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TW Suicidal Thoughts: I'm getting worse, CAMHS aren't acknowledging me.
Jack25
Posts: 4 Newbie
Hey 
, I will try to keep this short, but it will probably become a vent post.
I've struggled with my mental health for the past 4 years and never reached out for help because I thought going through prolonged low periods were normal, even though I lost a lot of enjoyment in things, and I felt ashamed by stuff surrounding my suicidal thoughts (I am safe), I was scared to talk, and had no one to talk to about it. But this current period that has been ongoing for 8-9 months and has been the worst so far, I have lost enjoyment in absolutely everything, I have no appetite and struggle to eat (trying to eat makes me feel sick), I have difficulties sleeping, I struggle with basic care like doing my teeth which is embarrassing to say (I still manage to do it but I'm struggling), and I have mood swings where I go from really low to painfully sad for no reason, and going through the motions of all of this everyday struggling just makes me suicidal all the time - everything I do feels overwhelming (I am safe). However, I'm having these painfully sad periods more often now. Nearly every day last week, I ended up crying for hours, which is humiliating and distressing in school, and I ended up embarrassing myself. I find everything hard to do, getting out of bed, walking to school, and I feel exhausted every day.
I was discharged from the CAMHS crisis team 4 weeks ago, and they were around for 7 weeks. Once discharged, I got an appointment with the psychiatrist at CORE-CAMHS. However she didn't understand, nor do I think she believed me, she didn't acknowledge anything when I mentioned my lack of enjoyment in everything, struggling to eat etc. My care coordinator is on holiday which I wasn't told, but when I asked to speak to someone at CAMHS the person taking over looking at my notes said that it is because of stress, and because they've only known me since February they don't know much. CAMHS sent an email to my school asking for exam consideration, and to give details about my situation, but the email felt reductive and minimised my situation to being caused by situational stress (exams) and having "low mood" - they said they won't diagnose me with depression, partly because they haven't "known me for long". The email felt dismissive of potential mental health issues and the chronic nature of it, and how it has flared up without academic pressure before. It also didn't acknowledge the impact this has had on functioning, self-care etc. There's also the implication that I will be better after my exams, but I don't think so, and even if so, it will happen again as it has happened before.
I'm struggling to do everything, and they blame this on stress, and they always bring up my predicted grades or university offers as if that means I'm ok. I feel so ignored, especially after it has been going on for months, way before my exams, they act like I'm ok whilst I'm struggling so much, and because it's "stress" it feels like they're going to watch until my exams are over.
CAMHS did offer medication and are being pushy to speak to my parents, I turned down medication though as it was too close to the exams (which the psychiatrist wasn't understanding of), but I can't put up with crying for hours every day. They were saying it's my fault that I turned down support and said I must "comply" with them, I am being blamed by everyone for everything, and I'm blaming myself, I can't make one right decision. This is the only support they are offering me, even though things are getting worse. I don't get any more CAMHS appointments or phone calls with anyone.
I feel alone as well, no one knows what's going on apart from my teachers, and they are supporting me so much, I am wasting their time, I don't deserve their support.
CAMHS aren't helping me and I feel there's been a misunderstanding about my situation, and the lack of acknowledgement when I express my struggles is confusing, I don't know if they know, or don't or refuse to acknowledge what's going on because they don't say anything and swiftly move on, (I know they're underfunded anyways so that's probably a big part as well), and they don't acknowledge me when I say I'm crying for hours etc. etc., they don't go "ok" or anything, they somehow change the topic. Maybe they aren't helping because I'm turning 18 soon, or think that because I can function, I'm ok? But maybe they are also waiting for my exams to finish to see how I feel, and I know I won't feel better. My suicidal thoughts are really strong and persistent (I'm safe), and due to some silly things I guess, I landed with the crisis team, and I feel so hopeless now they're gone. And I know I'm probably not going to get support over the summer, as my only support network is my teachers, which is scary, but I will deal with it if it comes. I have tried to tell them things are getting worse but I don't even get an OK - and worse from where I'm at now really feels unbearable, I have gone from crying a few times a week for an hour or so to almost daily when I'm alone and have space, or in school, and can last hours, they end up talking about oh you can go to uni, or my predicted grades 🙄- I'm worried about myself, I want my life back, I don't have the energy to worry about school, I can't complete a quarter of the paper anymore and break down in tears randomly, I hate it when they mention it and my university offers, I don't need the reminder of what I've thrown away.
My A-Level exams start next week, and I don't know what to say. I can't focus and keep on zoning out, breaking down, and can't recall information quickly and struggle to problem solve and think clearly, let alone eat and care for myself - it's not going to be ok like CAMHS thinks. I loved school and academics, but I've lost enjoyment in everything. I decided to sit these exams - a bit strange when I think about struggling to do everything, like eating, and now I'm forcing myself to sit exams, oh well, it would've been downhill without them anyways. I think I'm just lazy, I can't pull myself together, I have disappointed myself and my teachers. I will most likely be resitting Year 13, and I'm pleased I have that option to fall back on.
I'm crying every day to the point that sometimes I'm sick, I can't hold my sadness back anymore, it's so debilitating to feel sad all the time and having to force myself to do everything, and now I have no one to turn to. I have periods where I felt nothing at all for a few days, and everything feels floaty or like it's a dream, idk how to put it, it's distressing, I get no break. I feel as though I'm pushing people away, without meaning to. I want it all to end. I can't keep struggling through each day as it comes, it's always the same. I'm so exhausted of masking (at home and in school), forcing myself to function, crying my eyes out, thinking of ending my life (I'm safe), then watch as my mood drops further, I cry more, become more isolated then try and not isolate myself, and it's this on repeat every day. I feel awful because there's no known reason why I feel this way, and I know people will have experienced and been through a lot worse. I don't know how long I can put up with this. I'm so close to giving up, and it will probably happen at some point.
(Once again I am safe.)
Sorry for wasting your time, I know this is really long, but I hope you all have a nice day and take care
, I will try to keep this short, but it will probably become a vent post.I've struggled with my mental health for the past 4 years and never reached out for help because I thought going through prolonged low periods were normal, even though I lost a lot of enjoyment in things, and I felt ashamed by stuff surrounding my suicidal thoughts (I am safe), I was scared to talk, and had no one to talk to about it. But this current period that has been ongoing for 8-9 months and has been the worst so far, I have lost enjoyment in absolutely everything, I have no appetite and struggle to eat (trying to eat makes me feel sick), I have difficulties sleeping, I struggle with basic care like doing my teeth which is embarrassing to say (I still manage to do it but I'm struggling), and I have mood swings where I go from really low to painfully sad for no reason, and going through the motions of all of this everyday struggling just makes me suicidal all the time - everything I do feels overwhelming (I am safe). However, I'm having these painfully sad periods more often now. Nearly every day last week, I ended up crying for hours, which is humiliating and distressing in school, and I ended up embarrassing myself. I find everything hard to do, getting out of bed, walking to school, and I feel exhausted every day.
I was discharged from the CAMHS crisis team 4 weeks ago, and they were around for 7 weeks. Once discharged, I got an appointment with the psychiatrist at CORE-CAMHS. However she didn't understand, nor do I think she believed me, she didn't acknowledge anything when I mentioned my lack of enjoyment in everything, struggling to eat etc. My care coordinator is on holiday which I wasn't told, but when I asked to speak to someone at CAMHS the person taking over looking at my notes said that it is because of stress, and because they've only known me since February they don't know much. CAMHS sent an email to my school asking for exam consideration, and to give details about my situation, but the email felt reductive and minimised my situation to being caused by situational stress (exams) and having "low mood" - they said they won't diagnose me with depression, partly because they haven't "known me for long". The email felt dismissive of potential mental health issues and the chronic nature of it, and how it has flared up without academic pressure before. It also didn't acknowledge the impact this has had on functioning, self-care etc. There's also the implication that I will be better after my exams, but I don't think so, and even if so, it will happen again as it has happened before.
I'm struggling to do everything, and they blame this on stress, and they always bring up my predicted grades or university offers as if that means I'm ok. I feel so ignored, especially after it has been going on for months, way before my exams, they act like I'm ok whilst I'm struggling so much, and because it's "stress" it feels like they're going to watch until my exams are over.
CAMHS did offer medication and are being pushy to speak to my parents, I turned down medication though as it was too close to the exams (which the psychiatrist wasn't understanding of), but I can't put up with crying for hours every day. They were saying it's my fault that I turned down support and said I must "comply" with them, I am being blamed by everyone for everything, and I'm blaming myself, I can't make one right decision. This is the only support they are offering me, even though things are getting worse. I don't get any more CAMHS appointments or phone calls with anyone.
I feel alone as well, no one knows what's going on apart from my teachers, and they are supporting me so much, I am wasting their time, I don't deserve their support.
CAMHS aren't helping me and I feel there's been a misunderstanding about my situation, and the lack of acknowledgement when I express my struggles is confusing, I don't know if they know, or don't or refuse to acknowledge what's going on because they don't say anything and swiftly move on, (I know they're underfunded anyways so that's probably a big part as well), and they don't acknowledge me when I say I'm crying for hours etc. etc., they don't go "ok" or anything, they somehow change the topic. Maybe they aren't helping because I'm turning 18 soon, or think that because I can function, I'm ok? But maybe they are also waiting for my exams to finish to see how I feel, and I know I won't feel better. My suicidal thoughts are really strong and persistent (I'm safe), and due to some silly things I guess, I landed with the crisis team, and I feel so hopeless now they're gone. And I know I'm probably not going to get support over the summer, as my only support network is my teachers, which is scary, but I will deal with it if it comes. I have tried to tell them things are getting worse but I don't even get an OK - and worse from where I'm at now really feels unbearable, I have gone from crying a few times a week for an hour or so to almost daily when I'm alone and have space, or in school, and can last hours, they end up talking about oh you can go to uni, or my predicted grades 🙄- I'm worried about myself, I want my life back, I don't have the energy to worry about school, I can't complete a quarter of the paper anymore and break down in tears randomly, I hate it when they mention it and my university offers, I don't need the reminder of what I've thrown away.
My A-Level exams start next week, and I don't know what to say. I can't focus and keep on zoning out, breaking down, and can't recall information quickly and struggle to problem solve and think clearly, let alone eat and care for myself - it's not going to be ok like CAMHS thinks. I loved school and academics, but I've lost enjoyment in everything. I decided to sit these exams - a bit strange when I think about struggling to do everything, like eating, and now I'm forcing myself to sit exams, oh well, it would've been downhill without them anyways. I think I'm just lazy, I can't pull myself together, I have disappointed myself and my teachers. I will most likely be resitting Year 13, and I'm pleased I have that option to fall back on.
I'm crying every day to the point that sometimes I'm sick, I can't hold my sadness back anymore, it's so debilitating to feel sad all the time and having to force myself to do everything, and now I have no one to turn to. I have periods where I felt nothing at all for a few days, and everything feels floaty or like it's a dream, idk how to put it, it's distressing, I get no break. I feel as though I'm pushing people away, without meaning to. I want it all to end. I can't keep struggling through each day as it comes, it's always the same. I'm so exhausted of masking (at home and in school), forcing myself to function, crying my eyes out, thinking of ending my life (I'm safe), then watch as my mood drops further, I cry more, become more isolated then try and not isolate myself, and it's this on repeat every day. I feel awful because there's no known reason why I feel this way, and I know people will have experienced and been through a lot worse. I don't know how long I can put up with this. I'm so close to giving up, and it will probably happen at some point.
(Once again I am safe.)
Sorry for wasting your time, I know this is really long, but I hope you all have a nice day and take care
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Comments
Thank you so much for sharing your story here with us, and I want to reassure you that you have no need to apologise and you aren't wasting any of our time! We're all here to listen to you and give you a place to feel heard like you deserve, and your posts can be as long as you need them to be.
I want to take a moment to acknowledge all of these heavy feelings. You're going through this routine every day and it sounds like you have summed it up perfectly with the world "debilitating" because it seems like it is interrupting almost every aspect of your life. On top of this, a lot of your support systems aren't giving these feelings the gravity and space that they deserve, whether they aren't acknowledging them at all or are choosing to focus on things like your expected grades. I can imagine this feels super demoralising when they are taking a number or letter on a paper over your own personal accounts of how hard each day is for you, does that sound right?
Both the physical and mental sides of all of this sound like they're absolutely draining for you, and you're doing so well to be getting through each day even when it feels like the most uphill of climbs. It sounds important that you said no to the medication because it doesn't feel right for you right now, and that's so valid, and the fact they have taken that decision and seem to be using it to say your struggles aren't as valid as they are is really disheartening and tricky to navigate.
You have all of this going on whilst your exams are coming up for you, which seems like it could add a whole other level of stress to this on top of those extremely hard feelings already, and having that fall back of being able to redo the year sounds good, even though I appreciate this probably isn't ideal for you either way. Do you think you might be able to get more support next year for a repeat of Year 13 if it did end up happening.
Going through all of these struggles when you don't have any enjoyment left for anything really sounds hard, how are you managing to get through day by day at the moment?
You mentioned that your only support system is your teachers, and whilst it is super positive to have those bonds with your teachers, I wonder what your relationships are like with friends/family if you don't mind going a bit into this?
You mention too that you think maybe you could just be lazy and are disappointing both you and your teachers, but this is not true as you are doing all you can with the hand you have been dealt at the moment and fighting to get through each day. Surviving when you are going through something this heavy and draining is anything but lazy, and you deserve praise for keeping on going.
Thank you again for sharing Jack, and this Community is here for you to listen and offer support. If there is any type of help that you think might be helpful, we can see if we can find any other organisations for you too!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond, it means a lot to me
Yes that's a really good way of putting it. It's frustrating to say you're struggling to function and struggle with daily living, breaking down. And for it to be ignored and for them to not even say "ok" and just start talking about my predicted grades and going to university this year, as though that is evidence against my situation.
The school would support me (as best they can - I can't share a lot of stuff because when I did that previously it wound me up with safeguarding as it came out as a crisis, and I'm pretty sure I'm scaring them, so I can't really speak that much.)
In terms of external support I don't think so. I had 2 appointments with NHS adult talking therapies. They liaised with CAMHS and brought up the email CAMHS sent to the school - they did bring up what CAMHS said which was out of touch, all about exams and situational stress rather than looking at the full picture 🫠. I won't bore you with what went on at the appointment, it wasn't exciting.
They very briefly mentioned I could get a few sessions of CBT but I would have to wait a minimum of 8 months. and I will get a letter about it. But I'm a bit weary what they said followed what CAMHS have told them so I might not be getting the right support.
However, I haven't been told anything about transitioning to AMHS. I feel as though CAMHS not listening has created this ripple effect for future care?
So if anything I will get less support, which isn't ideal because I feel I'm vulnerable to stress when I feel like this, and I couldn't go back to school in my current state, school provides me with structure but I think without support it would go worse than it is now again. And I don't see a way out, even though CAMHS seem insistent it will go away once the exams are gone, I don't think it will. If I still feel like this I don't think I could even start school, the thought of it is too overwhelming, and having to do everything.
I just push through because I don't know what else to do. I don't want to lie in bed all day, even though my body really wants but it's not what I want. It's just focusing on one thing at a time I guess, sitting up, getting out of bed, putting the toothbrush in my mouth etc.,, it's these robotic steps I consciously have to tell myself to do, and the routine and the notion that since I did it yesterday, I should be able to do it today, which is really draining. And not doing it will probably make me worse, and make it hard to start again, because I will probably have to get out of bed at some point. Once I stop, I don't think I will be able to start, and I don't want to get worse quicker than I am already. I just have to accept how things are at the moment, and hope things get better.
It's ok, this whole thing is just making me push people away though, I try to stay with people but I've just been faking being ok so no one is fully aware, and I don't even know who I am anymore, I just keep on playing a fake persona like I'm ok. So it's made me very lonely, but I wouldn't choose to talk with them for reasons I don't really want to share at the moment, but they just woudn't/don't care. I've bothered enough people as it is, I'm only weighing down others and causing problems.
(a bit off topic) CAMHS have never asked about previous episodes of low mood across the 4 years, and so are not aware of a previous suicide attempt that didn't work out, I have never told anyone about them. CAMHS said they are more interested in the now than before, but they aren't acknowledging the present anyways. They said that "your safety is your responsibility" when bringing up suicidal thoughts, which is the only comment made about my suicidal thoughts from my appointments with the CAMHS psychiatrist.
Honestly I feel like I'm on my last legs. It's like my body wants me to die, to stop eating and drinking. It is pinning me down wherever I go, it makes it hard to even move, or sit up or get out of a chair. Then having to consciously break things down into small steps, and have to sort of really push to move and do things. I'm stuck sad all the time, find everything is effort, experience no joy from any activity, doing stuff just makes me indifferent (so just sad) or leaves me off worse. I have breakdowns now nearly daily where I can start feeling achy all over or sick and experience the worst level of sadness I think I could possibly feel, wishing my life to end to stop this emotional pain because it's too much to take, it can be short or last hours.
And now I'm sitting these exams the pressure is dragging me down. But I feel lazy because I'm struggling to do anything at all, not just school work, I want to do well but I'm too busy being lethargic, I feel so guilty and lazy I don't know why I just can't do things normally. This added pressure is making me feel worse, I don't think I can take this for the next 6 weeks. I told CAMHS I feel I feel too unwell to go through with the exams and they dismissed the comment, if I'm struggling with basic self-care and breaking down, why does everyone think I can cope with the pressure of exams if I've had enough of living. Just because I present as functional and not on medication it's like they don't care. They think I will be better after my exams because it's "just stress" but I can't imagine waking up after my final exam suddenly finding joy in things again - there is nothing, no amount of physical exercise or any hobby I used to enjoy that can bring some relief to this persistent sadness, it either makes me tired/indifferent or worse, nor can I imagine the effort it takes to do everything just disappearing, just feeling "ok" is so far away from where I'm at now. I'm just doing things that are less awful than doing nothing, knowing I won't feel even marginally better anyways. I might as well give up there's no point and no hope, and I'm just creating problems for other people. The pressure of the exams will go, but I know the sadness will still be there, but what do I know, they are professionals.
I don't know what type of help might be helpful. I just want to feel like I'm living, I want myself back. I have received counselling for 4 months now from the school counsellor, but it hasn't been helpful, I'm still getting worse, but it has given me space to talk, (to an extent though I'm weary if I talk in depth about stuff regarding my suicidal thoughts safeguarding will get involved as they have done this year). I don't know how bad the CAMHS & AMHS situation will turn out to be, I know AMHS will look at my medical notes but I'm fairly sure they are not reflective of my situation given the lack of acknowledgement.
(I'm safe)
Sorry I'm repeating myself a lot. Thank you once again, I hope everyone has a nice day