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[TW self harm mention] i need advice

slovieslovie Posts: 18 Settling in
edited July 17 in Health & Wellbeing
so to summarize my last discussion, basically i'm not allowed to see my closest friends until i get better from SH. i'm not allowed to contact them at all because they all happen to have a history of SH, and my parents + 2 medical professionals (who aren't therapists) say that this is better for me. in addition, i'm also getting my device privileges back, but it has to be monitored

the device thing isn't one of my main concerns to be honest, as i don't really have anything that could be used against me. i only play games and roleplay on my computer and phone. i'll get to how it affects me soon

however, i'm extremely anxious about losing my friends. besides my school friends (who are definitely not as close to me), i really don't have anybody besides them. they are my ride or die, the only people who i can fully open up to and truly be myself. i feel like i'll be worse without them since i can't just "find new friends." it's hard for me to socialize in general. on one hand, i get it since they just want to protect me from relapsing and having the urge to SH. on the other hand, they're more than just "my friends who SH." i can't even get over my ex properly, so imagine having to get over the only people who truly know what i'm going through

combined with my monitored devices and less privacy, i feel like i have to be more secretive. this isn't working at all. my urges are just stronger, i feel like i want to hide my SH better instead of fixing it, and i want to secretly talk to my friends. that's not what i want. i want to genuinely build my parents' trust back, but it's so hard for me to do so with all these factors

here's my dilemma: i want to talk to a therapist about this whenever i get one, but i'm afraid they'll say the same thing and not understand my perspective. should i bring it up with them and hope that they talk to my parents on my behalf? should i wait a little to get to know them before bringing it up? should i even bring it up at all?

edit: i want to add that i have talked to my parents about how this makes me feel, but ultimately they still haven't changed their stance. i was thinking that hearing my perspective from my therapist would help, but i'm not so sure
Post edited by slovie on
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  • slovieslovie Posts: 18 Settling in
    boost so that people can see this ^^
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 2,177 Boards Champion
    edited July 19
    Hi @slovie, how are you today?

    Thank you for being so open about everything you're holding right now. It sounds like an incredibly heavy and frustrating place to be in, losing contact with the people who feel like your “ride or die,” especially when they’re the ones who really get what you’re going through. I can imagine that feels gutting, because they help you to feel seen and to feel real too as 'you'.

    It sounds really conflicting right now to want, on the one hand, to rebuild trust and to be open, but then on the other hand, to feel like you have to hide more to cope. And you're unsure how a future therapist might react to all of this. If you were to have that conversation with them, what do you think are the most important points that you'd really like them to see and understand about your situation?

    Also, if you did talk to a therapist (which you have every right to do), I also wonder if you could voice your fear about them not hearing your perspective too - saying something like, 'Hey, I really want to tell you something, but it's hard to open up because I'm really scared you won't see my perspective. It feels right now like a lot of people are making decisions on my behalf, and I know its because they care and they take my safety seriously. But it's overwhelming too, and sometimes it makes me feel silenced. I want to talk to you, but I'm scared I'll just feel overlooked here too' - or something like that! I wonder if letting your therapist into that fear and that inner conflict could be helpful too. You deserve so much understanding and kindness around this.
  • slovieslovie Posts: 18 Settling in
    If you were to have that conversation with them, what do you think are the most important points that you'd really like them to see and understand about your situation?
    that will take me a bit of time to think about LOL. i definitely want to bring up how it fuels my guilt, which might make me relapse. i also want to bring up how my parents pretty much scared me into not relapsing, because if i did then they'd say they'll send me to a ward :'(

    i say this a lot but genuinely, thank you for being here for me. :)
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 2,177 Boards Champion
    Those are some really, really great points there @slovie and you deserve to have them heard and taken on board. How do you think you'd like to express them? I wonder if writing things down ever helps you (I know for me, I find that comforting when I'm approaching a conversation I'm nervous about!).

    I really do hear just how much you're juggling right now - it's been so much change to process and navigate. That's overwhelming.

    We're all here for you, of course! And thank YOU for being so open about this. That takes courage.
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