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A First Step, Not the Finish
Redemption
Community Connector Posts: 6,315 Master Poster
in Work & Study
Sorry to post 2nd time in 1 day, I just wanted to vent more. So starting work has shifted things for me, especially after such a long period of feeling stuck and directionless, but it hasn’t magically fixed everything. Being finally employed does feel like a step forward for my wellbeing because it gives my days some structure and purpose, and it makes resting afterwards feel earned rather than guilty. At the same time, it’s tiring despite the short hours, mainly because of the early starts, and I was always aware that simply having a job wouldn’t suddenly resolve how I feel. This role is domestic work and very much a starting point rather than where I want to stay, and I’m quite hard on myself about it, worrying about how it looks and what other people might think. Even so, I try to remind myself that it’s valid work, that it matters, and that I don’t need to massively celebrate it, just quietly recognise that it’s progress and that small steps still count. I also know that if I were to get dismissed from this, it would feel devastating because it’s meant to be a first step—a start—and not getting to hold onto it would hit me hard, especially after all the struggle to get here.
What makes it harder is the constant fear of making mistakes and being sacked, especially given everything I’ve been through to get here. After past experiences of being criticised, removed from courses, dismissed from volunteering, and rejected from placements, every small error feels like it could spiral into something bigger, and the idea of losing this job, particularly a domestic role that’s often seen as “easy,” really scares me because it feels like it wouldn’t reflect well on me at all. That fear sits in the background most of the time and makes it difficult to relax at work. Still, I’m trying to hold onto the fact that this isn’t the end of the road, that mistakes are part of learning, and that I do have ongoing support through my current work programme, which is more focused on directly getting people into jobs. Alongside that, I’m continuing to apply for roles myself, reminding myself that getting this job on my own does show I’m capable, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
What makes it harder is the constant fear of making mistakes and being sacked, especially given everything I’ve been through to get here. After past experiences of being criticised, removed from courses, dismissed from volunteering, and rejected from placements, every small error feels like it could spiral into something bigger, and the idea of losing this job, particularly a domestic role that’s often seen as “easy,” really scares me because it feels like it wouldn’t reflect well on me at all. That fear sits in the background most of the time and makes it difficult to relax at work. Still, I’m trying to hold onto the fact that this isn’t the end of the road, that mistakes are part of learning, and that I do have ongoing support through my current work programme, which is more focused on directly getting people into jobs. Alongside that, I’m continuing to apply for roles myself, reminding myself that getting this job on my own does show I’m capable, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
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Comments
It sounds like you’re doing something really brave by taking this step, even if it doesn’t feel perfect or solve everything at once. It sounds like you are excited about this new structure, this sense of purpose, and how resting afterward feels earned rather than guilty, and yet you’re also carrying the fear of making mistakes and the worry about how others might see you. It’s completely understandable to feel on edge in this situation and starting anything new may come with a mixture of hope and fear.
Please also remember that your mistakes do not determine anything about your worth or you as a person. They are simply part of being human, part of learning, and part of growing. They don’t take away from the courage it takes to get up each day, to start this job, and to keep moving forward even when it feels heavy. The fact that you are still here, showing up and giving your best, speaks volumes about your strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
Also no need to apologise for sharing how you feel as that is what we are here for. It’s okay to celebrate your achievements, to rest without guilt, and to acknowledge the resilience it takes to keep going. Every small effort you make matters and every day you take care of yourself, even in tiny ways, counts as progress.
At the same time, it sounds exhausting to carry that constant background fear that a small mistake could escalate and the job could be taken away, especially given your past experiences. I really hear how stressful and frightening that's been, and it sounds like your time on shift can feel tense due to this.
If you feel comfortable sharing, I wanted to ask whether in previous roles or placements that ended you were ever given clear feedback about what wasn’t working? If so, I wonder if there may be something there we could gently reflect on together as learning you can carry forward into this role? No pressure around this too, and equally, I appreciate it might be the case that no feedback was given, which I can imagine might feel really hard, confusing, or frustrating in its own way too.
With the fear you're carrying at work, I also wondered what things have been like for you outside of your shift-hours and how you've been able to decompress and rest after your work? You're doing your very best @Redemption , and you're so deserving of down-time and fun outside your shifts too to help lift the weight of some of that fear off your shoulders.
@Ech0 Thank you, your comments including this really means a lot. I appreciate you taking the time to understand and put it into words. It helps to hear that what I’m doing matters, even if it feels small, and I’ll try to remember to be kinder to myself and celebrate the little steps.
Thank you so much Sinead, I really appreciate your kind words. It helps to hear that it’s okay to feel nervous and that mistakes are part of learning. I’ll try to be gentler with myself and make sure I take time to relax outside of work too. I treated myself to a maccies this afternoon so that was good but yh thank you as always Sinead, I always appreciate you and hope you had a nice Christmas and happy new year to you ❤️
@Sian321 I've been ok thanks , just yh a lot on really. Ive only really been on taster sessions for placements with interviews and stuff like that not actually got on to the placements, I did volunteering which I hated and felt under appreciated. I've been able to decompress a bit after work, like our chats have helped a bit like just knowing i have encouragement, people to unwind to when i get back especially our day time chats but yh its harder to get a nap and catch up on my sleep when I get home. Anyway thank you Sian.