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(Suicidal rant) I’m begging for hope
bignosegirly0
Posts: 407 Listening Ear
I’ve been a miserable cunt since 11 and whilst I can cope with being depressed for the rest of my life, I can’t cope with letting it affect my work. I keep having panic attacks and crying at work. I keep letting everyone down and being a fucking laughing stock at work. It’s fucking pathetic
If I’m not gonna kill my self (because I really am fucking trying to convince myself not to kill myself, I am hanging on a fucking thread at this point), I thought of a plan. I need to be medicated. I need drugs to make me feel nothing. Just a few issues.
1: my family aren’t understanding of my mental health issues. They never have been, and I’ve come to peace with it. So I have to hide my issues, which I’ve done a great job with, because they don’t know about my panic attacks or past suicide attempts.
2: I don’t have a vechile to travel to my GP to get medicated. Although I’m taking driving lessons, my family doesn’t want me to own a vechile because there’s no room in our driveway. We’re planning on moving out in two years, and I don’t think I would survive two years of this bullshit unless I get on drugs.
3: I can’t have it delivered for obvious reasons. My family would be super suspicious. I do get treatments for other issues, and I’ve tried coming up with a bullshit lie of “oh, maybe I could get my treatments delivered to our house”. Just for my mum to be like “or I could just get it for you”
The only option I could think of is to collect medication from the Boots pharmacy . Each week, there is a shopping day and the shop my mom goes to happens to be near a boots pharmacy. Sometimes I come along, depending on what day I work.
I want to discuss this plan with my therapist, because I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m planning on asking a manager if I can no longer work on this specific day so then I could be treated properly for my mental health without my family knowing.
And I am fucking praying it will work. I have no hope left besides this. I am so close to the fucking edge and this is my only sign that I should keep going
If I’m not gonna kill my self (because I really am fucking trying to convince myself not to kill myself, I am hanging on a fucking thread at this point), I thought of a plan. I need to be medicated. I need drugs to make me feel nothing. Just a few issues.
1: my family aren’t understanding of my mental health issues. They never have been, and I’ve come to peace with it. So I have to hide my issues, which I’ve done a great job with, because they don’t know about my panic attacks or past suicide attempts.
2: I don’t have a vechile to travel to my GP to get medicated. Although I’m taking driving lessons, my family doesn’t want me to own a vechile because there’s no room in our driveway. We’re planning on moving out in two years, and I don’t think I would survive two years of this bullshit unless I get on drugs.
3: I can’t have it delivered for obvious reasons. My family would be super suspicious. I do get treatments for other issues, and I’ve tried coming up with a bullshit lie of “oh, maybe I could get my treatments delivered to our house”. Just for my mum to be like “or I could just get it for you”
The only option I could think of is to collect medication from the Boots pharmacy . Each week, there is a shopping day and the shop my mom goes to happens to be near a boots pharmacy. Sometimes I come along, depending on what day I work.
I want to discuss this plan with my therapist, because I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m planning on asking a manager if I can no longer work on this specific day so then I could be treated properly for my mental health without my family knowing.
And I am fucking praying it will work. I have no hope left besides this. I am so close to the fucking edge and this is my only sign that I should keep going
3
Comments
It sounds like seeing your GP has been extremely tough, due to difficulty travelling there due to your family's lack of support for your mental health struggles. That sounds isolating, and I can imagine that might feel lonely and frustrating. I really hear you trying to take care of yourself and to access the support you wish for and deserve.
I'm wondering, might it be possible to request an online consultation with a GP? Or a telephone / video consultation so you're able to have that conversation from home?
It sounds like you've already identified some other possible next-steps too, which is really positive. Like talking to your therapist, and also, possibly being able to collect meds from Boots.
Organizations such as Rethink (https://www.rethink.org/) also offer advice and information around mental health medications if helpful, and NHS 111.
I noticed you've mentioned feeling suicidal and very, very 'close to the edge'. That sounds very intense to be coping with, and I hear how overwhelming it gets. Please know the following spaces are here for you if ever you're struggling to cope or keep safe: