If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. For Crisis Support (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Check out our Men's Mental Health Support Chat every Monday 8pm-9:30pm in partnership with the JD Foundation. It's an inclusive space to talk about anxiety, stress, and anything affecting young men under 25.
Click here for more info!
Click here for more info!
Options
Got nothing left to give
River
Community Connector Posts: 4,466 Community Veteran
I’m just tired, tired of trying and not getting anywhere, I’m tired of surviving and feeling like I’m constantly going a miss, I’ve been invisible my whole life and it’s just draining, people have there own corners that they stand in within places and family, in everything, I’m just the outcast, I get overlooked a lot because I’m quiet, I don’t make a peep half the time because if I do it’s a problem. Who am i, once i turned 11 i changed as a person, i dont recognise the little toddler i once was. Everyone gave up on me once i became to hard to understand, i put my trust in people too easily and then they leave they always do, all it does is shatter my heart a thousand times over. I wish i was born a baby that somebody wanted but i guess i was never meant to be loved or cared for, i was always meant to be lost in a cold world. Im sensitive, im weird, im like a poison to everyone who comes near. You know the only thing i ever wanted in life was a real “i love you” not in a relationship way but in a way that someone cares but ive never heared it, i guess that just says it all. I’m everyone’s last priority, never an option in peoples lives just someone that feels like they are in this world stuck in a cave with an unbreakable peace of glass preventing me from living.
My life consists of waiting, i wait for the day that i finally understand the world im in, i wait for the day that someone doesn’t leave, i wait for the day where i feel love and safety, ive been waiting since i was 5 and nothing has ever changed, its just at the point where i got to accept that ill never find my peace, my world. I put my trust in so many people just to constantly be greeted with goodbyes, abuse and let down, every corner i turn it’s a repeat.
I just quit, I’m to tired to care, I’m okay with just knowing to not trust people to not put my trust in those who act like they have a good heart because everyone shows there true selves. I’m okay living as a villain in this world because I gave my all and still all i get is negative consequences, i look after people but nothing changes. I’m okay with accepting that ill never be happy, healthy and safe, im okay with it…im okay….i am…i swear…
I failed in everything, i failed at being lovable, i failed at succeeding, i failed at being a daughter, a sibling, I completely failed but im tired of this world, im tired, my heart aches 💔
Nothing helps anymore, I feel silent even when I want to scream. I don’t want to die, I never did, all I did was long for this pain to go, for my heart to not feel like each peice of string is breaking every minute, people says there’s always low days and that we can come back from it all but I can’t come back from it all because I am the low, it’s not the days, it’s me, I’m the problem in this cruel world, I deserved every cruel thing, I deserved everything, I got what I deserved. Since I was 11 all I’ve ever done is punish myself, all I’ve ever done is beat myself up over things.
I’m genuinely so so sorry that people had to meet me, I’m sorry I’ve never been good enough, I’m sorry that people have had to put up with me, I hate me, I hate me so much, I HATE ME 😭
I observe, done that since I was younger, I wasn’t smart academically but I knew everything about everyone when I didn’t even speak to them, I knew every cleaning advert off by heart by the time I was 13, was always on my own a lot so maybe that how I always passed time. I don’t like attention but I don’t like being lonely, I like being noticed but not to much. I want to be loved but I don’t know what that is, I want a family but I don’t know what that is. I get forgotten all the time, the very last thing people think about, or at all. I’m a disappointment
When I was angry I was silent, when I was sad I was silent, when I was anxious I was silent, when I was happy I was nothing, I’ve never been happy. I grew up thinking everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here, if I didn’t exist. Little me just wanted to be saved, she never was, she’s just lost now, I am lost!
My life consists of waiting, i wait for the day that i finally understand the world im in, i wait for the day that someone doesn’t leave, i wait for the day where i feel love and safety, ive been waiting since i was 5 and nothing has ever changed, its just at the point where i got to accept that ill never find my peace, my world. I put my trust in so many people just to constantly be greeted with goodbyes, abuse and let down, every corner i turn it’s a repeat.
I just quit, I’m to tired to care, I’m okay with just knowing to not trust people to not put my trust in those who act like they have a good heart because everyone shows there true selves. I’m okay living as a villain in this world because I gave my all and still all i get is negative consequences, i look after people but nothing changes. I’m okay with accepting that ill never be happy, healthy and safe, im okay with it…im okay….i am…i swear…
I failed in everything, i failed at being lovable, i failed at succeeding, i failed at being a daughter, a sibling, I completely failed but im tired of this world, im tired, my heart aches 💔
Nothing helps anymore, I feel silent even when I want to scream. I don’t want to die, I never did, all I did was long for this pain to go, for my heart to not feel like each peice of string is breaking every minute, people says there’s always low days and that we can come back from it all but I can’t come back from it all because I am the low, it’s not the days, it’s me, I’m the problem in this cruel world, I deserved every cruel thing, I deserved everything, I got what I deserved. Since I was 11 all I’ve ever done is punish myself, all I’ve ever done is beat myself up over things.
I’m genuinely so so sorry that people had to meet me, I’m sorry I’ve never been good enough, I’m sorry that people have had to put up with me, I hate me, I hate me so much, I HATE ME 😭
I observe, done that since I was younger, I wasn’t smart academically but I knew everything about everyone when I didn’t even speak to them, I knew every cleaning advert off by heart by the time I was 13, was always on my own a lot so maybe that how I always passed time. I don’t like attention but I don’t like being lonely, I like being noticed but not to much. I want to be loved but I don’t know what that is, I want a family but I don’t know what that is. I get forgotten all the time, the very last thing people think about, or at all. I’m a disappointment
When I was angry I was silent, when I was sad I was silent, when I was anxious I was silent, when I was happy I was nothing, I’ve never been happy. I grew up thinking everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here, if I didn’t exist. Little me just wanted to be saved, she never was, she’s just lost now, I am lost!
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
6
Comments
First things first, you never failed at being a daughter. Your shit for brains mom and dad failed at being parents. Like my uncle failed at being an uncle when he sold me. Nobody at that age is responsible for the actions and failures of their parents. You did not fail at being a daughter at all. Who looks at a baby and thinks this isn't lovable. A monster. Nothing you did caused your parents to be scum. You did not fail at being a sibling either. The splitting up into foster care was not your doing or your fault, it was the systems. You can do everything right and still end up failed by the world.
Second of all, River, meeting you and you being the first friend of my life mattered so much to me, and i am so lucky to consider you my friend. You are good enough, the world is just shit, and people who are good enough are failed all the time. It doesn't mean your not good enough, it means the world and the system are a fucking disgrace.
Third of all, that silence. That's not just silence river, that sounds like exhaustion. Emotional numbness. And that is perhaps why it's so hard to understand how you feel sometimes.
Fourth, No baby is born that deserves to be unwanted. Not a single one. Every single one deserves to be loved and cared for. You included. It was just a cruel cold world, and it took so much away and never gave you what you deserve. You deserve more, a loving family, friends, and support, nothing changes that.
Fifth, NEVER apologise for any of that. You are enough, meeting you and calling you my friend has meant so much to me, and i'd be in a worse place if i hadn't met you, so there's one bit of proof that you are wrong about you being those things.
Six, you are not the problem. You don't deserve any of the shit you've suffered through, you deserve care and love, and that is a fact. And one day, you'll find it.
River, i know you are tired, and you are lost, and it is perfectly valid to feel that. And i know that you long for a loving family, and loyal friends and to be loved. And i know that at this point, words might not make any difference, but you deserve all these things you long for. You are not destined to be alone in this cold dark world. You are not poison and there is ZERO things wrong with being a bit weird. Who wants to be normal in this shit world right? And there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. You are not a villain, you are not a bad person, you are a kind hearted person despite all of this, and that is what is special about you.
You never deserved a damn thing that happened to you. A puppy in an animal shelter that gets treated cruelly at every turn, at every home, at every place, that puppy doesn't deserve a damn moment of it, and neither do you. You are no disappointment, and there is always a chance you will find that happiness in future River. You will find safety and you will find a loving family. You just have to survive until that. The hopelessness is perfectly valid. You did not fail at anything, the world failed you.
"Everyone gave up on me once i became to hard to understand, i put my trust in people too easily and then they leave they always do, all it does is shatter my heart a thousand times over" - That is there failings not yours.
"I’m okay with accepting that ill never be happy, healthy and safe, im okay with it…im okay….i am…i swear…" - You shouldn't have to be
"Who am i, once i turned 11 i changed as a person, i dont recognise the little toddler i once was" - That part of you still exists deep down, just buried i think. There's a psychology term for it, "inner child subconscious mind". It exists, just buried from years of trauma.
I'm so sorry your battling all of this, and i understand you being so tired and exhausted, and in emotional pain. I know nothing i say can make it better from personal experience but please listen to some of this. You are an amazing person, who's been through and is still going through hell. And i don't know for how long, but i do know there's still hope of change. I wish i could say something to make things better. Please be kind to yourself. And this will sound like useless advice but survival for me, was finding small moment of enjoyment out of the small stuff, rather than the big picture. A few moments doing a hobby, a few moments here and there. I relied on that. i know it's useless advice, but it's all i can say from my own experience, until things slowly started to improve. Sending a massive virtual hug friend, and i'm sorry i was so late replying.
@River I'm sorry i couldn't respond earlier to it friend