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my life sucks (tw)
eylah
Posts: 7,362 Master Poster
havent posted on here in a few weeks but thats bc i feel like all i do is bother ppl and that my issues arent bad enough for me to constantly post on here but everything is seeming to becoming worse in past few weeks. just need to get everything off my chest in the past few weeks.
found out im needing surgery and its bothering me a lot bc of past events. mum became more unwell after having her surgery so its playing on my mind bc mum isn’t here anymore. i know it sounds silly bc ppl might not understand but im just scared bc i have a pre - op date for end of june and im just very scared bc of it. i wish i had someone who could come with me for this surgery but i dont have anyone bc of my dad i cant see him bc of safety reasons. my sister nowadays doesn’t care abt me and just sticks with her bf and i dont have anyone else. i just need to grow up and get over this
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i have been struggling with seeing cmht recently and bc of things that have happened cmht are discharging me so im on my own now. i have never been supported by cmht since turning 18 and its rly upset me that i am on my own now. they are wanting to force me into therapy i thought would be beneficial but now i just have figured out its their way of shoving me into things to make it easy for them. theyre discharging me bc i have said no to wanting to do therapy anymore and its a load of shit bc they can’t expect me to agree to shit i don’t think will be beneficial. ppl might see me as being selfish and shit bc i’ve said no but that’s bc i rly do not think what they’re wanting me to do will be any help to me. i just wish ppl gave a shit abt me. my heart hurts.
i have recently gotten into a new relationship and i just trust no one. i love him but idk its me that is the issue. i find it hard bc of my previous exes i am finding it rly hard to express my needs to him. idk what im finding so hard in this relationship but i think it’s just a mixture of trust issues and scared hes just using me.. i just want to be loved. idk why it’s so hard 
im almost a month free from sh and thats the biggest achievement ive had. but atm its creeping up on me and its becoming so hard to not ruin that. i want to be happy but im not and im just needing someone to care abt me and give a shit and i am not wanting to ruin the big achievement but its so hard. im safe i spoke to shout earlier and they was rly helpful and i feel better from it but im just tired.
i just want to be okay. why is it so hard i fucking give up. *safe*
found out im needing surgery and its bothering me a lot bc of past events. mum became more unwell after having her surgery so its playing on my mind bc mum isn’t here anymore. i know it sounds silly bc ppl might not understand but im just scared bc i have a pre - op date for end of june and im just very scared bc of it. i wish i had someone who could come with me for this surgery but i dont have anyone bc of my dad i cant see him bc of safety reasons. my sister nowadays doesn’t care abt me and just sticks with her bf and i dont have anyone else. i just need to grow up and get over this
.i have been struggling with seeing cmht recently and bc of things that have happened cmht are discharging me so im on my own now. i have never been supported by cmht since turning 18 and its rly upset me that i am on my own now. they are wanting to force me into therapy i thought would be beneficial but now i just have figured out its their way of shoving me into things to make it easy for them. theyre discharging me bc i have said no to wanting to do therapy anymore and its a load of shit bc they can’t expect me to agree to shit i don’t think will be beneficial. ppl might see me as being selfish and shit bc i’ve said no but that’s bc i rly do not think what they’re wanting me to do will be any help to me. i just wish ppl gave a shit abt me. my heart hurts.
i have recently gotten into a new relationship and i just trust no one. i love him but idk its me that is the issue. i find it hard bc of my previous exes i am finding it rly hard to express my needs to him. idk what im finding so hard in this relationship but i think it’s just a mixture of trust issues and scared hes just using me.
. i just want to be loved. idk why it’s so hard im almost a month free from sh and thats the biggest achievement ive had. but atm its creeping up on me and its becoming so hard to not ruin that. i want to be happy but im not and im just needing someone to care abt me and give a shit and i am not wanting to ruin the big achievement but its so hard. im safe i spoke to shout earlier and they was rly helpful and i feel better from it but im just tired.
i just want to be okay. why is it so hard
i fucking give up. *safe* ppl dont always need advice. sometimes all they rly need is a hand to hold. an ear to listen. and a heart to understand them. 🧸
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Comments
thank you for being brave enough to open up and share all of that. i’m really sorry you’re going through so much right now. you’ve got every right to feel overwhelmed, none of what you’ve said is “silly” or “not bad enough” - it matters, and you matter so much!
needing surgery, especially after what happened with your mum, sounds scary. that kind of fear is totally valid, it’s not about just “growing up and getting over it”, it’s about having space to feel supported and not alone in something really difficult. i’m sorry you don’t have the family support you need, that’s not your fault, and you deserve better.
as for cmht, it’s honestly not fair how they’ve treated you. support shouldn’t be conditional, and it sucks they’re pushing therapy like that without really listening to what you need. saying no to something that doesn’t feel right for you isn’t selfish, it’s being self-aware, and it takes strength to say no, even when it’s hard.
about your relationship, it’s completely normal to struggle with trust after being hurt before. that doesn’t make you the issue. you’re just trying to protect yourself while also wanting to be close to someone, that’s a really hard balance, but it doesn’t mean you’re broken. wanting to be loved isn’t a weakness, it’s human!
the fact that you’re almost a month free from sh, that’s honestly huge. i know it might not feel like much right now, especially when things feel so dark, but please don’t let that achievement go unnoticed. you’ve already done something so strong. one day at a time, that’s all you need to focus on! i’m really glad you reached out to shout too -that shows courage.
you don’t have to give up - you’re allowed to be tired, you’re allowed to be struggling but you don’t have to go through it alone. even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, people do care about you - i care about you!
you’re not a burden, you are a person going through a lot, and you’re doing your best - that is more than enough.
i’m forever proud of you eylah
i appreciate you so much
Thank you for sharing the news with us that you are soon to have an operation. You mentioned that you feel very scared for your pre-op, esspecially because you are needing to attend it alone, and because it's bringing back painful memories too of your mum and how her health declined after an operation. That really does sound so hard, Eylah, and while I hear you saying you feel like you need to 'get over' it or 'grow up', I really can see and empathise with just how daunting and maybe even triggering the idea of the operation is. It sounds like a really vulnerable process, and undergoing an operation can sometimes feel like letting go of control, or putting the control into the doctor's hands. You're allowed to feel exactly as you do, and we're here to support you without judgement. What feels most nerve-wracking right now about the pre-op? And is there anything you can think of that might feel grounding or familiar during the appointment to provide you with some reassurance on the day?
You also mentioned that you are no longer seeing cmht after they discharged you because you did not wish to engage with therapy. That sounds deeply frustrating, Eylah, and I hear you when you say that therapy truly didn't feel like the right path for you at this time and you wanted to honour that. Might there have been a different kind of support that you had wished cmht had offered you? For example, perhaps more practical help, or community-based support?
I can hear just how conflicting things feel in your new relationship too - on the one hand, you really just want to be loved and to let that love in, but on the other hand, it feels really hard and perhaps scary to trust him. And in ways, everything piling up like this is leading to sh urges again. That's so valid Eylah, esspecially when we've been hurt in the past. Sometimes nothing feels more vulnerable than getting close to people. You said you find it really hard in particular to express your needs to him. Would it feel helpful to share here what one of those needs might be? Maybe we could have a think together about how you could express this? You deserve to be listened to with kindness and understanding.
With care