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TW suicidal thoughts mental health act
Jack25
Posts: 134 The Mix Convert
I’m so tired of my mental health problems and now health problems caused by my anti depressant reaction. I’m tired of CMHT telling me they will use the MHA on me because I won’t consent to medication again, their risk assessment frames me as high risk when I clearly state I have no intent of suicide. Everything changed when I took the anti-depressant I just lost all my feelings and even phobias, I have complete apathy and it’s horrible, I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Walking doesn’t help me as much or feel good anymore, and nothing else I do helps me cope. Since I lost all my feelings I’ve lost friends and someone very close to me because I’m just not the same. I’m hoping it comes back with time, hope that my all feelings come back, my skin stops feeling all numb, and my body functions actually function properly. But I don’t like how they said it could take months years or indefinitely although they said perhaps my serotonin syndrome reaction hasn’t fully corrected yet and needs more time. I don’t know 🤷♂️.
I don’t really know why they keep threatening the MHA on me - I’m exhausted by it, it feels like I’m a prisoner in the community, and that I can’t actually be honest with them because they’ll just MHA me. I don’t want to discharge myself because I do need help, but I don’t like that people are keeping an eye on me like this. I’ve made it clear I don’t want to die, I just want to have my emotions back, I’d take my painful crying spells and days where I felt really depressed over this profound emptiness.
Therapy isn’t helping me at the moment, because I just can’t get relief or enjoyment no matter what I do, so I have no sense of direction. I have dreams and aspirations but losing all my emotions makes me feel disconnected from them - I just have apathy. I’m so apathetic I think I’m accidentally upsetting my best friend as my mental state is so bad, I’m losing everyone and everything, and I feel so incredibly hopeless, like all I can do is wait to see if my emotions come back and try and engage with life until it happens; and just accept everything I’ve lost in life and the people I won’t get back, the feelings etc. I don’t want to move on, suicide feels like an escape from everything I’ve lost, so I don’t have to think about what I’ve lost and things I won’t get back, and the uncertainty of it all not coming back. Sometimes it feels like there’s no going forward and no going back, I’m stuck in a limbo of just losing everything, things not changing, and it’s my only way out. My therapist said it’s possible to live life without emotions - but I just can’t, I have no direction, desire relief joy love sadness etc. emotions drive everything and I can’t live without it. Sorry for my rambling. I’m safe
Comments
@Jack25 thanks, as always, for sharing all of your thoughts and feelings with us, it takes immense courage and we really respect that.
I'm hearing that CMHT have tried to prescribe you with some different medication, which you have understandably rejected following the side effects you're still experiencing. The side effects, including feeling disconnected from everyone, feeling numb in your skin and your bodily functions not working correctly sound so intense to be dealing with long-term. It also sounds like they are talking about MHA and maybe being sectioned, which is making you feel exhausted and frustrated. I'm curious, what is it about MHA that makes you feel this way?
It must also be frustrating to be apathetic and not feel the benefits of therapy, that sounds distressing. I imagine feeling like you're losing your best friend is making that so much more difficult to manage.You don't deserve to feel like you're stuck living life without emotion, that's so unfair on you.
As you're already aware, if you do start to feel unsafe with your suicidal thoughts, please do contact Shout on 85258, Samaritans on 116 123 or NHS 111 for urgent support. You're not alone in this.
Thanks @Callum
I just don’t want to take medications again and I don’t want to be forced onto it, and constantly bringing up the MHA isn’t helping me. I feel so despairing and I’m struggling so much to function anymore.
It makes sense you don't want to take medications again @Jack25, especially after what you've been through. Constantly being told about MHA must be so overwhelming, stressful and upsetting, you deserve to be heard about your concerns with this. You are doing a brilliant job sharing this with us. How are you feeling today?
I'm curious, what is your ideal goal that you'd hope to achieve after all of this, and what draws you to that goal? Is there anything you could do right now to try and work towards that, even if it's something small?
Thanks @Callum im feeling very empty. My therapist is contacting the NHS because she said she did research into my condition caused by the anti depressant and further medication can make it worse so they shouldn’t push it on me.
I want to go to uni but it’s a matter of if I will recover. I csnt believe a tablet can do all of this ☹️ I feel like it’s ruined my life.