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(Suicidal rant but no plans) I yearn to be loved
bignosegirly0
Posts: 435 Listening Ear
I wished I could be loved in a romantic sense. I hate feeling so lonely all the time. I hate how I randomly remember numerous occasions which proves that love will never find me. I hate how the void inside me will never go away. I feel so cold inside. I desperately want a man to love me back. I want to know what it’s like to experience love. I want to have a the privilege of building a bond that’s so passionate and precious. I want the privilege of being able to grow old with the love of my life. But that’s not an option for me. And it kills me everyday. Even therapy can’t fix it.
I want to be held so desperately. I want someone to care for my fragile soul. I want a man to be gentle with me. I want a man to fill that void inside me. But the void will never leave. That heavy feeling of unlovability will never leave me. The only thing that can get rid of that heavy feeling is suicide. I’m trying everything I can to stay alive. My family and I are hoping to move out in two years, so I would hate to ruin that plan for them. But it’s so fucking painful having to live with that feeling everyday. Even if my day is going alright, I suddenly get hit by this depressing fact, that love isn’t an option for me. It never has been an option throughout my life, why would it be an option for me now or later.
I hate living with this feeling. I much rather be dead than to live with this feeling for the rest of my life. I just want to be loved and validated so fucking badly. I want to be good enough in a romantic sense. I want to experience romantic love so fucking bad.
It doesn’t matter how much I love myself. Although my self esteem is much better, compared to when I was a lot younger, I still feel depressed about not finding love. Generally speaking, we are social creatures who yearn for connections, both in friendships and romantic relationships. So that yearning for love will never go away. And it kills me inside everyday.
I want to be held so desperately. I want someone to care for my fragile soul. I want a man to be gentle with me. I want a man to fill that void inside me. But the void will never leave. That heavy feeling of unlovability will never leave me. The only thing that can get rid of that heavy feeling is suicide. I’m trying everything I can to stay alive. My family and I are hoping to move out in two years, so I would hate to ruin that plan for them. But it’s so fucking painful having to live with that feeling everyday. Even if my day is going alright, I suddenly get hit by this depressing fact, that love isn’t an option for me. It never has been an option throughout my life, why would it be an option for me now or later.
I hate living with this feeling. I much rather be dead than to live with this feeling for the rest of my life. I just want to be loved and validated so fucking badly. I want to be good enough in a romantic sense. I want to experience romantic love so fucking bad.
It doesn’t matter how much I love myself. Although my self esteem is much better, compared to when I was a lot younger, I still feel depressed about not finding love. Generally speaking, we are social creatures who yearn for connections, both in friendships and romantic relationships. So that yearning for love will never go away. And it kills me inside everyday.
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Comments
It sounds like you've been feeling lonely and wishing for romantic love to come into your life, and at the same time, I also hear you say that you hate feeling this way - as if there is a cold, heavy void inside that you cannot get away from. That sounds so difficult, and we're right here with you to listen and explore this.
You mentioned that sometimes it feels like the only thing that could get rid of that heavy feeling of unloveability would be suicide, and again, that sounds so agonizing to be going through everyday. I really hear how much you long to be held, and for the care and closeness of romance. May I ask, are you considering acting on these suicidal feelings at the moment @bignosegirly0 ? And how are you keeping yourself safe? What kind of activities or services help you cope through the hardest moments?
I noticed you've mentioned multiple times in your message that romantic love doesn't feel like an option for you. It sounds as if you almost feel shut-out of that kind of life-experience, would that be fair to say? I can imagine that feeling so painful , @bignosegirly0 , when you wish for it so strongly. You're doing really well to put that feeling of yearning into words, to get curious about it, and to reach out for support. You're so deserving of space and time and understanding.
I wonder if anyone else hear on Community has ever felt a similar kind of yearning, and what helps them find comfort?
A reminder that these spaces are here for you if you'd like some further support and space to explore your suicidal feelings:
shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258
hopeline (24/7) - text 88247
samaritans (24/7) - call 116123