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[TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts, swearing] ranting
slovie
Posts: 17 Settling in
ever since i started reaching out for help, i always hear that my "actions have consequences." yes, it's true, but holy shit i'm so tired of hearing it when it comes to my mental health. every time i bring up anything about my phone, computer, and friends being taken, my parents always say that "my actions have consequences, and this is it." no shit??
it just makes me feel so hurt because it's the harsh truth. it's MY fault i didn't reach out sooner. it's MY fault that i'm suicidal. it's MY fault that i resorted to harming myself. it's MY fault i got grounded in the first place. it's MY fault that my schedule may not work out with therapy. it's MY fault my coping mechanism is gone. it's MY fault i'm like this. i'm reaping the consequences, and i'm upset about it.
god, this makes me hate myself even more. i feel so guilty. i only did this to myself, and i feel like the only way i can fix this is death. i can't take it anymore. i'm so exhausted
it just makes me feel so hurt because it's the harsh truth. it's MY fault i didn't reach out sooner. it's MY fault that i'm suicidal. it's MY fault that i resorted to harming myself. it's MY fault i got grounded in the first place. it's MY fault that my schedule may not work out with therapy. it's MY fault my coping mechanism is gone. it's MY fault i'm like this. i'm reaping the consequences, and i'm upset about it.
god, this makes me hate myself even more. i feel so guilty. i only did this to myself, and i feel like the only way i can fix this is death. i can't take it anymore. i'm so exhausted
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Comments
It sounds really, deeply hard to be feeling this crushed and alone right now. What you're going through is incredibly heavy, and you don’t deserve to carry it all by yourself.
I really hear what you're saying about how paradoxical it feels - you've been actively trying to reach out, to open up, and whenever you've done that lately, you feel like it's only led to more loss, with your phone or friends being taken away. That's really, really painful, and confusing too maybe. Because you're simply trying your best to be honest and to ask for the help you're really needing.
It sounds like the weight of self-blame feels really crushing right now - feeling that it's your fault for suffering like this, and that these 'consequences' are almost punishments for that. You're feeling a lot of self-hatred that's very loud right now, to the point of feeling like death could be the only way out. It sounds like you're extremely overwhelmed? And we're right here with you to listen without judgement. You deserve so much time and understanding. You're doing really well to name and say all of this.
Can I check, how physically safe are you right now, and can you also tell us how you're staying safe? What are the actions or people that are helping you to do so?
It sounds to me like you've been coping with so much for a long, long time, and you've found ways to deal with that that have helped you to survive and stay alive, even while they're perhaps also meant hurting yourself. And both of those two things can be true at once. Being in pain is not a crime. Feeling overwhelmed is not a moral failing. This is your first time alive on this planet too (just like me!), and you're doing your very best to get through each day. You're allowed to not be okay. And that doesn't mean you haven't been trying hard enough or doing healing 'wrong'. And this journey of healing doesn't have to be neat and tidy, or linear at all. Your pain is valid. You're valid exactly where you are right now.
We're here and we're listening.
luckily, i will be getting my devices back soon but it's monitored and i have to have some of my friends completely wiped from my contacts. i feel numb rn, so it's all hard to process. i feel 100% more anxious to do anything, which makes my urges even worse than before. i just hope that a therapist would understand and see what damage it's doing to me
physically, i am fine. i have been clean for 2 weeks, but only because the things i SH with have been taken away. i'm just trying to cope through watching YT videos
thank you for your help, it means a lot to me