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TW / Probably a suicidal vent 🥸

RiverRiver Community Connector Posts: 4,515 The Mix Elder
edited June 10 in Health & Wellbeing
I’m sick of living in a world where everything stays crap and there’s just darkness everywhere. I’m barely eating, I’m barely sleeping, I’m constantly thinking of self harm which is strange because who knew just last month I was healing…Everytime I try express how I feel there’s a knot in my throat that stays there until I give up on the idea of support. How do you heal when the pain comes from your mind and those around you. I relapsed I tried to put it off did I succeed nope I did not, I’m not in college tomorrow and as much as I would message Janis tomorrow to tell her quite frankly it will happen on Tuesday night to so I might as well wait till Wednesday when I can go to her office.

I would vent more but trust me I’d have every emergency service in the country at my door :lol: so best keep them feelings locked away
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
Post edited by Katie on

Comments

  • DonnerKebabDonnerKebab Posts: 1,427 Wise Owl
    @River healing is never straight forward. Depression and suicidal thoughts are never like a one off healing event like a broken bone. It's a constantly battle in your mind, where the aim is to take two steps forward and you'll get knocked one step back, and end up still 1 step ahead of how your were before. Bit by bit. Sometimes, we'll take 10 steps forward, heal a bit, and then we'll get knocked 20 steps back. it's never straightforward, and it's never simple. You can heal one month, and then decline the next. It's quiet common actually for depression.

    A world where everything stays crap, that's been my life all over too. Sorry to tie this a bit to my own story, but it's just so you know where i'm coming from with this and i have some experience, not the same but about rock bottom. So I hit rock bottom at 19. It was brutal for me. And when nothing ever went well for me over my life, i thought it was impossible for things to go right for me. That nothing could help. And i did commit one act of self harm at 19 because i didn't think it was possible for things to get better. But, it did. Not my exact circumstances, but how I saw life. It stopped being the bigger picture and it was the small things that i looked to that were all that gave me small respites of happiness. Can i ask you something and you don't have to answer if you don't want to? The self harming urges. Is it because you don't see things getting better, or because you don't want to suffer on anymore with things? Sorry for being quite straightforward and brutal with the question.

    And the struggle to be open, i'm going to be honest, i don't know how to fully overcome it with everything myself so i can't comment. But you've tried to reach out to helplines which means your braver than me and your trying which is what counts. As for the pain coming from those around you, it may be best to consider cutting them off if they are causing you to much pain that it becomes too hard to handle. Now, for the pain also coming from your own mind, i assume your referring to the feeling of self blame, or depressive thoughts, or the self harming thoughts. That's a harder one to overcome. It took me years to get over my self blaming streak, and if i'm honest, it's going to be hard to do so. There's no simple answer to that, but there are ways to ease it, and possibly end those feelings.

    And can i tell you this. You fought not to relapse. That is what is special. Sure, you did relapse, but you tried your hardest not to and you should be very proud of trying your best River. I'm very proud of you for it.

    You are a very special person River, with a very kind heart, and amazing talent for art, and have went through so much hell, yet still come out a kind and good soul. That's what's so special about you. Things are hard now. And they seem hopeless i imagine, which is what rock bottom was for me, but it isn't the end of the road. It does get manageable, and slowly gets a bit better over time. That's my experience with it anyway, but everybody is different.

    Sorry if this sounds like rambling or doesn't make sense, or doesn't cover anything btw.
  • AnimalloverbAnimalloverb Posts: 35 Boards Initiate
    @River

    I am so sorry that your going through this, it is a very difficult thing to be going through. The world can be a really horrible place at times, but on here we are here for you.
    Healing isn't a straight line river, its more like a wave, where things can start to get a bit better but then something comes and crashes you back down. The journey of healing is a very difficult journey river and it totally looks different for everyone.
    It can be hard to be unable to talk about things. It must feel awful to have that feeling when you try to talk about things.

    I am also sorry that there are people around you who are making your healing journey a lot harder for you. It can be really difficult when some of the pain is caused by others who are around you.

    It's okay to relapse. You tried your best but in that moment it was what your body so desperately felt like it needed. These things happen and its okay. Your so strong for trying to not relapse. Relapsing just shows how much pain your brain is actually feeling right now.
    Your so strong and brave river and all of us here are here to listen and support you as best as we can.
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