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it's been a month and they won't leave me alone
PunchThe_Internet
Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
It’s been a month since the hallucinations started. They’re still prevalent, if not getting worse.
I’m hearing what I perceive to be voices in my head. They’re not my voice. They range from child to adult, male to female, and some indescribable voices that sound human but I don’t believe to be. I briefly saw a man on the sofa, and then I heard his voice in my head saying, 'help me.' I did nothing, and part of me feels guilty. The most recent voice I heard was a child’s, but i don’t remember what she said. I think she was saying something about me.
I can feel them around me. When they don;t touch me, it feels like a weight, similar to the sensation when you know someone is staring at you. When they do touch me, it’s usually on my back, shoulders, or head. One of them was hurting my back and I asked for it to stop. It stopped, but continued to touch my back afterwards, though it wasn’t painful.
More recently, I had an experience that terrified me. I woke up during the night, and an image of a face wouldn’t leave my mind, no matter what I did. I felt him standing beside my bed. He was watching me—just staring, doing nothing. It was a 10, what I categorise as intense. It felt similar to sleep paralysis (which I’ve experienced before), but I was able to move. I tried a coping strategy my therapist had taught me, but it didn;t help. His face wouldn’t leave my mind. He just stared at me as if i were a worm. It was disturbing and emotionally dysregulating.
I’m scared of sleeping because I don’t want to see him again. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I don’t want to be special. I don’t want to see him again.
Fortunately i guess, I haven’t relapsed. I’m around nine months clean, which is the longest I’ve ever gone. Part of me knows that, if I relapse, i’ll feel guilty about throwing all that time away so easily. But another part of me doesn’t care. My vision is odd, and the colours look strange. I should stop now before they start finding me
I’m hearing what I perceive to be voices in my head. They’re not my voice. They range from child to adult, male to female, and some indescribable voices that sound human but I don’t believe to be. I briefly saw a man on the sofa, and then I heard his voice in my head saying, 'help me.' I did nothing, and part of me feels guilty. The most recent voice I heard was a child’s, but i don’t remember what she said. I think she was saying something about me.
I can feel them around me. When they don;t touch me, it feels like a weight, similar to the sensation when you know someone is staring at you. When they do touch me, it’s usually on my back, shoulders, or head. One of them was hurting my back and I asked for it to stop. It stopped, but continued to touch my back afterwards, though it wasn’t painful.
More recently, I had an experience that terrified me. I woke up during the night, and an image of a face wouldn’t leave my mind, no matter what I did. I felt him standing beside my bed. He was watching me—just staring, doing nothing. It was a 10, what I categorise as intense. It felt similar to sleep paralysis (which I’ve experienced before), but I was able to move. I tried a coping strategy my therapist had taught me, but it didn;t help. His face wouldn’t leave my mind. He just stared at me as if i were a worm. It was disturbing and emotionally dysregulating.
I’m scared of sleeping because I don’t want to see him again. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I don’t want to be special. I don’t want to see him again.
Fortunately i guess, I haven’t relapsed. I’m around nine months clean, which is the longest I’ve ever gone. Part of me knows that, if I relapse, i’ll feel guilty about throwing all that time away so easily. But another part of me doesn’t care. My vision is odd, and the colours look strange. I should stop now before they start finding me
Please don't hug me
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Comments
thank you so much for telling us all of this - i know it probably wasn’t easy to share, so i’m proud of you for doing so! you don’t have to go through this alone, and i want you to know we believe you and we care about you.
what you’re experiencing sounds incredibly intense and frightening, and i’m so sorry you’re going through it. i can’t imagine how exhausting and unsettling it must be to feel like you’re never fully alone, even when you are. it’s ok to be scared. honestly, it makes total sense that you are. none of this is your fault.
please try to hold onto this: your mind might be convincing you that you’re unsafe or alone or being watched, but you are still here. you’re still fighting. you’ve made it nine months clean, and that’s huge! that’s not luck or coincidence - that is strength. that something no hallucination, no voice, no night terror can erase.
if the strategies your therapist gave you aren’t working in this moment, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just means you need more support right now, and that’s ok. you’re allowed to need help. this is bigger than something you should have to carry by yourself. could you reach out to your therapist again?
you deserve peace, you deserve rest, and even if everything feels distorted and overwhelming, you still matter so much. i don’t think you’re “special” in a scary or cursed way. i think you’re someone going through something incredibly difficult, who’s still here, still trying to hold on, and who deserves kindness and safety above all else.
if things start getting worse or you feel like you’re in danger, whether from the hallucinations or yourself, please do reach out for support that you are so deserving of! your life is too important to leave to chance.
in case you need, here are some helplines:
shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258
samaritans (24/7) - call 116123
lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000
papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141
inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036
community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737
knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687
mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393
rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927
kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website
saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000
calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858
suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800
kelly’s heroes (6pm-11pm) - webchat on website
sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505
we are here, you’re not alone and you don’t have to prove anything to be worthy of love, support, or understanding.
i’m proud of you
May I ask, how has it been to explore these experiences within therapy? I wonder how listened to you have felt, and what your relationship with your therapist is like?
You mentioned towards the end of your post that you have been nine months clean without relapse, and I hear the amount of energy and focus this has taken at times. It sounds incredibly tough, particularly when you're being bombarded by such scary sensations and hallucinations. Can I ask - if you feel safe sharing - what might it look like if the hallucinations 'find you' or if a relapse happens? Over the last nine months, what would you say have felt like some of the most helpful tools for you in avoiding relapse, or finding regulation through other ways?
Again, thank you so much @shannon_164 for these helplines.
We're here with you to listen @PunchThe_Internet and appreciate your trust.
@shannon_164 Thank you for the sources. All of this (the hallucinations and paranoia) feels like some kind of curse from God. That’s why I am, unfortunately, ‘special’, as I’ve put it. i think I need do to remind myself that I’m here. I have a difficult time grounding myself, and sometimes I don’t even feel alive. Even though i feel like I’ve been declining, I’m still somewhat content. Some things could be better, but regardless, i feel fine. It’s odd.
@Sian321 I feel fine, i think. Although, I heard someone whisper ‘listen.’ I told it that I didn’t want to, and I haven;t heard from it again. My therapist has given me coping mechanisms, but i still have a feeling she’ll eventually tell me that she doesn’t know what to do for me anymore, like everyone else. I don’t think I fear it, I’m just anticipating it so it doesn’t surprise me again.
What i meant about them finding me is that I think they can locate me. If I make a lot of noise, it feels as though they’ll be able to find me. And when they do, i can feel their presence, even if I can’t see them, or some of them i can see. Nothing I would consider as conventional has helped me, besides resisting the urges. I’ve tried other coping mechanisms, but they didn’t work for me. Though, sometimes i make music, and it helps distract me. With both self-harm and my hallucinations, ignoring them seems to work best for me. Redirecting my mind helps me the most.
Today, I did better today i think. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and washed my fringe. My hygiene isn;t very good recently (i haven;t showered since monday), but I'm trying to do what I can. I have been having a difficult time conveying and articulating my thoughts recently. My speech feels disorganised. I keep switching words around or combining words accidentally. I don't know if anyone else in my life notices, but i do. It feels abnormal, just like everything else. I'm going to eat now