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Why I’m me I guess?
River
Community Connector Posts: 4,515 The Mix Elder
I just live in a world where I’ve always been this curse and been shown that I am a monster that causes bad things maybe that’s why I spiral in silence and close my feelings off to prevent people from knowing who they really are speaking with, I find it so easy to put on this front and act like nothing bothers me when most of the time I’m just hiding behind this tough wall so no one has to even attempt to care.
I know people care but I also don’t trust care, anything that is meant to be a positive mood or emotion I just can’t trust at all, I don’t know how to. My life has always been flipped good things mean bad things will happen and bad things are just my norm, it’s my normal and no one can change that
I’m on the wait list for CAT and I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD but no one actually understands the reality of it and the consequences of living with it day to day. It’s not just multiple bad events it’s just a bad life to be honest
When professionals learn my story there jaw drops and they don’t expect for me to come out with all that happened to me but I suppose that’s why I’m reserved from the world, I learnt that talking is wrong, that taking up space and attention is bad. I stopped expecting love when I was 11 that went out the window, I’ve never even known what love is or anything, kindness is an uncomfortable feelings because I’m so used to people slagging me off, compliments make me feel uneasy because I’m so used to people telling me that I look like a chubby pig or when people used to walk near me and go “mooo” and then laugh
I try, I try to be who I’m expected to be and what people want me to be so that’s why I put on a fake front.
I know people care but I also don’t trust care, anything that is meant to be a positive mood or emotion I just can’t trust at all, I don’t know how to. My life has always been flipped good things mean bad things will happen and bad things are just my norm, it’s my normal and no one can change that
I’m on the wait list for CAT and I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD but no one actually understands the reality of it and the consequences of living with it day to day. It’s not just multiple bad events it’s just a bad life to be honest
When professionals learn my story there jaw drops and they don’t expect for me to come out with all that happened to me but I suppose that’s why I’m reserved from the world, I learnt that talking is wrong, that taking up space and attention is bad. I stopped expecting love when I was 11 that went out the window, I’ve never even known what love is or anything, kindness is an uncomfortable feelings because I’m so used to people slagging me off, compliments make me feel uneasy because I’m so used to people telling me that I look like a chubby pig or when people used to walk near me and go “mooo” and then laugh
I try, I try to be who I’m expected to be and what people want me to be so that’s why I put on a fake front.
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
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Comments
thank you for opening up to us like this. although i can’t understand the weight you’re carrying, i want you to know i hear you. what you’ve been through is unimaginable, and it makes complete sense that you’ve built these walls to protect yourself. no one should ever have to grow up learning that love is something they’re not allowed to expect. that’s not your fault, and it never was.
what you said about not trusting care or kindness really hit me. it must be exhausting, constantly navigating a world that taught you those things come with strings attached or pain. i can see how brave it is just to keep going, even if you feel like you’re hiding behind a front. that “mask” you wear? it’s not weakness, it’s survival, but you don’t always have to survive around us - you don’t have to pretend here!
i know words can only do so much, but please don’t forget that i do care — not out of pity, but because i see the strength it takes for you to share your truth. you’ve been through hell and yet you’re still trying. that says everything about your character, not the names or insults people threw at you.
you don’t have to be who people expect. you don’t have to “perform” to deserve love or respect. the real you, underneath all the layers built for protection, is still worthy, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. i hope that little by little, as you go through therapy and beyond, you’ll start to feel safer being seen.
i’m so proud of you