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TW suicidal thoughts mental health act
Jack25
Posts: 138 The Mix Convert
I’m so tired of my mental health problems and now health problems caused by my anti depressant reaction. I’m tired of CMHT telling me they will use the MHA on me because I won’t consent to medication again, their risk assessment frames me as high risk when I clearly state I have no intent of suicide. Everything changed when I took the anti-depressant I just lost all my feelings and even phobias, I have complete apathy and it’s horrible, I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Walking doesn’t help me as much or feel good anymore, and nothing else I do helps me cope. Since I lost all my feelings I’ve lost friends and someone very close to me because I’m just not the same. I’m hoping it comes back with time, hope that my all feelings come back, my skin stops feeling all numb, and my body functions actually function properly. But I don’t like how they said it could take months years or indefinitely although they said perhaps my serotonin syndrome reaction hasn’t fully corrected yet and needs more time. I don’t know 🤷♂️.
I don’t really know why they keep threatening the MHA on me - I’m exhausted by it, it feels like I’m a prisoner in the community, and that I can’t actually be honest with them because they’ll just MHA me. I don’t want to discharge myself because I do need help, but I don’t like that people are keeping an eye on me like this. I’ve made it clear I don’t want to die, I just want to have my emotions back, I’d take my painful crying spells and days where I felt really depressed over this profound emptiness.
Therapy isn’t helping me at the moment, because I just can’t get relief or enjoyment no matter what I do, so I have no sense of direction. I have dreams and aspirations but losing all my emotions makes me feel disconnected from them - I just have apathy. I’m so apathetic I think I’m accidentally upsetting my best friend as my mental state is so bad, I’m losing everyone and everything, and I feel so incredibly hopeless, like all I can do is wait to see if my emotions come back and try and engage with life until it happens; and just accept everything I’ve lost in life and the people I won’t get back, the feelings etc. I don’t want to move on, suicide feels like an escape from everything I’ve lost, so I don’t have to think about what I’ve lost and things I won’t get back, and the uncertainty of it all not coming back. Sometimes it feels like there’s no going forward and no going back, I’m stuck in a limbo of just losing everything, things not changing, and it’s my only way out. My therapist said it’s possible to live life without emotions - but I just can’t, I have no direction, desire relief joy love sadness etc. emotions drive everything and I can’t live without it. Sorry for my rambling. I’m safe
Comments
@Jack25 thanks, as always, for sharing all of your thoughts and feelings with us, it takes immense courage and we really respect that.
I'm hearing that CMHT have tried to prescribe you with some different medication, which you have understandably rejected following the side effects you're still experiencing. The side effects, including feeling disconnected from everyone, feeling numb in your skin and your bodily functions not working correctly sound so intense to be dealing with long-term. It also sounds like they are talking about MHA and maybe being sectioned, which is making you feel exhausted and frustrated. I'm curious, what is it about MHA that makes you feel this way?
It must also be frustrating to be apathetic and not feel the benefits of therapy, that sounds distressing. I imagine feeling like you're losing your best friend is making that so much more difficult to manage.You don't deserve to feel like you're stuck living life without emotion, that's so unfair on you.
As you're already aware, if you do start to feel unsafe with your suicidal thoughts, please do contact Shout on 85258, Samaritans on 116 123 or NHS 111 for urgent support. You're not alone in this.
Thanks @Callum
I just don’t want to take medications again and I don’t want to be forced onto it, and constantly bringing up the MHA isn’t helping me. I feel so despairing and I’m struggling so much to function anymore.
It makes sense you don't want to take medications again @Jack25, especially after what you've been through. Constantly being told about MHA must be so overwhelming, stressful and upsetting, you deserve to be heard about your concerns with this. You are doing a brilliant job sharing this with us. How are you feeling today?
I'm curious, what is your ideal goal that you'd hope to achieve after all of this, and what draws you to that goal? Is there anything you could do right now to try and work towards that, even if it's something small?
Thanks @Callum im feeling very empty. My therapist is contacting the NHS because she said she did research into my condition caused by the anti depressant and further medication can make it worse so they shouldn’t push it on me.
I want to go to uni but it’s a matter of if I will recover. I csnt believe a tablet can do all of this ☹️ I feel like it’s ruined my life.
@Jack25 feeling empty must be so distressing to experience, you deserve so much more than that. It's good to hear that your therapist has contacted the NHS to help you navigate this situation by asking them not to push you into taking medication so as not to worsen your condition.
Going to uni is definitely a good goal to have in mind! I'm curious, what would you like to study at university? Is having that goal something that might help you find a way through this?
Thanks @Callum I’d like to study physics, but given my state now it’s looking more like a distant dream. Only time will tell I suppose. I have deep regrets about taking that anti-depressant now and I hate the uncertainty of my condition. I don’t think the goal is helping anymore due to the emptiness, before it was something I felt excited to work towards but this overnight emptiness has left me apathetic. I can’t even feel connected or love to my family members or friends. The goal is just to get through the day really. This apathy just gives me no emotional reason to live - I can cognitively say I care about people, but emotionally I don’t feel it, so I act interested when emotionally I don’t care but I know I do care but struggle with the authenticity of it? It’s so hard to describe what I mean!
@Jack25 Studying physics at university sounds like a good dream to have, I'm sure you will find a way to get there, but it's okay to not be ready for that yet.
It makes sense you regret taking the antidepressants, it must be so difficult to be dealing with the consequences of that now. You mentioned not feeling connected to your family and friends, I'm wondering whether they are aware of what's been happening? And if so, how have they been supporting you?
I know it can be difficult to explain what you mean, but I'm hearing that taking the antidepressant medication and the after-effects you've been having have you feeling no emotions and struggling to remain interested in other people. Does that sound about right?
Hey @Callum
Yes they are aware but it’s all quite lonely. I’m being quite a burden to my best friend with all of this but I’m thankful he’s sticking by my side.
Yes that’s right. I don’t like how I get told it could take months/years/indefinitely for my emotions and physical health to improve or be normal just because I took 1 tablet. I’ve never felt so disconnected from my friends, I can’t feel anxiety, no thirst or hunger either and I can’t properly go to the toilet and the list goes on. It’s incredible what one ‘safe’ tablet can do 😐.
Therapy is going ok! Although the actions of my nhs care coordinator recently has raised safeguarding concerns my therapist is brining to her supervisor. This is the second time a safeguarding concern was raised, one from an ambulance crew and now my therapist. 🙄
The NHS did acknowledge the disease caused by the medication then changed their mind. It is acknowledged privately though.. However their ‘treatment’ isn’t helping because what they are trying to help me with is the disease iteself which doesn’t currently have any treatment, mistaking the disease for mental health issues that presented very differently - I also believe it wasn’t necessarily depression but perhaps neurodiversity based given some things I’ve thought about and other practitioners have said about me - which for some reason was dismissed when I turned 18 as not being an issue, how strange! I’m having much better support in therapy - she looked and researched a lot about the issue I brought up and has figured out how best to support me, which is helping me function and accept what has happened. Although I feel like I’m missing out in the emotional richness and depth of life others experience - the detachment is hard to deal with, I miss the connection I felt towards others and love and warmth from other people or just talking to my best friend. It’s such a difficult change to process overnight.
I hope you’re doing well and everyone else here 🙂
Hey @Jack25 It's good to hear that you're not alone in this, you're not a burden at all and it sounds like he really supports you in this. It's unfair you're dealing with all of this following taking one tablet that was supposed to help you through this, it makes sense you're feeling low and disconnected from everyone. How are those feelings doing at the moment I wonder? Are they still the same or has there been any change I wonder?
It's good to hear that therapy is going okay for you. It sounds difficult with the safeguarding concerns being raised though. Is that something you might feel comfortable sharing more about with us? No problem if not though.
You deserve some clarity on what's happening internally following taking the medication, but it must be so confusing them changing their mind though good it has been acknowledged privately. I'm wondering what disease they initially labelled it as? And what sort of treatment have you been receiving for this so far that you mentioned?
So glad to hear you feel a lot more supported in therapy! I'm curious, what sort of things has your therapist found that might help you through this? It sounds like you're doing such a good job of pushing through this @Jack25!