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Hi again
Notrealname6789
Posts: 15 Settling in
in General Chat
Hi guys, I completely forgot I made an account on this!
So updates... I've decided not to go along with the MtF transition, as it was costly and I'm a bit short on money at the moment, and I've met a girl who is bi and have been with them for six and a half months now isn't that crazy? It feels like so much longer, so in terms of life, I'm much happier with who I am thanks to her, and in part due to myself as well, but she's made me a better person, and I feel so much less depressed now.
Also, I guess it's time to tell you more about myself, so I'm 21 and still live with my parents, but at some point I want to move out, I'm on a performing arts course at college and the people in there are genuinely some of the best people I've met in this lifetime, its how I met my partner, and working together, Ironically as villain and henchman of the villain one of which ends up getting brain drained at the end of the show, is kind of what brought us together.
I'm an avid reader, have been since I started up at Nursery, surprising both teachers and myself with the fact that I read a whole book in front of the class. I love to write stories, and have created scripts previously. I love video games such as Sonic, Minecraft and Five Nights at Freddy's, ask me anything about any of those three, and I can talk your head off if you let me!
On the more sad side of things, I'm adopted, and was lucky enough to have found a foster carer who would give me the best of lives possible, even if I take that life for granted sometimes. I'm disabled with a brain deformation, so in a way, I'm kind of age regressed, but I don't 100% know for sure if I am unfortunately. I have self diagnosed autism, because meeting the friends I have now, I've started to realise that with the way I behave, I have autistic traits, like high emotion levels and the high stress levels too.
I was bullied till the age of eleven, and that took a huge chunk out of my mental health, cause even so many years later, the trauma still exists, and since I never got therapy, I've lost a lot of who I was back then, becoming a shell of my former energetic self, this has caused things like severe social anxiety and a lot of trust issues considering some of my so called friends would ditch me when someone better came along, so throughout my childhood, I was a total social outcast, sometimes, even now, I still feel like an outcast, because I just don't fit in and laughter can be hard for me considering the past few years.
So 2021, not a great year for me, I met this girl on a different site, not like a dating website, but something similar to this, lets call her person J, we started talking and through that first convo, we fell for each other and started going out the day after, blah, blah, blah, Christmas, we took a break and started up again in March, dated for a bit, never met up cause back then she lived 2 hours away, and I don't care to know where she is now. Find out from someone else who knew her through the site and another one she used their photos and pictures of her dog, saying it was her. For some stupid reason, I still dated her, even after that, then she somehow found out my password, signed in and used it to hate on the girl. I admit now that that was wrong, but from my perspective, I let her use it because I thought she'd just talk to people, but nope, she fucked me over then, and a year later she did it again on another forum site, except this was more indirect, basically, she messaged me on Snapchat the once, saying "Oh, swear at me on there, it'll be fun" laughing about it, I at first said no, because, I'm not that kind of person but she kept pushing and pushing and I gave in. I hated it, but to her? absolute comedy. I get banned, try to create a new account, because at the time, I needed that website, well, guess what? she tells me to do it again, plays the victim, I get banned. And a few months later, I confront her about it right? denies ever saying it, blocks me afterwards. I've tried to reason with the website, but they're on her side so what's the point? the messages are gone so I can't even prove it anymore, its so frustrating. Because if Person J is willing to do what she did to person S, and is willing to fuck people over just to make sure she stays in good arms with that site, which she's been banned on before might I add, TWICE whose to say she won't do it again? honestly that website is wrapped around her finger, and lord knows if you try to expose her.
Whatever though, I try not to think about it anymore, but god does it irk me so. Some of you if your older users may know her, but god knows anymore. Anyway onto something more light-hearted, I'm happy with who I am at the moment, although, I do feel like a gigantic financial burden to my family, because I get told not to spend too much when I go out places, and I feel like I disappoint them when I come back with only pence's or just nothing, not to mention the amount of tech I've broke due to frustrations with the internet and Games frustrating me sometimes, and after the loss of my gaming laptop, which was brought with money from my late Grandads will, I've been super depressed, and I haven't told anyone I feel this way, but I think my brother definitely saw it I just hate myself so much knowing that these two hands typing up this message right now was the cause of so many tablets, controllers, two dvds and blu rays, and now the laptop, I let everyone down, If you all want to judge, hate, mock, go ahead, I deserve it.
So updates... I've decided not to go along with the MtF transition, as it was costly and I'm a bit short on money at the moment, and I've met a girl who is bi and have been with them for six and a half months now isn't that crazy? It feels like so much longer, so in terms of life, I'm much happier with who I am thanks to her, and in part due to myself as well, but she's made me a better person, and I feel so much less depressed now.
Also, I guess it's time to tell you more about myself, so I'm 21 and still live with my parents, but at some point I want to move out, I'm on a performing arts course at college and the people in there are genuinely some of the best people I've met in this lifetime, its how I met my partner, and working together, Ironically as villain and henchman of the villain one of which ends up getting brain drained at the end of the show, is kind of what brought us together.
I'm an avid reader, have been since I started up at Nursery, surprising both teachers and myself with the fact that I read a whole book in front of the class. I love to write stories, and have created scripts previously. I love video games such as Sonic, Minecraft and Five Nights at Freddy's, ask me anything about any of those three, and I can talk your head off if you let me!
On the more sad side of things, I'm adopted, and was lucky enough to have found a foster carer who would give me the best of lives possible, even if I take that life for granted sometimes. I'm disabled with a brain deformation, so in a way, I'm kind of age regressed, but I don't 100% know for sure if I am unfortunately. I have self diagnosed autism, because meeting the friends I have now, I've started to realise that with the way I behave, I have autistic traits, like high emotion levels and the high stress levels too.
I was bullied till the age of eleven, and that took a huge chunk out of my mental health, cause even so many years later, the trauma still exists, and since I never got therapy, I've lost a lot of who I was back then, becoming a shell of my former energetic self, this has caused things like severe social anxiety and a lot of trust issues considering some of my so called friends would ditch me when someone better came along, so throughout my childhood, I was a total social outcast, sometimes, even now, I still feel like an outcast, because I just don't fit in and laughter can be hard for me considering the past few years.
So 2021, not a great year for me, I met this girl on a different site, not like a dating website, but something similar to this, lets call her person J, we started talking and through that first convo, we fell for each other and started going out the day after, blah, blah, blah, Christmas, we took a break and started up again in March, dated for a bit, never met up cause back then she lived 2 hours away, and I don't care to know where she is now. Find out from someone else who knew her through the site and another one she used their photos and pictures of her dog, saying it was her. For some stupid reason, I still dated her, even after that, then she somehow found out my password, signed in and used it to hate on the girl. I admit now that that was wrong, but from my perspective, I let her use it because I thought she'd just talk to people, but nope, she fucked me over then, and a year later she did it again on another forum site, except this was more indirect, basically, she messaged me on Snapchat the once, saying "Oh, swear at me on there, it'll be fun" laughing about it, I at first said no, because, I'm not that kind of person but she kept pushing and pushing and I gave in. I hated it, but to her? absolute comedy. I get banned, try to create a new account, because at the time, I needed that website, well, guess what? she tells me to do it again, plays the victim, I get banned. And a few months later, I confront her about it right? denies ever saying it, blocks me afterwards. I've tried to reason with the website, but they're on her side so what's the point? the messages are gone so I can't even prove it anymore, its so frustrating. Because if Person J is willing to do what she did to person S, and is willing to fuck people over just to make sure she stays in good arms with that site, which she's been banned on before might I add, TWICE whose to say she won't do it again? honestly that website is wrapped around her finger, and lord knows if you try to expose her.
Whatever though, I try not to think about it anymore, but god does it irk me so. Some of you if your older users may know her, but god knows anymore. Anyway onto something more light-hearted, I'm happy with who I am at the moment, although, I do feel like a gigantic financial burden to my family, because I get told not to spend too much when I go out places, and I feel like I disappoint them when I come back with only pence's or just nothing, not to mention the amount of tech I've broke due to frustrations with the internet and Games frustrating me sometimes, and after the loss of my gaming laptop, which was brought with money from my late Grandads will, I've been super depressed, and I haven't told anyone I feel this way, but I think my brother definitely saw it I just hate myself so much knowing that these two hands typing up this message right now was the cause of so many tablets, controllers, two dvds and blu rays, and now the laptop, I let everyone down, If you all want to judge, hate, mock, go ahead, I deserve it.
3
Comments
The performing arts course your doing in college sounds very good too and I hope it goes well for right now.
Also I noticed you mentioned about being self diagnosed autistic and as a fellow neurodivergent autistic person myself if you need any support I'm more than happy to help with things. I know that waiting lists are incredibly long right now, I'm currently waiting for an ADHD review as I've been referred to the adult mental health services in my local area for it. But do you think in the near future would you get an official diagnosis potentially? I know having a diagnosis isn't for everyone though and it does take time to consider.
So I read all of your post and wanted to say I think its lovely that you have meet a girl and that you both seem to get along too. It sounds great that she also supports and helps you as well because having a support network is always handy to have. Also I have got security breech fnaf for my switch and I'm yet to play it just been distracted by other stuff. I also hear that you want to transition right now but are struggling with the costs of it. Literally transition stuff whether it's for HRT or testerone etc is so expensive sometimes (I believe that it should be part of free health care really because it brings people so much joy so they can finally be themselves). Hopefully you can get enough money soon so you can start the transition soon but when you are ready too as well.
It's sounds like your still going through a lot after what happened in the past and I want to say it's okay to feel not okay right now because we can't always be 100% happy in life but we can acknowledge how we feel in the present.
I'm always here if you wanna chat whether thats for support to video games etc. I hope your doing okay this week
Big hugs,
Amy22
Hello, Amy, It's nice to hear from you again! It's been a long and healing journey for me the past couple of years, having learnt so much about myself and also, in a way, teaching myself that it's ok not to be alone, and that you don't have to face issues by yourself, even when your just so used to fighting for yourself because that's how you grew up, my family are super supportive, and great and all that, but I've kind of come to the conclusion that I need to branch out and look out for myself too you know what I mean? but, it kind of feels like I can't because everyone around me are always on my case family wise, I go out with friends or my partner, it's always "don't go too crazy with money, buy yourself something small" I mean, it's my money you know? I'm not being a menace and taking their credit cards, I don't even have one of my own, which is why I have to rely on pocket money or things like that.
Ooooh Security Breach is a good one, especially if you're just getting into the word of Freddy's, I have a Security breach handbook as well, so if you do end up playing it, I can give you some advice if you want! to be honest, I've been more focused on other things at the moment rather than the transitioning, I just feel like it add to the growing mounds of pressure considering its also my last year at college, So I'm kinda scared out of my mind about it cause mentally, I'm not prepared to leave but as my friend says, "things get worse, before they get better!" which is probably the best mindset to have I guess.
Yeah, I would appreciate having someone to relate to when it comes to Neurodivergence, my brothers autistic too you see, so If the case ends up being that I do have Autism, I have friends with it too, a few have left but it would be nice to find strategies to deal with it, although in a way, I have if that makes sense? cause I've lived a full life, regardless of the hardships, but I don't totally feel like I fit in, but the friends I've met who are autistic, I genuinely feel like I fit in, cause I understand their struggles, and I feel like I belong if that makes sense. As for official diagnosis, I'm not sure, I'm not great with people and it's hard to find people that I trust outside of my comfort zone , but with time, I think I would feel comfortable with getting a diagnosis, but for now, I'm not too sure
I'm always here if you need to chat too, I'll try to be on more or as much as I can, cause right now, my mind is all over the place and yeah, I'm doing better this week thanks how about yourself?
Sending big hugs back
Notrealname6789