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Argument with my bf

user123user123 Posts: 32 Boards Initiate
in Sex & Relationships
My bf encourages me to call other men attractive and says he likes to hear it but I’m not sure how I would feel if he said this about a woman. He is saying it’s a double standard. I don’t know if this is appropriate in a relationship or how I feel.

Comments

  • shannon_164shannon_164 Community Connector Posts: 1,955 Extreme Poster
    hey @user123 🙂

    that’s a really valid thing to feel unsure about, relationships can get complicated when it comes to boundaries like this. it’s good that your boyfriend is open about what he’s comfortable with, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way or ignore how it makes you feel.

    you’re not wrong for feeling weird about the idea of him saying the same thing about other women. i don’t think it is necessarily a double standard, it’s just different people having different comfort zones. what matters is that both of you feel respected and safe emotionally!

    maybe it could help to talk it through with him honestly, not in a confrontational way, but just to explain that you’re still figuring out how you feel about it? you’re allowed to set boundaries, even if he’s ok with things you’re not. mutual respect is way more important than doing things “equally” if one side feels uncomfortable.

    at the end of the day, a healthy relationship means being able to say, “hey, I’m not sure how i feel about this,” and being heard, without pressure or guilt. you are so deserving of that!

    i hope you’re ok <3
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,388 Wise Owl
    edited May 30
    Hey @user123 , thanks so much for making this post and for sharing how you're feeling. I'd like to echo what Shannon has shared here - that your feelings about this are entirely valid and you're allowed to have your own boundaries when it comes to what you do or do not feel comfortable with in your relationship.

    Have you felt able to share about this with anyone else in your life? How do you feel more generally in your relationship with him?

    I will share below some further resources if helpful:
    Is This Ok? Is an organisation that supports young people with anything you are worrying about or finding difficult covering a wide range of topics. Is This Ok? use a chat-bot as an easy way of identifying the support you need. The chat-bot will be able to give you advice and information 24/7. You will then have the option to be transferred through to a trained chat advisor who will be able to listen and provide non-judgemental support. Their specialist advisers are available to chat to from 2:30pm-9:30pm Monday to Thursday and 4pm-11pm Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They are a completely anonymous service and won't ask you for any personal information. They are a service mainly for 13-18 year olds, but if you are slightly older than this and present an issue that they can support with, they will try and help. Their website is https://www.isthisok.org.uk/

    There is an organisation called Click which offers articles, relationship forums, and quizzes on a range of relationship issues. They can offer support for making it work, sex, lies & trust, big changes, breakups, personal struggles, parenting together, and parenting apart. You can get peer support from others by sharing questions and stories with their community. For more information you can check out their website https://click.clickrelationships.org/home/all-issues/

    https://www.themix.org.uk/explore-our-topics/sex-and-relationships/how-to-talk-with-your-boyfriend-girlfriend-or-partner/

    We're here for you as a Community to listen and support you.
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