Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering Stuff Edition) w/c 19.01.26

Verity · January 19

This is a space to chat or vent about things which you think may be more triggering for the Community but still want to get off your chest.

Every Monday morning we will close the thread and start a new one so we have a fresh one each week. If you'd like to check out this week's venting thread that isn't triggering, click here.

Lottie5433 · January 19

Callum wrote: »

Hey @Lottie5433, it's good to hear that seeing your parents was okay and felt more settled.

Just checking in on whether you managed to cancel your DBT appointment for Wednesday, or whether you managed to speak with your general manager about sitting out of the course this time and maybe doing your DBT appointment online?

It makes sense you're feeling worried and lost about what to do, but it sounds like you are actively thinking about how to get through this, which is really strong of you.

(Just moving this from the other thread as I wanted to answer but I know the thread gets closed today)

Thank you @Callum for your message.
Yeah everything with my parents seemed okay I still think there is some tension at times but I don’t spend a lot of time at home anyways so should all be fine.

So I jut had a response from my email and I have cancelled the appointment on Wednesday and they have forwarded the email on to N (who is the one I’m seeing) to see if we can rearrange or go online for it. I spoke to my general manager and she’s sorry that I have to miss the appointment as she knows how important they are for me but ultimately I need to do the training for work anyways.
I’m just not looking forward to the training right now because I relapsed again with my self harm last night so now have to find a way I can hide it during the training as the training involves going into the swimming pool.

Callum · January 20

@Lottie5433, It's good to hear you managed to sort out the situation regarding your work and therapy appointment tomorrow. It's a shame you've had to cancel the appointment to rearrange it and have to do the training tomorrow, but at least that's sorted out now.

I'm hearing that the training might be difficult being in the swimming pool following your relapse. In what way might you be able to deal with that I wonder?

Lottie5433 · January 20

Hi @Callum
Thank you for you message, it is a shame I had to cancel it and rearrange it but it’s now on my 2nd training day. I’ve spoke to my general manager to see if I can skip part of the training for 1hr to do the session as it’s online and she said I’d have to speak with the instructor doing the course. She also said it’s up to me how much I disclose to the instructor but might be worth telling him what it’s for and the importance of it and that I’ve already had to cancel the initial appointment for the training course.
I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it, it’s mainly the worry that my wrists are in show and the top of my arm. Like my only way around it is to find my long sleeved swim suit or wear a long sleeved T-shirt as we have to wear shorts and T-shirts in the water
I’m just annoyed at myself because I relapsed again with my self harm and I can’t hide it much because I keep itching it and drawing attention to it

Callum · January 20

@Lottie5433 It's good that your general manager is allowing you to talk to the instructor at your own pace. Telling the instructor the purpose of your appointment and how important it is to attend as a reason to miss 1 hour of the training sounds like a good plan. How do you feel about doing that I wonder?

It's completely understandable that you're worried about your self-harm being visible during the training. It makes sense you're annoyed at yourself, but try not to be too hard on yourself, you are doing a brilliant job working through this. Have you managed to find a solution with regards to a long-sleeved swimsuit or a long-sleeved top for the pool?

You mentioned that the training and maybe therapy appointment is tomorrow, good luck with the training! Please don't hesitate to let us know how it goes and how you're feeling about it all afterwards!

Lottie5433 · January 24

I had to cancel the appointment as when it was scheduled we would have been in the pool doing practical training. So I just have the appointment next week.

TBH though I’m just done with everything

My partner just found out about my self harm and wants to know when and where I did it but I don’t want to tell him. He keeps saying he’s going to tell my general manager and I don’t want him to do that. Also said I have to tell my therapist when I see them next week

I’ve just been crying and given myself a headache.
I just want all this to go away. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m done with everything. I’m too broken to be fixed now. 15yrs of this and I can’t undo any of this to make my life somewhat better so what’s the point anymore really

Sian321 · January 24

Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like things are feeling so overwhelming right now, with everything piling on top of one another. I hear that your partner finding out about your SH is feeling really upsetting and stressful. What's it like for you when he asks those questions, or mentions about you telling your therapist? You're doing so well to share, and we're here to listen at your own pace.

Thinking about today, what do you feel you need to make things even 5% more manageable?

I noticed you said that you just can't do this anymore, and I really hear how hard and overwhelming this is. Can I check, are you feeling able to stay physically safe?

Please know that SHOUT, Samaritans, and Papyrus are here for you today 24/7 if it would feel helpful to get more space to be supported 1:1. We also have our Support Thread this afternoon that you'd be very welcome to join. We'll be there ready to listen.

Lottie5433 · January 24

everything is feeling overwhelming right now now. Yeah my partner finding out about it is stressful and upsetting. When he asks those questions it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and that I’m getting told off. Then him saying he will tell my general manager just feels like my trust is being betrayed but then also I don’t want my work knowing anything because they think I’m fine and I’ve been coping well enough to get through work.
im not sure what will make things just a little bit manageable.
I should be able to stay physically safe kind have to anyways

Sian321 · January 24

Mhm, that feeling of being told off sounds so hard, Lottie. I really hear how you worry sometimes about having done something 'wrong', and how it can feel like your trust is being betrayed and things being escalated out of your hands and control maybe?

Just to check in around your SH, are you feeling okay in your body at the moment following that, and do you feel like you need any medical attention?

Thank you for letting us know that you're feeling able to keep physically safe, though I hear that emotionally things are still feeling really, really overwhelming today.

It sounds like the way your bf has reacted to your SH doesn't necessarily feel the most helpful for you right now. I'm wondering, if others were to learn about your SH or you opened up about it to them, what would feel like a more supportive or less overwhelming way to respond for you?

You're doing so well to talk about this and to be reaching out here when things are feeling a lot. I recognise that isn't always easy, and we're here as your Community to listen at your pace!

Lottie5433 · January 24

hi @Sian321 yeah I do worry that I’ve always done something wrong even when it’s just my way of coping when nothing else works. Then with my bf say he might tell my general manager does make me feel like things are out of my control majorly.
im feeling okay on my body regarding my sh it’s just sore and itchy, I think a couple might be infected so just keeping an eye on them for now. Even if they are infected it won’t matter as I’ve had it before and been fine. I don’t need any medical attention, i will see my therapist on Wednesday and she’s bound to notice then and ask me about it then and about my crisis plan that I’ve not done.
im not sure really how I’d like others to respond to my sh if I opened up

Sian321 · January 24

@Lottie5433 , thank you for sharing this. That sounds so hard, and I hear that they're sore too. Just to say, if you are concerned about possible infection NHS 111 are here for you to provide medical advice and help keeping those safe and clean. We care about your safety, Lottie.

How are you feeling about seeing your therapist on Wednesday? What's your relationship like with her so far would you say?

Lottie5433 · January 24

Hi @Sian321 its okay, I’m use to my sh being sore and getting infected from time to time, it’s just the consequences I get from doing it I suppose.
I’m not concerned about infection really and I don’t really want to bother 111 with asking for advice as I know what to do as I’ve just been on a first aid training course.
im feeling okay I guess about seeing my therapist- I haven’t seen her since the 14th. Like we are just going through pre-treatment stuff for DBT and going over my crisis plan (we haven’t done this yet and was meant to do it like 2weeks ago). I’d say it’s a pretty good relationship so far like she doesn’t push me to talk about things and like notices things in my body language. She’s noticed I like fidget toys so she’s going to bring those to our sessions and she’s already said that compared to the first time meeting her I’m a little more relaxed and don’t have loads of excess anxiety energy

Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering Stuff Edition) w/c 19.01.26

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