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Can't win... don't want to go in yet cry when i don't
Invisible_me
Posts: 462 Listening Ear
in Work & Study
It's like I cabt win..
Let week when I didnt go work because i was ill I was crying that I wanted to try and go in, routine broke now when it comes to going in tomorrow I don't want to! The anxiety is draining me!
My managers in he'll be like how are you as soon as he sees me seeing he's not seen me for a while his been off,ill prob end up giving him that "go away look" which he thinks is my fustrated/overwhelmed look. And I don't want him to think I'm weak! If I need tone to regulate when I go into work after 1hr travel 2 buses, is that being weak?? Consider I work as a young people wellbeing mentor... so does this mean I'm weak?? How can I mentor others when i need regulate time?? Several have said that. His hinted at this as well but also says uts oksy and has been allowing me regulate time.
He'll also be on me for ticking off my probation targets which I know needs doing but like I know I'm going to fail, so dont set the point, its overwhelming or confusing to know how to ask team can you shoe me this? That?? or ill pass it but still won't be confident doing certain things independently.
Only thing I can think of is like 1 week he looked at it and said today focus on this this and get this person to show you, they're doing it now. Ahd like that helped because it was very clear to me! Telling me tick off probabatoon checklist is like "whst? How? When?" People don't understand when you have autism you need to know when to ask, how yo ask, whst to say, plan whst they'll respond, how they'll respond etc... and thst is so stressful so I just put it off!
Let week when I didnt go work because i was ill I was crying that I wanted to try and go in, routine broke now when it comes to going in tomorrow I don't want to! The anxiety is draining me!
My managers in he'll be like how are you as soon as he sees me seeing he's not seen me for a while his been off,ill prob end up giving him that "go away look" which he thinks is my fustrated/overwhelmed look. And I don't want him to think I'm weak! If I need tone to regulate when I go into work after 1hr travel 2 buses, is that being weak?? Consider I work as a young people wellbeing mentor... so does this mean I'm weak?? How can I mentor others when i need regulate time?? Several have said that. His hinted at this as well but also says uts oksy and has been allowing me regulate time.
He'll also be on me for ticking off my probation targets which I know needs doing but like I know I'm going to fail, so dont set the point, its overwhelming or confusing to know how to ask team can you shoe me this? That?? or ill pass it but still won't be confident doing certain things independently.
Only thing I can think of is like 1 week he looked at it and said today focus on this this and get this person to show you, they're doing it now. Ahd like that helped because it was very clear to me! Telling me tick off probabatoon checklist is like "whst? How? When?" People don't understand when you have autism you need to know when to ask, how yo ask, whst to say, plan whst they'll respond, how they'll respond etc... and thst is so stressful so I just put it off!
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Comments
It really does sound so draining, what you describe - those conflicting feelings and the anxiety it creates. I hear you, and you're doing so well to talk about this.
It sounds hard for your routine to have broken when you were sick and couldn't go into work - I know you've been working so hard to feel comfortable in your work place and to collaborate with your management to find systems that feel supportive to. You've been putting a lot of dedication into this, and it sounds really tough to feel that getting disrupted.
You said that you're worried that other people might think you're 'weak' for needing some time to regulate at work - is that right? That sounds difficult, @Invisible_me - that fear of judgement maybe. What do you think? Do you feel it makes you weak at all? From my perspective, it is very, very valid that you might need some time to regulate yourself when you're at work (especially after your long commute there), and in fact, it feels really positive that you are acknowledging your own needs and that you know what you need to feel more regulated and comfortable!
I see what you're saying, and just how much extra thought, consideration, and planning goes into asking a question like that. That sounds really tiring and a lot of pressure too.
We're here for you and we're listening if you'd like to explore this more!
It was okay thurs, struggled at firt, went out, came back in worse went out. My manager was in but late and he wasn't the lead so hecasked me hoe I was, gave no response so he left it. Then 5mins later just said I'm completing work upstairs but message me if you need me. After I settled I enjoyed it.
The routine break was very difficult yes especially when things are getting slightly better than before. It's mad me realise I want to stay!
He phoned me yesterday. He said he noticed I was shut down and he praised me for going out when I need to whicg was good to hear, like I thought it makes you a weakling. I feel this say because of the nautr of Role I'm doing that, -, supporting other people when I need support myself! Didn't voice this to him.
He also asked how things while he c was on leave. I spoke to him the same as did to service manager on 1 lead manager shouting across table if okay rather than coming it to me when I'm clearly unsettled. I ended up disclosinng who an be said ,", by what I know that person is very supportive, butb if i noticethings like thisir anythingthat upsets me v then to have a chat with him: I coulnt tell him.though how that lead ended up repeated asking, ' you okay " in public, " you relaxing therre" no I was working, " oh you cool in those clothes and your thin aren't you, " and hoe this made me want to leave and I walked off. He gathered I was hiding something so he asked if there was anything else, and again. Should I have??
most if not all people would be overwhelmed after that community. It’s not a bad thing it helps you manage.
Your job is hard, and you care about doing it well. It’s just harder when things aren’t clear. Being autistic means you need more guidance, and that’s okay. When your manager clearly told you what to do and who to ask, it helped — that’s the kind of support you need more often. If he asks how you are, it’s fine to just say, “Bit anxious, just settling in.” You don’t have to explain everything. You’re doing your best, and that matters.
I guess on Friday my manager praised me for taking time out when I needed it, which was reassuring to hear.
His okay and his trying to be supportive...
At the moment I'm trying to figure out whether to tell them about tht rough shift I had with comments made on "you okay", "your so thin" etc.. and the upset it caused me.
Thank you, but not everyone understands this! And nor do I always get that clear cut instruction!
I could try saying that guess so.. just difficult because I'm often shut down so can't get words out!
His replied back saying I'm proud of you fir sending this abd expressing thoughts, sorry this happened and that he doesn't tyibk the intention was to upset me knowing the members of staff. He then saud it's because other managers know limited information otger than I have autism because ice asked for things to be confidential so therefore otger staff don't know how to support me. But isn't it common sense that uf someone looks unsettled and you knoe they have struggles that you'll check in with them privately not public. And how is a comment off "your so thin' out of random even justufied!
And like now my manager knows thr comments that wrre said I feel exposed even though I was the one that sent it.
His in tomorrow I think as well but still doesn't solve it 😕