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(Suicidal thoughts but no plan) sometimes, I love making myself feel worse

bignosegirly0bignosegirly0 Posts: 400 Listening Ear
edited September 25 in Health & Wellbeing
I should be getting a response from my GP soon in regards to getting medicated. But currently as I’m speaking, I fucking love how badly I’m spirally mentally right now. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to it, to the point where it doesn’t feel normal when I’m actually okay. But there are moments where I absolutely love feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom.
And I think it’s because I want to be driven to the edge and finally kill myself.
Or maybe it’s a type of “save me” fantasy where I pray that magically, someone will come over to help me, like I’m a damsel in distress.

I’m ugly crying so badly right now, but I love feeling this way
Post edited by Katie on
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  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 2,621 Boards Guru
    edited September 26
    Hey @bignosegirly0 , how are you doing? I wanted to check in to ask whether you've received any updates from your GP at all?

    You mentioned that there's a part of you that seems to love spiraling badly, perhaps because it feels familiar (and therefore, maybe protective? comfortable as well as anguish?) to have your mood drop like that. Something about 'rock bottom' feels deeply known. And there's a part of you in that deep pain that craves for someone to reach out and rescue you. I hear you, and you're doing so well to get curious about your own thoughts and feelings, to show yourself self-compassion, and to reflect this way.

    When you imagine someone saving you, I wonder if there is someone in particular who you'd crave this to be? What might that savior person say or do? And what might that reveal about what kind of care you're needing right now from yourself and from others?

    Can I also please check how safe you're feeling today, and how you're practically keeping yourself safe?

    Thank you so much for your trust and honesty @bignosegirly0 . We're here with you.
  • bignosegirly0bignosegirly0 Posts: 400 Listening Ear
    @Sian321 hiya, I’m not doing great. My gp said I can’t get medicated unless I see him in person. I’ve stated that I can’t visit him because I don’t have a vechile, neither can my family take me because they won’t be understanding. I’ve been feeling hopeless for the past few days. For me it feels more normal to not be okay than to feel okay. It feels comforting.

    As someone who uses romantic fantasies as a coping mechanism for my mental health, I yearn for a man to save me for committing suicide by falling in love with me. Obviously, it’s not realistic, but it’s a fantasy that helps me cope with my suicidal thoughts.

    I can’t take my life because I’m with my family at the moment
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 2,621 Boards Guru
    Hey @bignosegirly0, thank you for your message. It sounds like the last few days have continued to feel really, really hard, and while not being okay feels comforting to an extent, I also hear that feeling of hopelessness. I can imagine that being heavy to hold, and we're right here with you, listening.

    You mentioned that holding onto fantasies helps you to cope with those suicidal feelings sometimes, and in particular, that image of a man falling in love with you. I hear you, and just how deep that longing to be loved is. I wonder if you've had the opportunity to talk about this fantasy with other people in your life at all, or whether you've found any avenues for expressing those really valid feelings - such as through journaling maybe, or creating art?

    That sounds really frustrating that you're not able to get medication because they won't prescribe to you unless you visit him in person. I remember you saying you potentially had a plan to visit your GP whilst shopping / in town with your mum - is that right?

    What is today looking like for you? How might you take care of yourself this weekend, even if in a small way?

    The following spaces are here for you if you'd like some more 121 support today:
    https://www.samaritans.org/
    https://giveusashout.org/
    https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
  • bignosegirly0bignosegirly0 Posts: 400 Listening Ear
    @Sian321 I’ve told my therapist about my fantasies. And I sometimes use art as an outlet.

    My plan was to get my GP to deliver medication to a local pharmacy so then I could collect it when my family goes shopping.

    Currently, im on holiday with my family and I’m unable to escape, so I won’t be killing myself at any point. My family and I have had arguments for the past two days, so I’m trying to spend some time alone to take care of myself
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