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Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition) w/c 12.01.26
Leyla
Community Manager Posts: 630 Incredible Poster
This is a space to chat or vent about things which you think may be more triggering for the Community but still want to get off your chest.
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Every Monday morning we will close the thread and start a new one so we have a fresh one each week. If you'd like to check out this week's venting thread that isn't triggering, click here.
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So turns out I have 2 appointments.
I had one today which was about conducting a risk assessment and my care plan for when I start DBT. Then tomorrow I start pre treatment.
Today’s appointment went well but like not a lot has changed off my risk assessment so I felt like it was a bit pointless. Although I didn’t tell the full truth as I was asked when I last sh’d and I said the other day when actually it was this morning but I didn’t want to tell her that. I’m not looking forward to tomorrows appointment because I have to go through my crisis plan but also start talking about some of the things mentioned today like my reckless driving, my suicidal thoughts etc. I just don’t want her to notice my sh because then she’ll get concerned just like the nurse was when I was getting bloods done for the eating disorder when she saw new ones. I don’t want that to happen again.
I just don’t want to go to this appointment tomorrow. Like it’s causing a lot of anxiety but also I’ll have to go home to drop my dog off before I go and I don’t want to go back home because I had an argument with my mum today which spiked the urge to sh.
I just don’t know what to do at all
Can I ask what feels like the hardest part of tomorrow’s appointment? Is there anything that might make the appointment feel slightly safer or more manageable? You don’t have to have everything figured out tonight.
the argument with my mum was hard and like she doesn’t get that shouting at me just makes me more closed in and less likely to talk about anything. Like after I took my dog for a walk and then went to mine and my partners and stayed there all day, like I haven’t been home at all in the last 24hrs and I don’t want to go back at all but I know I have to before my appointment today. I’m just hoping some distance has helped a bit.
I guess the hardest part about the appointment today is that I have to begin to talk about things like my emotions and my behaviours like the self harm, suicidal thoughts/actions, and the dissociation. Which I don’t really want to talk about yet because I never know what to say and my last therapist (who was for an eating disorder) was never understanding and underplayed how I was feeling etc. so I don’t want that to happen again. But then it’s also like I have to go through my crisis plan and It includes planing for the worst case which is being admitted and working out what I’ll need to help with a stay if I ever get admitted. Then there is talking about all the other things in that and working out what helps me and what others can do to help which I never know the answer to
well hopefully we are in the same room as last week, she said she’d try and get the same room so it feels safer and reduces my hypervigilance as I would already know the room. She also took note that I might benefit from having fidget toys just so I have something for my hands to do other wise I’m fidgety but also help me ground myself as well.
I just don’t like the idea of going and talking about all this, I’ve been dealing with it for years and then had to wait 8 months to even begin DBT maybe I can go my whole life without help and just live like this
How did the appointment go today if you feel comfortable sharing? I hope finding the room wasn't too much of a hassle, and what a great idea to bring fidget toys!
Also, you mentioned visiting your mum before the appoitment which I know might be tricky as you had the argument, we're here to listen if you wanted to discuss that.
Yeah it may be a long process but I think it will be helpful and beneficial in the hopes that I don’t have to rely on negative behaviours so much. I just know I’m going to struggle to maintain the motivation to do 12months of this whole process.
The appointment went okay today, we didn’t go through the crisis plan like we said we would, she said she’d send me a template of one so I can get ideas and will look at doing it next week in session. We then just went through the work book of DBT pre-treatment and spoke about some of the things in there. I was late though so the session was as long as it should be really. The positive was she didn’t pick up on me hiding my self harm although I did keep pulling my jumper down over my hands. It was lucky that the room was the same as last time although I did notice some changes to the room which I was focussing on but yeah that was good.
I don’t end up seeing my mum, as she was out when I got home so I just dropped off my dog and sat upstairs doing my hair before heading off to the session. Just got to go back tonight to get my dog and then have to see my parents tomorrow as I’m taking my dad to the hospital so yeah hopefully things have blown over by then if not I’ll just bottle things up and just not talk
A template sounds helpful, do you think that and the workbook made the session better? I understand that you didn't want your SH to be a topic of discussion as it is something that you would only want to discuss at your own pace.
I hope all went well with seeing your parents, if you like to disucss by all means do, we're here to listen.
Well I haven’t had the template give to me yet I’m meant to have it this week but she hasn’t sent it to me. The work book helped as we just discussed the information on it and like the page of “is DBT right for me” we spoke about that for a while and again with the sociobiological aspects of DBT. It also helped that I had fidget toys with me.
I don’t ever want to discuss my sh just coz I feel like it worries everyone all the time or it’s the same questions of: how did you do it, when and where did you do it, was the object clean, how are the wounds, did you need to go to hospital, etc and I just get fed up with them.
Seeing my parents was okay, spoke to them yesterday as I had to drop my dog off and told my mum when I’d be back from work to take dad to hospital and it seemed like things had settled a bit more. I’m just be cautious as I don’t want another relapse as before my recent start I was almost 4months clean and since starting again I’ve only managed 24hrs if that. I guess this is all stuff I can discuss eventually in DBT
So I have to cancel my DBT appointment on Wednesday which means phoning them up and that gives me too much anxiety, I also don’t know which number to phone as I have 2.
The reason for cancelling is because I have to do a 2 day pool training course in order to continue working at the leisure complex. I’m not looking forward to this, like I’ve done this course like 3 times now with refresher courses every 3-6months in a year, however I don’t want to do this right now. The reason being is I have new self harm marks on my wrists, arms and stomach and I’m scared people will find out. Like I was in a good place then the stuff with my mum made things a little more challenging and what ever happened the week before, I just don’t feel comfortable doing it but I know I have to.
I might speak to my general manager because she’s aware of this issue but also that I’m getting treatment and have appointments on Wednesday so I might s we if I can sit out of the theory stuff for an hour and do my appointment online if that’s okay with the DBT lady. Like I don’t want to miss a session as in a few weeks I’m away with work so will miss another session, I also don’t want it to reflect on my willingness to do the sessions.
I’m just lost in what to do
Just checking in on whether you managed to cancel your DBT appointment for Wednesday, or whether you managed to speak with your general manager about sitting out of the course this time and maybe doing your DBT appointment online?
It makes sense you're feeling worried and lost about what to do, but it sounds like you are actively thinking about how to get through this, which is really strong of you.