficulties based on my experiences and hearing other's experiences of people I know or strangers at BothParentsMatter and local Young Parents support groups:
  
  Teen Parent
  - Being a teen parent is hard because you are still in school/sixth form/college. It creates a lot of anxiety when you try to keep it a secret, and even when it is not a secret you have to deal with false rumours or people being blatantly judgemental when it has nothing to do with them. It's also easy to feel like an imposter when amongst other parents in adult spaces. Either that or you are genuinely not acknowledged as a parent and are mistaken for a sibling or baby sitter.
  - Grades will never be the same and even if people tell you good job for continuing your studies, you have to give up on ambitious career paths and settle for something more manageable - even then, I still dropped out of university eventually.
  - You don't have the luxury of savings or a stable job and it's hard to get a job nowadays and students aren't applicable for some benefits, so grandparents become a significant factor in helping you. This comes with both pros and cons as of course the financial and care aid helps a lot and it does make the family closer but at the same time there are bound to be differences in opinions, clashes in parenting styles or maybe you have working class/immigrant parents that don't feel emotionally available. The same clashes go for siblings especially if they respect your parent's more than they respect you as a parent. Other young parents I know all have the grandparents as significant aids to their circumstances, I can't imagine how hard it is for the rare case of someone who doesn't have that.
  - Being a young parent isn't completely a negative though, I would definitely say it is a tradeoff. You are younger and have more energy than older parents and are able to travel more, play more and do more fun activities together. The generational gap is smaller as well so it is much easier to relate, create stronger emotional bonds and remember what your own life was like at each age. You are also surrounded by friends just as young and playful, however this comes at a con of them probably not having their own kids to play with yours, or feeling alone once they go off to far away universities. Also some people wait too long to have kids and lose the ability to, or the grandparents die before they get the chance to meet them - those parents wish they were you so that's something to be grateful for.
  
  Single Parent
  - Being a single parent means having no one to lean to for emotional support (especially if you aren't close with family and friends just seem too busy with work/university). This doesn't just stack as emotional burden but also physical burden as you can't tag in/out with your partner or do chores/errands together. Relationships are impossible. You meet the love of your life but do not stay together because they don't want to be a step-parent (the breakup feels like grief). Even though no one deserves to be alone, you tell yourself it's a necessity for your children because look at all the movies where single parents are dating it's always a bad thing for the kids. Single parents who find good partners that immediately step up as a parent are very lucky.
  - To be honest there is a slight positive that single parents are applicable for more benefits.
  
  Coparent
  - Family courts are straight up evil. It takes away your time (years of proceedings), money if you are represented (thousands per day), stress if you are not represented (writing statements and speaking in front of a judge, potentially against professionals) and your mental health will suffer so much.
  - Most people can forget about their exes but being a coparent means dealing with your ex (and your ex's parents/family) for the rest of your life.
  - Self esteem goes through the floor as you either have to deal with abuse from your ex, or false allegations of abuse. Things escalate very quickly, especially with social workers or police getting involved.
  
  Dad
  Being a dad makes any of the above have extra unique difficulties.
  - defying the stigma of dad's leaving their kids (tbh a fair stigma, my dad left and i know so many people without dads - but it's unfair for those of us who stayed)
  - defying the stigma of men not being able to be emotional or feminine with their children, especially daughters
  - most parent-child activities or spaces are focused on mothers not fathers (although a few are more focused on father's)
  - coparent father's do not get automatic Parental Responsibility when their child is born and have "no reason" / leverage to see their children up to 6-12months old.
  - the standard for a good result in family courts is a father being able to see their child one weekend and one wednesday a fortnight (many father's go months without seeing their children for no reason)
  - if domestic abuse is involved in the court case, people will just assume it was the father even if it was the mother. and in general there are double standards when it comes to tolerance/leniency.
  
  For context, I am all of the above. I am a 19 year old single father who is the main parent now of my 2 year old daughter but had to deal with inconsistent contact and coparenting difficulties since I became a parent at 17. The journey was/is long but it's all worth it in the end.

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