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Can't win... don't want to go in yet cry when i don't
Invisible_me
Posts: 514 Incredible Poster
in Work & Study
It's like I cabt win..
Let week when I didnt go work because i was ill I was crying that I wanted to try and go in, routine broke now when it comes to going in tomorrow I don't want to! The anxiety is draining me!
My managers in he'll be like how are you as soon as he sees me seeing he's not seen me for a while his been off,ill prob end up giving him that "go away look" which he thinks is my fustrated/overwhelmed look. And I don't want him to think I'm weak! If I need tone to regulate when I go into work after 1hr travel 2 buses, is that being weak?? Consider I work as a young people wellbeing mentor... so does this mean I'm weak?? How can I mentor others when i need regulate time?? Several have said that. His hinted at this as well but also says uts oksy and has been allowing me regulate time.
He'll also be on me for ticking off my probation targets which I know needs doing but like I know I'm going to fail, so dont set the point, its overwhelming or confusing to know how to ask team can you shoe me this? That?? or ill pass it but still won't be confident doing certain things independently.
Only thing I can think of is like 1 week he looked at it and said today focus on this this and get this person to show you, they're doing it now. Ahd like that helped because it was very clear to me! Telling me tick off probabatoon checklist is like "whst? How? When?" People don't understand when you have autism you need to know when to ask, how yo ask, whst to say, plan whst they'll respond, how they'll respond etc... and thst is so stressful so I just put it off!
Let week when I didnt go work because i was ill I was crying that I wanted to try and go in, routine broke now when it comes to going in tomorrow I don't want to! The anxiety is draining me!
My managers in he'll be like how are you as soon as he sees me seeing he's not seen me for a while his been off,ill prob end up giving him that "go away look" which he thinks is my fustrated/overwhelmed look. And I don't want him to think I'm weak! If I need tone to regulate when I go into work after 1hr travel 2 buses, is that being weak?? Consider I work as a young people wellbeing mentor... so does this mean I'm weak?? How can I mentor others when i need regulate time?? Several have said that. His hinted at this as well but also says uts oksy and has been allowing me regulate time.
He'll also be on me for ticking off my probation targets which I know needs doing but like I know I'm going to fail, so dont set the point, its overwhelming or confusing to know how to ask team can you shoe me this? That?? or ill pass it but still won't be confident doing certain things independently.
Only thing I can think of is like 1 week he looked at it and said today focus on this this and get this person to show you, they're doing it now. Ahd like that helped because it was very clear to me! Telling me tick off probabatoon checklist is like "whst? How? When?" People don't understand when you have autism you need to know when to ask, how yo ask, whst to say, plan whst they'll respond, how they'll respond etc... and thst is so stressful so I just put it off!
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Comments
It really does sound so draining, what you describe - those conflicting feelings and the anxiety it creates. I hear you, and you're doing so well to talk about this.
It sounds hard for your routine to have broken when you were sick and couldn't go into work - I know you've been working so hard to feel comfortable in your work place and to collaborate with your management to find systems that feel supportive to. You've been putting a lot of dedication into this, and it sounds really tough to feel that getting disrupted.
You said that you're worried that other people might think you're 'weak' for needing some time to regulate at work - is that right? That sounds difficult, @Invisible_me - that fear of judgement maybe. What do you think? Do you feel it makes you weak at all? From my perspective, it is very, very valid that you might need some time to regulate yourself when you're at work (especially after your long commute there), and in fact, it feels really positive that you are acknowledging your own needs and that you know what you need to feel more regulated and comfortable!
I see what you're saying, and just how much extra thought, consideration, and planning goes into asking a question like that. That sounds really tiring and a lot of pressure too.
We're here for you and we're listening if you'd like to explore this more!
It was okay thurs, struggled at firt, went out, came back in worse went out. My manager was in but late and he wasn't the lead so hecasked me hoe I was, gave no response so he left it. Then 5mins later just said I'm completing work upstairs but message me if you need me. After I settled I enjoyed it.
The routine break was very difficult yes especially when things are getting slightly better than before. It's mad me realise I want to stay!
He phoned me yesterday. He said he noticed I was shut down and he praised me for going out when I need to whicg was good to hear, like I thought it makes you a weakling. I feel this say because of the nautr of Role I'm doing that, -, supporting other people when I need support myself! Didn't voice this to him.
He also asked how things while he c was on leave. I spoke to him the same as did to service manager on 1 lead manager shouting across table if okay rather than coming it to me when I'm clearly unsettled. I ended up disclosinng who an be said ,", by what I know that person is very supportive, butb if i noticethings like thisir anythingthat upsets me v then to have a chat with him: I coulnt tell him.though how that lead ended up repeated asking, ' you okay " in public, " you relaxing therre" no I was working, " oh you cool in those clothes and your thin aren't you, " and hoe this made me want to leave and I walked off. He gathered I was hiding something so he asked if there was anything else, and again. Should I have??
most if not all people would be overwhelmed after that community. It’s not a bad thing it helps you manage.
Your job is hard, and you care about doing it well. It’s just harder when things aren’t clear. Being autistic means you need more guidance, and that’s okay. When your manager clearly told you what to do and who to ask, it helped — that’s the kind of support you need more often. If he asks how you are, it’s fine to just say, “Bit anxious, just settling in.” You don’t have to explain everything. You’re doing your best, and that matters.
I guess on Friday my manager praised me for taking time out when I needed it, which was reassuring to hear.
His okay and his trying to be supportive...
At the moment I'm trying to figure out whether to tell them about tht rough shift I had with comments made on "you okay", "your so thin" etc.. and the upset it caused me.
Thank you, but not everyone understands this! And nor do I always get that clear cut instruction!
I could try saying that guess so.. just difficult because I'm often shut down so can't get words out!
His replied back saying I'm proud of you fir sending this abd expressing thoughts, sorry this happened and that he doesn't tyibk the intention was to upset me knowing the members of staff. He then saud it's because other managers know limited information otger than I have autism because ice asked for things to be confidential so therefore otger staff don't know how to support me. But isn't it common sense that uf someone looks unsettled and you knoe they have struggles that you'll check in with them privately not public. And how is a comment off "your so thin' out of random even justufied!
And like now my manager knows thr comments that wrre said I feel exposed even though I was the one that sent it.
His in tomorrow I think as well but still doesn't solve it 😕
Am I not good enough?, its hard because I want to go in do my best but I always feel a bit of lose end at times when I'm there as I need tome in main space to just regulate, without doing anything massive or front delivery work.
I've not passed probation, I'm on extension, so is that why she's just not booking me von shifts but if you don't book me in the less chanxes me passing probation,?? (Im freelance so you send availability and they then book those shifts in based on your availability , and until your not passed you get booked on all you give..
So... maybe they don't want me to pass? If I dont pas it in 3months then thry could use that to get rid of me which could be whst they want yrah - who wants a freelance autistic worker who needs adjustments in place? Woukdnt they rather hire another "normsl person " not thst ive brought anything special!
Im goung to attempt to go in tomorrow (Different day and campus to usual) seeing its the ladt 2 shes got me on for.... im still developing in front line delivery work or need things explaining to, clarifying..
I'll prob be unsettled going in..
How do you ask for a check in with your manager? As a general 121 briefing before you start, like how i am, plan for day - he used to do it before not now.. or will your make me look weak..
It really comes through how tangled this feels for you, almost like a no-win loop or a viscious circle? You said that you want to go work yet you're scared because when you're there you feel like an 'anxious wreck'. That sounds so hard and frightening too, and I really do hear your conflict and dilemma. It's such a push-pull inside you, wanting the work, wanting to prove yourself, but also feeling scared and very unsettled when you’re there. I can imagine that being really tiring to navigate.
You’re noticing the mixed signals too from your work colleagues because they’ve said they don’t need you for now, but on the rota it looks like maybe they do!? And in that gap, it makes sense your mind goes to that fear of Am I not good enough? That sounds like a painful thought to have. And I really hear how much you want to do your best, while getting opportunities to regulate at work too as you deserve.
Not having passed probation yet seems to add a heavy layer of pressure. You’re on an extension, and you’re wondering if fewer shifts means fewer chances to prove yourself and whether that’s deliberate. Again, that feels really hurtful to go through. You even questioned, whether this might be linked to you being autistic and needing adjustments, wondering if they’d rather just have someone “normal.” That worry about being unwanted or replaceable feels sharp and painful.
You’re still planning to go in tomorrow, even knowing you’ll probably feel unsettled. How did it go? It sounds really positive to be thinking about some of the things you might need, such as a check-in like you said, and a kind of one-to-one briefing at the start to ground you. You remember your manager used to do it, but you're worried that asking for that again could make you seem weak. It sounds like there’s a real tension between wanting support that helps you regulate and fearing that asking for it could be used against you. Is that right?
Can I ask, when you imagine having that short check-in at the start of a shift, what difference would it make for you, in your body, in your focus, in how you settle into the day?
And when you picture not asking, holding it in and trying to push through, what happens for you then?