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(Suicidal rant but no plans) I hope I kill myself one day
bignosegirly0
Posts: 414 Listening Ear
I don’t see a bright future. For most of the time where I make a plan to end my life, I end up bailing out for stupid reasons like “oh, but this event is going on in a month and you’ll ruin it for the family” and “oh but what if it does get better” or “what if it’s painful” or “what if you fail and become disabled for the rest of your life”
I hope one day, these excuses will do fuck all to keep me safe. I hope I one day gain the courage to put me out of my fucking misery
especially when the shit that makes me depressed is actually real. It’s not some bullshit lie that I’ve made up in my head because of my “low self esteem 🥺🥺🥺”. I am unlovable in the real world. I am heavily disliked in the real world. Despite having luck in being able to get into a lot of job interviews, something always fucks me over and I’m unable to actually get a new job. I’m stuck in a shit slum full of bastards who could not care less if they walked in on my dead body. I’m trapped. Even my therapist has said she feels bad and how I must feel “stucked”
Suicide is my only escape from my depressive thoughts based on the reality that love isn’t an option for me.
I hope one day, these excuses will do fuck all to keep me safe. I hope I one day gain the courage to put me out of my fucking misery
especially when the shit that makes me depressed is actually real. It’s not some bullshit lie that I’ve made up in my head because of my “low self esteem 🥺🥺🥺”. I am unlovable in the real world. I am heavily disliked in the real world. Despite having luck in being able to get into a lot of job interviews, something always fucks me over and I’m unable to actually get a new job. I’m stuck in a shit slum full of bastards who could not care less if they walked in on my dead body. I’m trapped. Even my therapist has said she feels bad and how I must feel “stucked”
Suicide is my only escape from my depressive thoughts based on the reality that love isn’t an option for me.
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Comments
You mentioned that you can't see a bright future, and it sounds like you're carrying a lot of hopelessness right now - would that be fair to say? The path ahead feels bleak or uncertain, and it's hard to know exactly what or who you can hold onto.
From what you've written here, I'm also getting the sense you can feel powerless sometimes - is that right? You said that the issues you're struggling with feel real, tangible, and 'out-there' struggles, such as society's beauty standards here in the UK, or the job market. And I can imagine that feeling overwhelming - trying to find and hold onto hope in the midst of these bigger systems or circumstances. I get the sense too that you feel terribly uncared for and disregarded by many of the people you interact with day-to-day, and that sounds so lonely right now.
Can I ask, are you considering trying to end your life at the moment? And how are you practically keeping safe?
I also wonder, what do you feel you might need to happen or shift or change in your life in order for the future to feel even 5% brighter?
We're here, we're listening, and we care.
The following spaces are here for you if you'd like further support:
https://www.samaritans.org/
https://giveusashout.org/
Yes, I’ve been feeling extremely hopeless over the past few days. I feel powerless.
Im not considering ending my life right now. Currently I'm at home. I’m keeping myself distracted by trying the app to see if I could find any solutions for my issues.
I feel I need change. I need a new job to get out of a workplace that makes me believe all the negative statements about myself.
You mentioned that you're craving change, and specifically, you want to get out of your workplace. It feels so positive that you're naming this for yourself. If you were to break that next-step down into smaller pieces, what do you think are some of the first actions you could take to begin getting out of that workplace?
What kind of support might you need while taking these steps, maybe from your therapist, from us here, from yourself?
We're rooting for you every bit of the way, and reaching that point where we say, 'okay, I want things to change. I need it now', is a huge, huge step.