If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. For Crisis Support (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Check out our JD Support Chats every Monday 8pm-9:30pm in partnership with the JD Foundation. They're focused around all things work, retail, fashion, sport and more.
Click here for more info!
Click here for more info!
Boring to read but just wanted to let somethings out my head
Animalloverb
Posts: 200 Trailblazer
I am feeling so low about myself lately. I keep trying to create a better version of me, but it never seems to work out. I fail over and over. I push myself, the gym, the runs, the walks, all these things that are supposed to make me stronger, healthier, more resilient. And Yet when I look at myself I see someone that is crap, I see someone who isn't strong. I am still insecure, i keep wishing that I could just change but the damage clings onto me like a second skin.
To be honest my PTSD has been relentless. My abuser is getting out of prison soon, and the thought alone just makes my chest tighten. The flashbacks are hitting harder then ever. I feel unsafe, as if the walls are thinner and the locks are weaker. My mind just keeps on playing things that I really wish I could just erase, but they just come back sharper, crueler, they are unstoppable.
And then there is my Partner. She is everything I have wanted, beautiful, supportive and kind. She makes me feel seen in a way that nobody else has. I know that she really is the one for me. I want to propose. But just thinking about it, you know the perfect ring, the most beautiful moment, it just spirals into anxiety. Then my brain starts to skip ahead, to the wedding, the costs, the crowd, the pressure, and the expectations. Something that should feel joyful then twists into another weight to carry.
I work 2 jobs. I juggle other responsibilities. I am constantly moving, constantly pushing myself forward. And still, I feel like I am not enough. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many sacrifices I make, I fear I will never become successful person I have been chasing in my head for years.
Now I am also going back to study after such a long time away from any education. It feels massive, overwhelming, as if I was climbing a mountain with my hands behind my back.
And Yet, I still keep going. I keep moving. I keep loving. I keep dreaming.
There will be a stronger, braver and wiser version of me somewhere. The one who can face the flashbacks, the anxiety, and face myself.
I am breaking in slow motion, as I am refusing to let my fear define me. Even when I reach for the little hope and it trembles in my hands.
To be honest my PTSD has been relentless. My abuser is getting out of prison soon, and the thought alone just makes my chest tighten. The flashbacks are hitting harder then ever. I feel unsafe, as if the walls are thinner and the locks are weaker. My mind just keeps on playing things that I really wish I could just erase, but they just come back sharper, crueler, they are unstoppable.
And then there is my Partner. She is everything I have wanted, beautiful, supportive and kind. She makes me feel seen in a way that nobody else has. I know that she really is the one for me. I want to propose. But just thinking about it, you know the perfect ring, the most beautiful moment, it just spirals into anxiety. Then my brain starts to skip ahead, to the wedding, the costs, the crowd, the pressure, and the expectations. Something that should feel joyful then twists into another weight to carry.
I work 2 jobs. I juggle other responsibilities. I am constantly moving, constantly pushing myself forward. And still, I feel like I am not enough. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many sacrifices I make, I fear I will never become successful person I have been chasing in my head for years.
Now I am also going back to study after such a long time away from any education. It feels massive, overwhelming, as if I was climbing a mountain with my hands behind my back.
And Yet, I still keep going. I keep moving. I keep loving. I keep dreaming.
There will be a stronger, braver and wiser version of me somewhere. The one who can face the flashbacks, the anxiety, and face myself.
I am breaking in slow motion, as I am refusing to let my fear define me. Even when I reach for the little hope and it trembles in my hands.
2
Comments
You mentioned that you've been feeling very low about yourself lately, striving to create a "better me" and yet, always left feeling as though you're not good enough, or clouded with past experiences and damage. That sounds really painful, Bea, and I really do hear just how much you're craving a change. Can I ask, what do you imagine being a "better me" or the "successful person" you're chasing look and feel like? What would becoming that person allow you to feel or experience? What would it mean to you to become them?
I hear you, Bea, and to feel fundamentally unsafe in that way sounds like its been really, really frightening and triggering. That sounds extremely hard. I wonder if you've ever received any support following the abuse that you went through, and what spaces you have had to talk about how their release from prison is impacting you? You're do deserving of all the space and time you may need to process this and to find a new version of safe again. You're being really brave to talk about this, and we're here with you over these next few weeks as you navigate these changes.
On a practical level, is there anything you can think of that might help to signal to your body, 'I am safe' too?
You may find more information or advice with some of the services here:
https://refuge.org.uk/what-is-domestic-abuse/my-rights/
https://www.ptsduk.org/
Thank you for sharing about your partner, the anxiety of wedding and proposal plans, and your working commitments too. I really do hear just how much pressure you might be holding right now, and also, just how determined you are to build a beautiful life. That feels so, so powerful, and yet, tiring at times. You described it as a 'weight', and that sounds heavy to carry. What does it feel like to type these words out and post them here? I wonder if there's relief in it perhaps? Or maybe the weight gets heavier? What's it like?
We're listening and we're here with you.
I also just want to be healthier, I have spend my life with so many unhealthy habits due to all the truama and these unhealthy habits were all I knew and so I really want to change that.
I didn't receive any support following the abuse I experienced. Literally non at all. And I have nobody to talk to about how my abuser being released from prison is impacting me.
Deep down I know I am safe as there are things in place for that reason but just knowing my abuser is going to be back on the streets is awful and so that layer of safety and protection there was while he was locked away will no longer be there.
I am not the best at talking about my life really which is why I am always carrying so much, typing them here does help give a but of relief but I am still carrying so much its impossible to not have any weight to carry.
It is scary typing things out here, mostly because I am scared people won't understand. But also because I just don't feel like I am struggling enough to share anything.