UCAS and feeling a bit lost and upset

Jack25 · January 5

I’ve got 10 days to do my application. And I’m getting that sinking feeling again looking at my grades knowing what I could’ve achieved if I didn’t have mental health problems. I’m still not in the headspace to make such decisions, so I’m just following my past self but one thing I can’t copy are my uni choices, not only does looking at my options feel disheartening when I had practically endless options with my predicted grades last year, I have no clue where I want to go, I don’t get that oooo I like this feeling, it’s just words on a website due to depression, it’s like I’m making an educated guess for someone who doesn’t exist right now, it’s scary and upsetting when I think about what could’ve been :< I thought I got over my grades but I’m upset again, I’m kicking myself for not doing this differently I wish I didn’t have the MH crisis, ahhhhhh it’s results day all over again. I think I’d be mad if I resit because I want to do better I know I can and proved I could, but another year out for that would be risky as I could do worse. But I absolutely love my sibjects and would happily do a levels again but I’d be too old next year :< regret regret regret. Can’t believe I’m crying over this :< I suppose I am mourning the version of me that didn’t get to finish his story, I applied to competitive unis but failed the entrance exam as my MH tumbles and it’s just a what if… out of all things I cry over this is the most stupid one because I know it’s not over and it will be ok but it’s just being disappointed in myself, I honestly forgot about all of this it’s just my school got in contact to do the application. Academics is my passion and education so it’s quite disheartening!

AnonymousToe · January 5

Hi, I also found applying to uni to be very difficult. I took a gap year kind of by accident because I was struggling so much I didn’t meet the UCAS deadline the first time around. I dont know how old you are or what your situation is exactly but that’s always an option and it’s not the end of the world if you can’t do this right now. You don’t have to resit for no reason. I just took a year out. It went so fast. But now I’m at uni, I don’t tell people I took a gap year, nobody needs to know and it’s kind of just as if it didn’t happen. What I’m trying to say is don’t panic, and don’t give up. It’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean you’ll never study again.

PS: it’s brilliant that you’re managing to do A levels at all while struggling so much

Jack25 · January 5

Thank you @AnonymousToe . I'm on my gap year now and had intended to resit my A-levels entering school full time in January but that ship has sailed and I'm going straight into my application with limited options. It has really upset me, it's been a while since I've cried this much and I don't know why it feels so much like grief - I suppose it's the only thing I care about anymore so it really hits when my entire pathway has changed. I'm all caught up in the sense of loss and just can't move on. I know it's not the end of the world but I just care too much to the point my emotions are way out of proportion to what's happening. I'm really confused I've got 2 subjects in mind but because of my mental health I don't want to do it or feel drawn to them anymore - I'm choosing a subject for a version of me that doesn't exist.

Ech0 · January 5

@Jack25 What you are feeling makes complete sense and it is not silly, weak, or wrong at all to feel upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed. You have been carrying a lot, and it is natural to grieve the version of yourself that didn’t get to finish the story you imagined. That grief does not mean you have failed. It means you care deeply about your dreams, your passions, and your potential.

Your mental health struggle was never your fault, it was something incredibly difficult that happened to you, and the fact that you kept going, day by day, shows how strong and resilient you truly are. You are not defined by the circumstances that interrupted your path and the fact that you can see what you were capable of does not mean you failed to become that person. It means that ability, enjoyment, and passion still live inside you and they are not going anywhere.

You are not too old, and you are not behind. There is no strict timeline for learning, growing, or becoming the person you are meant to be. Life does not have to follow a straight line, and taking a winding path, pausing, returning, or beginning again does not make your journey any less meaningful or valuable. The fact that your love for your subjects and your curiosity for learning is still alive is a testament to who you are at your core. That part of you has never been lost.

Right now, it is completely okay that you do not feel excitement or certainty about your university choices. It is okay that making these choices feels heavy or flat, and that the spark you wish for is not there yet. You are moving forward in the best way you can, given everything you have been carrying, and that is more than enough. You are showing up for yourself even when it is difficult, and that is something to be proud of.

Your story is not over, and it is not too late. You are still the same passionate, curious, intelligent person who loves learning, and that part of you is so alive. Life may not have followed the path you envisioned, but there are still so many ways to create opportunities and pursue your goals. You are capable and you are deserving of support, understanding, and kindness. Even in the middle of fear and uncertainty, I hope you can feel some hope. You are not alone, and you are stronger than you realise. Every step you take, even when it feels unsure, is a step forward.

Jack25 · January 6

Thank you @Ech0 that's a really insightful response

It has gotten a bit worse because when I filter by courses on UCAS that would accept my tariff/grades for what I want to study there's only one university which is 10+ hours away by train. I was really upset when I found this out yesterday evening I'm doing better today it's a shame my options have become so limited, and none of them appeal to me because it would be difficult to go straight onto what I want to do. I feel like I'm falling behind, everything and everyone is moving forward and I'm on a standstill, and even if I'm better I will be held back by my grades which are stopping me from studying what I had planned and would need to navigate it. It's really stressful trying to reword my personal statement and fit it all together for the new format, I have no motivation and it's draining it's getting a lot harder to eat again etc. 🙁

AnonymousToe · January 6

Is there a course with a foundation year? Maybe you could do something like that?

UCAS and feeling a bit lost and upset

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