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TW suicidal thoughts Idk how to keep going
Jack25
Posts: 74 Budding Regular
Went to my local MH crisis centre for the first time last night after feeling like I was going to kill myself and just got told to push through and if I kill myself I will cause pain for my family & its not fair on them and that 9/10 people who try fail & are left psychologically damaged or disabled. And proceded to tell me i shouldve gome to uni as it wouldve helped my mental health. I was told I might be too suicidal to continue therapy and might get discharged, told this in a crisis made me feel horrible. It reminded me of my first attempt and filled me with regret, so I left and wondered about in the dark until I was lost.
For the first time in a while I don’t see a world with me in it anymore. I just can’t do it. I know saying sorry to my family would never be enough but what do I do when I’m just not strong enough to push on anymore, and the only help I get is to be told to push forward.
What am I meant to do when I feel like I’m drowning every minute and thinking about suicide every minute. What do I do now? Im used to having thoughts everyday, but they have more gravity now, it’s making it hard to cope. Told my dr I was more suicidal than ever and left with nothing and was told a similar thing about trying harder. I see my MH prac on Tuesday and it’s been a struggle to try and make it to Tuesday. I’m struggling with hopelessness and despair, I feel things will never get better. I’m at that point again feeling desperate to end my pain. But I feel as though things are already over. I hate myself and my life, it’s my fault I have everything yet I just want to die. I hope Tuesday gives me something to get me through because I’m just losing it. It feels like I’m only alive right now to be in pain and nothing else, I was hoping I would get out of it and things would get better, but I’ve just lost it all. I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t do it, I’m weak and I’m going to be like this for as long as I’m alive, its sad it feels like there's no other way out. I'm too weak to try harder and too weak to push forward. It's all my fault things r so much worse again. I just really miss my old self, I feel lost.
I always get asked by Doctors etc what can we do to help, idk, I donf know how I would know. Any ideas?
I'm safe
For the first time in a while I don’t see a world with me in it anymore. I just can’t do it. I know saying sorry to my family would never be enough but what do I do when I’m just not strong enough to push on anymore, and the only help I get is to be told to push forward.
What am I meant to do when I feel like I’m drowning every minute and thinking about suicide every minute. What do I do now? Im used to having thoughts everyday, but they have more gravity now, it’s making it hard to cope. Told my dr I was more suicidal than ever and left with nothing and was told a similar thing about trying harder. I see my MH prac on Tuesday and it’s been a struggle to try and make it to Tuesday. I’m struggling with hopelessness and despair, I feel things will never get better. I’m at that point again feeling desperate to end my pain. But I feel as though things are already over. I hate myself and my life, it’s my fault I have everything yet I just want to die. I hope Tuesday gives me something to get me through because I’m just losing it. It feels like I’m only alive right now to be in pain and nothing else, I was hoping I would get out of it and things would get better, but I’ve just lost it all. I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t do it, I’m weak and I’m going to be like this for as long as I’m alive, its sad it feels like there's no other way out. I'm too weak to try harder and too weak to push forward. It's all my fault things r so much worse again. I just really miss my old self, I feel lost.
I always get asked by Doctors etc what can we do to help, idk, I donf know how I would know. Any ideas?
I'm safe
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Comments
how are you doing today?
What has today felt like?
Sorry for the late reply I haven't been doing too well but at least the serotonin syndrome and withdrawal is over, I've just been trying to continue on as normal and pretend I'm ok which has been hard as the problems caused by the medication and hospital visit shook me up a bit. I was meant to be discharged from therapy due to the medication issues and being too suicidal and it says that's what would happen in the letter, but they changed their mind and I'm continuing therapy, which is good but all so confusing because I was under the impression I couldn't get support anymore (as mentioned in a different post) so got referred to CMHT who said they can't offer anything, no key worker etc. and now I'm seeing someone from CMHT, it's all so confusing and I think I'm going to look like an idiot now because I'm still getting support and I've been referred to CMHT for not having any more support options. Not to mention somehow the appointment is Friday, I don't want to speak to anymore professionals.
You mentioned that you will be continuing therapy - how are you feeling about that? Am I right in understanding that your therapist is someone you're seeing through CMHT, or perhaps they are separate?
Its really positive to hear that the serotonin syndrome and withdrawal is over now because those symptoms sounded so, so distressing and overwhelming to be going through, and I remember you saying how they'd made you feel extremely surreal. It sounds such a relief for that to have stopped now, though I hear that day-to-day you're still pretending yourself okay, which is hard and tiring I can imagine, especially after being shaken up by the hospital visit. We're here with you, Jack, and care about your wellbeing. I really hope that these next few days you can find little pockets of rest and comfort.
It's been really hard I've been feeling more anxious and overall not doing well at all. It's been significantly harder I think the past events have taken a toll and my thoughts and feelings feel very intense.
I don't think I'm in the right place anymore to continue, I don't think I can get much out of it with my current state of mind.
The therapist is through "NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression services", which is separate from CMHT (confusing system 😵💫).
I saw CMHT today they were very very nice - genuinely such a change from CAMHS I couldn't believe it! but no key worker etc., they did offer to send me to a psychiatric hospital if I wanted to which is not what I want, but I did have a think because I don't feel ok but I hopefully can manage. I hate hospitals too so I wouldn't want that. Home treatment was an option where I see someone daily but I'm so overwhelmed right now the thought of seeing new people is too much and very scary for me. I want support but I can't overcome the barrier that talking to people & seeing people is anxiety inducing and will make my MH worse until I get used to it. Those were my options, but I said no, but I can probably ask about it again if I need to. The problem with CRHT is that if you don't improve they send you to hospital anyways. I hate hospitals they scare me! I also couldn't cope with therapy on top of seeing people daily etc. it's too much. I'm just trying to stay safe.
Thank you again