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TW ~whole post) Why can’t I just accept that I’m not ok
Rose113
Community Connector Posts: 3,526 Community Veteran
TW// heavy vent and suicide reference!!!!
I tried to make out in circle that I’d be okay tonight so no one had to worry or waste time on me but honestly I’m here just sobbing on my floor blasting sad songs. Suicide is wrong but I’m just genuinely feeling so low tonight after bottling things up for so long and then early I completely exploded yet I still hid the truth truth from everyone. No one gets how hard it is to keep up to peoples expectations. People rely on me to much that I’m not allowed to feel low or broken, I just have to put up this front but it’s so painful. I just want the world to swallow me up already 🥺 just thinking about things a thousand miles per hour lately but I can’t tell anyone what it’s about because I’m expected to move on but I can’t when it’s carved into my brain 💔
Someone told me it’s okay to not be okay but in my life it’s not okay to be not okay and I can’t admit that I’m not okay and I know this Post proves that I’m not okay but I’ll never be able to accept the truth, have to just deny it to get through it, can’t acknowledge it at all because that leads to the evil inside me coming out. Why else would people leave and abuse me and neglect me…
I help others because deep down I know no one can help me and no one will truly care, everyone has to listen to someone weather they like it or not so least I can be that person and then maybe it with deplete the fact that I’m just broken and can’t be fixed, I’ve already fucked my body up because of neglecting myself but why should I look after myself when no one looks after me and then everyone gets angry saying to start looking after myself when I fucking can’t! My own mother couldn’t look after me so why should I look after me…foster carers couldn’t look after me without abusing me to the point I have a fear of showers/baths etc…my own “mother” can’t even look after me now even though she missed the past 16 years of my life 💔
I don’t want to be here yet suicide is selfish and wrong and I learnt from that mistake when I was 15, now everyday I wish that something life threatening would happen to me…never does! Every birthday I blow out candles and wish for it to be the last year…that started when I was 11. People die when they don’t want to die so why can’t it be fair?
People think I have it easy because I smile and take care of others first but nope behind the smile is a girl that is having to survive and fight silent battles to escape the truth when Infact she wishes she had someone she could just scream to about everything that she is dealing with…
I just want to be numb like cancel my feelings and let me feel nothing please! Brain wash me or take my brain out! Reverse the past and all the crap and hurt that I’ve had from people.
I just want the pain to go away, that’s all I ever wanted yet life just doesn’t get better trust me I know from experience, 11 year old me is just stuck as an 18 year old in pain knowing that one day it will be my time to go but until then survive and thrive and fake it till I make it 🙃 tired myself out writing this and now I’m struggling to stay awake so off to bed I go and hopefully things won’t feel as bad tomorrow.
I’m safe and maybe I’ll be fine tmr just a low night I guess so don’t waste your time on me, trust me I ain’t worth it
Night 💕
I tried to make out in circle that I’d be okay tonight so no one had to worry or waste time on me but honestly I’m here just sobbing on my floor blasting sad songs. Suicide is wrong but I’m just genuinely feeling so low tonight after bottling things up for so long and then early I completely exploded yet I still hid the truth truth from everyone. No one gets how hard it is to keep up to peoples expectations. People rely on me to much that I’m not allowed to feel low or broken, I just have to put up this front but it’s so painful. I just want the world to swallow me up already 🥺 just thinking about things a thousand miles per hour lately but I can’t tell anyone what it’s about because I’m expected to move on but I can’t when it’s carved into my brain 💔
Someone told me it’s okay to not be okay but in my life it’s not okay to be not okay and I can’t admit that I’m not okay and I know this Post proves that I’m not okay but I’ll never be able to accept the truth, have to just deny it to get through it, can’t acknowledge it at all because that leads to the evil inside me coming out. Why else would people leave and abuse me and neglect me…
I help others because deep down I know no one can help me and no one will truly care, everyone has to listen to someone weather they like it or not so least I can be that person and then maybe it with deplete the fact that I’m just broken and can’t be fixed, I’ve already fucked my body up because of neglecting myself but why should I look after myself when no one looks after me and then everyone gets angry saying to start looking after myself when I fucking can’t! My own mother couldn’t look after me so why should I look after me…foster carers couldn’t look after me without abusing me to the point I have a fear of showers/baths etc…my own “mother” can’t even look after me now even though she missed the past 16 years of my life 💔
I don’t want to be here yet suicide is selfish and wrong and I learnt from that mistake when I was 15, now everyday I wish that something life threatening would happen to me…never does! Every birthday I blow out candles and wish for it to be the last year…that started when I was 11. People die when they don’t want to die so why can’t it be fair?
People think I have it easy because I smile and take care of others first but nope behind the smile is a girl that is having to survive and fight silent battles to escape the truth when Infact she wishes she had someone she could just scream to about everything that she is dealing with…
I just want to be numb like cancel my feelings and let me feel nothing please! Brain wash me or take my brain out! Reverse the past and all the crap and hurt that I’ve had from people.
I just want the pain to go away, that’s all I ever wanted yet life just doesn’t get better trust me I know from experience, 11 year old me is just stuck as an 18 year old in pain knowing that one day it will be my time to go but until then survive and thrive and fake it till I make it 🙃 tired myself out writing this and now I’m struggling to stay awake so off to bed I go and hopefully things won’t feel as bad tomorrow.
I’m safe and maybe I’ll be fine tmr just a low night I guess so don’t waste your time on me, trust me I ain’t worth it
Night 💕
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
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Comments
First of all, thank you for sharing this. I know how hard it is to open up, even just writing this must’ve taken so much strength — more than you probably realize right now. Please know, with every word I read, I don’t see someone who’s broken or a burden — I see someone who’s carrying so much pain that never should’ve been theirs to carry in the first place.
You are not alone in this. I know it may feel that way right now, but there is a community here, we care deeply about you. You are not wasting anyone’s time — and you don’t need to keep pretending just to make everyone else comfortable. You deserve to be held, to be heard, and to be supported through your pain. There is no shame in struggling. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.
What you went through — and are still going through — is so much. Too much for one person to hold inside. Of course it hurts. Of course it feels heavy. Of course it feels like too much sometimes. But that doesn’t make you weak or wrong — it makes you human.
You’re worth supporting. You’re worth fighting for. And the pain you’re in right now doesn’t define you. It's valid, but it's not forever.
Can I gently check in — are you safe right now? I know you said you are at the end of your post. Just know if you dont feel safe reachout. I know in past posts and chats you ahve mentioned hkw u helpful helplines can be at time but please reachout if you need then, if not a helpline reaxhout to someone, anyone who can sit in the dark with you until it passes. I know it's hard to believe right now, but there are people who will care in the way you need.
You deserve care. You deserve to feel better — not because others demand it, but because you are a person with worth, with so much strength, and with a heart that gives even when it’s empty. That is incredible. You are incredible.
Please, don’t ever think you’re not worth the time or love or space. You are. Always. we see you. I see you, through every board post and every chat: i see you. I’m proud of you for surviving, even when it feels impossible.
You are not alone. ♥️
Just know you are worth love and support. You are most certainly not a waste of time
Just know we are here for you as a community
i know you said not to waste time on you, but i’m not going to let that slide because you are worth time, care, and support! you might not feel it right now, but i promise you, your pain matters, and so do you.
reading what you wrote broke my heart, not because of the rawness, but because you’ve been carrying all of this on your own for so long, hiding so much behind your strength and your smile. you’ve been surviving instead of living, and that’s not fair. it’s exhausting to constantly be the one others rely on when inside, you’re barely holding yourself together.
you’ve been through things no one should ever have to go through, the kind of pain and betrayal that leave scars so deep, they feel permanent. the way you’ve been hurt, neglected, and let down by the very people who should’ve protected and cared for you… it’s not just wrong, it’s heartbreaking. none of what happened is your fault. the abuse you faced, the people who left, they didn’t leave because of something you did or because you’re unworthy. they failed you, not the other way around.
and yet you’re still here. still showing up for others. still trying. that’s not weakness or brokenness, that’s a kind of strength most people will never understand!
you don’t have to fake it forever. you don’t have to bottle things up just to make everyone else comfortable. you’re allowed to not be ok. you’re allowed to scream, to cry, to say that this is too much, and it’s not selfish to want the pain to stop. it just means you’re hurting, and you need real support, not pressure to keep performing strength for the world.
i know nights like this feel endless, i know you’re tired, but i want you to know that there is hope, maybe not in the form of a perfect fix, but in tiny steps, in real connection, in people who won’t walk away when things get dark. i care about you, so many people here do - we aren’t going anywhere!
please don’t shut yourself off completely. you don’t have to scream into a void. you can talk to us. you can keep reaching out because your voice matters, and someone is listening.
i’m so proud of you for surviving, even though it’s really difficult. i hope today has been even just a little lighter, but either way, we’re all here for you!
you’ve got this
First things first, screw your birth mother. Not all parents deserve kids, but all kids deserve parents, and it's honestly cruel of your mother to act that way to you after causing so many issues for you. She doesn't get the right to act like that having not been present for so long. Screw those at your foster care, for failing you so badly. It's beyond horrific.
You asked why else people leave and abuse you and neglect you, and truthfully, the answer is because people are pricks. Some are truly awful pricks, and the system lets people fall through the cracks, and even hurts some people really bad. But that doesn't mean you ever deserved any of it because you didn't. Especially, not somebody who's been as kind to others as you have. Bad stuff happens to good people, and when it's so much bad stuff for so long, with so many failing them, so badly, it makes them feel like they aren't enough and brings out feelings of worthlessness, but let me tell you, it isn't true those feelings. It's hard to change how you feel, but there is nothing worthless about you, and you deserve all the support in the world. nobody is wasting there time supporting you. Just because others have been awful to you, it doesn't mean you ever deserved for it to happen.
I know you feel broken beyond repair right now, and that your health isn't the best, and it's understandable given the circumstances, but i want to just say to you, you don't deserve to feel this way or for any of this. You deserve happiness, and the same kindness and care that you've given to others and more. Your health can come back, and nobody is broken beyond repair Rose, especially not somebody who can still after all of this, show up to support others and show others kindness. That's something special.
Your an absolute warrior for holding on through it all. And very brave for being open about this. You don't need to pretend to hold on for others at all. You need to be your true self and be kind to yourself, because bottling it up and putting on a smile, it works in the short term, but not the long.
It's not my place to say, but by the sounds of it, you need therapy right now. Trauma therapy to be precise. Because you deserve to be happy. Not for others sakes, but yours. You yourself as a kind hearted person, deserve to be happy. We're all here for you rose. Sorry if this sounds like rambling on.