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TW// child abuse vent!!!
River
Community Connector Posts: 4,525 The Mix Elder
I don’t hate you, I hate you for the way you carted me off to the side like I was nothing, for the reasons why you couldn’t be a mother. You raised me with scars and trauma till you lost your fight, you were denied custody and forced to hand over your rights. You hurt me even when I told and explained my pain to you. 15 years later you wanted to be a mom or did you because that quickly changed, you don’t want a hurt, bruised and damaged daughter, you said it yourself I’m the “problematic child”
You was meant to be my mom, you were just my abuser, you were meant to be my mom but you showed me everything except love and care…you said I’m ruining my life yet you don’t see it, you caused the CPTSD, you caused the self hatred I have for myself, you hung the endless heavy burdening cloud above myself: so no I didn’t ruin my life, you ruined it when I was 3, when you was incapable of loving children but kept popping them out every year for 8 years, you didn’t think about us!
Where was the food, where was the clothes, where was the toys and love, WHERE WERE YOU. You can keep saying you were a shit mom but you still are, you haven’t changed, changing is accepting the truth, changing is realising you did more damage than you realise, changing is owning up to your mistakes, not hiding behind a lie saying social services kidnapped us…they didn’t you just abandoned us
You broke a 3 year old heart, you broke the heart of a confused toddler, you broke the heart of a toddler that got sent to an abusive foster home, you were my first heart break at age 3. You were so incapable of loving me that I was so underdeveloped that I had to be separated from my siblings, you didn’t nurture me, I couldn’t speak till I was 5 because you didn’t teach me! Least you taught me one thing…to not end up like you
You act like you’re my mum yet where were you the past 15 years? You were never here, you fucked off and let others do the work, you fucked off to come back just to brag about your grown up daughter which behind close doors you hate. You misunderstand what I’m really like, you abandoned me again for my sister because you know I know the truth, you know I can’t be brainwashed by your lies.
Your not my mum, your not my family, you gave birth to me and chose to fuck off instead of accepting responsibility, your nothing to me just like you see me as nothing to you.
You was meant to be my mom, you were just my abuser, you were meant to be my mom but you showed me everything except love and care…you said I’m ruining my life yet you don’t see it, you caused the CPTSD, you caused the self hatred I have for myself, you hung the endless heavy burdening cloud above myself: so no I didn’t ruin my life, you ruined it when I was 3, when you was incapable of loving children but kept popping them out every year for 8 years, you didn’t think about us!
Where was the food, where was the clothes, where was the toys and love, WHERE WERE YOU. You can keep saying you were a shit mom but you still are, you haven’t changed, changing is accepting the truth, changing is realising you did more damage than you realise, changing is owning up to your mistakes, not hiding behind a lie saying social services kidnapped us…they didn’t you just abandoned us
You broke a 3 year old heart, you broke the heart of a confused toddler, you broke the heart of a toddler that got sent to an abusive foster home, you were my first heart break at age 3. You were so incapable of loving me that I was so underdeveloped that I had to be separated from my siblings, you didn’t nurture me, I couldn’t speak till I was 5 because you didn’t teach me! Least you taught me one thing…to not end up like you
You act like you’re my mum yet where were you the past 15 years? You were never here, you fucked off and let others do the work, you fucked off to come back just to brag about your grown up daughter which behind close doors you hate. You misunderstand what I’m really like, you abandoned me again for my sister because you know I know the truth, you know I can’t be brainwashed by your lies.
Your not my mum, your not my family, you gave birth to me and chose to fuck off instead of accepting responsibility, your nothing to me just like you see me as nothing to you.
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
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Comments
i’ve just read your message, and i want you to know i hear you. every word, every painful truth you shared, it matters. i’m so sorry you had to live through that. no child should ever have to carry those kinds of scars, and yet you’ve had to carry them for so long.
you didn’t deserve any of it - not the neglect, not the abuse, not the abandonment. none of it was your fault. you were just a child who needed love, protection, and care, and you were failed in the worst way by the person who was supposed to give you those things.
i don’t have the words to change what happened, but i can tell you this:
- you are not alone anymore
- you are so strong for surviving
- you are valid for being angry
- you are allowed to feel every bit of what you’re feeling
-you are not the “problematic child”
you are someone who was deeply hurt and still found a way to speak up - that takes courage.
we are all so so proud of you river
As Shannon has said, no one ever had a right to treat you that way. And it sounds like reconnecting with your mum has been a very complex and difficult experience, especially when there has been no change in her behaviour. That sounds so disappointing, and I hear how this has left you having to reconcile with so much from your childhood too.
How did it feel to write these words, River?