i feel like i dont deserve it (TW - suicide)

toffuna101 · May 12

recently i feel like i dont deserve anything that i get you know. ive had this feeling ever since i had my first psychotic episode and maybe even before that. but if it was before that my psychosis caused it to get worse. even though i moved past my first psychotic episode i can never forget. i can never forget those facial expressions of the camhs crisis team as they said that no mentally ill person should ever have to experience what im about to experience and they also stated that im not ill. that im not psychotic. i can never forget how pissed off the psychiatrist was when i was talking to her. but now i know that it was my psychosis that caused me to have that interpretation. sorry im talking about this so much, its just been recently a year since ive been discharged from the psychiatric hospital. its an important milestone for me especially as in the past year a lot of things have changed for me. im only 16 but i feel like im 30. i was 15 when i experienced psychosis for the first time. that means i feel double my age. i dont want to feel double my age. i want to be a teenager. i want to go out, have friends, hang out with them and possibly be in a relationship. but who i am i kidding, ill never find someone if i think like this.

i thought i was doing better, i thought i was doing fine. i mean, like gertrude (my voice) said i have everything. i have two loving parents, i have siblings, i have shelter, food, water, all of the basic essentials. and sometimes if my dad has money he buys me things. luxuries. he works a normal job with a basic salary, nevertheless he provides for his family and he loves me so so much. i feel like i would doing a disservice to him if i committed suicide somehow. i know i cant because everything is kept locked away but i just feel hopeless. why do i get all of this? why am i getting the section 117 aftercare? why is my mentor in the library so nice to me? i mean she cares about me, but i dont understand what i did to deserve this. the people i know dont even have access to camhs or have been failed by them. sure i had a mixed experience with them overall but it has a happy ending. and quite frankly i dont deserve a happy ending. well, its technically not an ending yet since im still going to be with them until im 18 but theoretically yes it is an ending.

i just wish i wasnt born. i was lucky to be born. i call myself a miracle baby because i just was. i was born weeks early and got diagnosed with cerebral palsy from a young age. thanks to the physiotherapist i had from when i was a baby to age of 8 she made my symptoms better with exercises. the physiotherapists i had and still have afterwards just werent the same. even with all of these people helping me in the past and in the present, why do i deserve this? why do i deserve kindness, why do i deserve respect? when i push people away and ghost them, why do they still respect me anyways? i know humans have flaws but still. frankly i dont deserve to exist despite me being a miracle baby. i have no plans to try and kill myself simply because i physically cant. but i could if i would. maybe because of my survival instincts id immediately regret it like i did that other time.

i had such a good day today, why do i feel like crying? i mean, if i supposedly moved past this, why am i still thinking about my first psychotic episode? yeah, its been a year, but still. move on toffuna.

im safe...

Redemption · May 12

toffuna101 wrote: »

recently i feel like i dont deserve anything that i get you know. ive had this feeling ever since i had my first psychotic episode and maybe even before that. but if it was before that my psychosis caused it to get worse. even though i moved past my first psychotic episode i can never forget. i can never forget those facial expressions of the camhs crisis team as they said that no mentally ill person should ever have to experience what im about to experience and they also stated that im not ill. that im not psychotic. i can never forget how pissed off the psychiatrist was when i was talking to her. but now i know that it was my psychosis that caused me to have that interpretation. sorry im talking about this so much, its just been recently a year since ive been discharged from the psychiatric hospital. its an important milestone for me especially as in the past year a lot of things have changed for me. im only 16 but i feel like im 30. i was 15 when i experienced psychosis for the first time. that means i feel double my age. i dont want to feel double my age. i want to be a teenager. i want to go out, have friends, hang out with them and possibly be in a relationship. but who i am i kidding, ill never find someone if i think like this.

i thought i was doing better, i thought i was doing fine. i mean, like gertrude (my voice) said i have everything. i have two loving parents, i have siblings, i have shelter, food, water, all of the basic essentials. and sometimes if my dad has money he buys me things. luxuries. he works a normal job with a basic salary, nevertheless he provides for his family and he loves me so so much. i feel like i would doing a disservice to him if i committed suicide somehow. i know i cant because everything is kept locked away but i just feel hopeless. why do i get all of this? why am i getting the section 117 aftercare? why is my mentor in the library so nice to me? i mean she cares about me, but i dont understand what i did to deserve this. the people i know dont even have access to camhs or have been failed by them. sure i had a mixed experience with them overall but it has a happy ending. and quite frankly i dont deserve a happy ending. well, its technically not an ending yet since im still going to be with them until im 18 but theoretically yes it is an ending.

i just wish i wasnt born. i was lucky to be born. i call myself a miracle baby because i just was. i was born weeks early and got diagnosed with cerebral palsy from a young age. thanks to the physiotherapist i had from when i was a baby to age of 8 she made my symptoms better with exercises. the physiotherapists i had and still have afterwards just werent the same. even with all of these people helping me in the past and in the present, why do i deserve this? why do i deserve kindness, why do i deserve respect? when i push people away and ghost them, why do they still respect me anyways? i know humans have flaws but still. frankly i dont deserve to exist despite me being a miracle baby. i have no plans to try and kill myself simply because i physically cant. but i could if i would. maybe because of my survival instincts id immediately regret it like i did that other time.

i had such a good day today, why do i feel like crying? i mean, if i supposedly moved past this, why am i still thinking about my first psychotic episode? yeah, its been a year, but still. move on toffuna.
im safe...

Im so so extremely sorry seeing a this. You do deserve kindness, care, and all the good things you’ve received your struggles don’t cancel that out. The fact that you're still here, still reflecting, and still trying says more about your strength than you realize. It’s okay to feel heavy even on good days. Healing isn’t linear but you’re not alone in it, we are here for you no matter what even all the changes.

Got a support service that might be able to help you, they're open till 12am everyday from 5pm, they'll be open now as I'm typing this but I'm not sure when you're reading this.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19933214565&gclid=CjwKCAjwuIbBBhBvEiwAsNypvUQtzb0raEgdTa4TDrpU4lmv6g6bCjbb9qLC0pcHvqHtCy-gTpKvNRoCLtAQAvD_BwE

Please take care of yourself

toffuna101 · May 12

thank you @Redemption

Lili5Bet · May 13

toffuna101 wrote: »

recently i feel like i dont deserve anything that i get you know. ive had this feeling ever since i had my first psychotic episode and maybe even before that. but if it was before that my psychosis caused it to get worse. even though i moved past my first psychotic episode i can never forget. i can never forget those facial expressions of the camhs crisis team as they said that no mentally ill person should ever have to experience what im about to experience and they also stated that im not ill. that im not psychotic. i can never forget how pissed off the psychiatrist was when i was talking to her. but now i know that it was my psychosis that caused me to have that interpretation. sorry im talking about this so much, its just been recently a year since ive been discharged from the psychiatric hospital. its an important milestone for me especially as in the past year a lot of things have changed for me. im only 16 but i feel like im 30. i was 15 when i experienced psychosis for the first time. that means i feel double my age. i dont want to feel double my age. i want to be a teenager. i want to go out, have friends, hang out with them and possibly be in a relationship. but who i am i kidding, ill never find someone if i think like this.

i thought i was doing better, i thought i was doing fine. i mean, like gertrude (my voice) said i have everything. i have two loving parents, i have siblings, i have shelter, food, water, all of the basic essentials. and sometimes if my dad has money he buys me things. luxuries. he works a normal job with a basic salary, nevertheless he provides for his family and he loves me so so much. i feel like i would doing a disservice to him if i committed suicide somehow. i know i cant because everything is kept locked away but i just feel hopeless. why do i get all of this? why am i getting the section 117 aftercare? why is my mentor in the library so nice to me? i mean she cares about me, but i dont understand what i did to deserve this. the people i know dont even have access to camhs or have been failed by them. sure i had a mixed experience with them overall but it has a happy ending. and quite frankly i dont deserve a happy ending. well, its technically not an ending yet since im still going to be with them until im 18 but theoretically yes it is an ending.

i just wish i wasnt born. i was lucky to be born. i call myself a miracle baby because i just was. i was born weeks early and got diagnosed with cerebral palsy from a young age. thanks to the physiotherapist i had from when i was a baby to age of 8 she made my symptoms better with exercises. the physiotherapists i had and still have afterwards just werent the same. even with all of these people helping me in the past and in the present, why do i deserve this? why do i deserve kindness, why do i deserve respect? when i push people away and ghost them, why do they still respect me anyways? i know humans have flaws but still. frankly i dont deserve to exist despite me being a miracle baby. i have no plans to try and kill myself simply because i physically cant. but i could if i would. maybe because of my survival instincts id immediately regret it like i did that other time.

i had such a good day today, why do i feel like crying? i mean, if i supposedly moved past this, why am i still thinking about my first psychotic episode? yeah, its been a year, but still. move on toffuna.
im safe...

Hey @toffuna101

I noticed some things within your message and I feel like if I share this with you, you’d feel (I hope) somewhat less alone

I too, have Cerebral Palsy. And I truly understand just that alone is so incredibly hard, I want to say I’m so proud of you. I understand that it’s not easy to go through, especially with everything else on top. You’re so strong, even if it may not feel like it, you are. I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve experienced and experiencing.

Those feelings you’re experiencing are hard to go through, and I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. Please know that you do deserve the kindness, love and care, and support! You matter so much.
Please know that I’m here for you, all of us are. Sending you hugs 🫂

toffuna101 · May 13

thank you @Lili5Bet

shannon_164 · May 14

hey @toffuna101 🙂

thank you for being so honest and open with us - i’m sure that took a lot of strength to write out!

you have been through so much, more than most people even begin to understand, and it makes total sense that you’d still be carrying the weight of it. a year might feel like “long enough” to move on, but healing isn’t a straight line or something you can rush through. what happened to you during that time mattered, and of course it’s still echoing inside you. that doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you’re broken, it just means you’re human, still making sense of something really traumatic.

i hate that anyone ever made you feel like you weren’t “ill enough” or that your pain wasn’t real. you did go through psychosis, you did suffer, and your experiences are real, even if your mind twisted them around at the time. that doesn’t make them any less valid or terrifying.

the way you talk about your family, about being a “miracle baby,” about your physiotherapist and your mentor, it shows just how deeply you do connect to love, even when your mind tries to convince you that you don’t deserve it, but listen: kindness isn’t something you earn like a reward. It’s something you’re worthy of just because you exist. that’s it! you don’t have to “earn” your place in this world - you already belong here.

and no, you’re not doing a disservice to anyone by existing. your dad loves you, your mentor cares about you, and we all care about you too. you have survived things that most people will never understand, and even on the days when you feel like you’re made of scars and sadness, you’re still you, still trying, still reaching out, still here. that is powerful, and that’s what matters.

it’s okay to grieve the version of teenagehood you didn’t get. it’s okay to wish for more lightness, for fun, for connection. You deserve those things, not because you’ve suffered, but just because you’re a person who deserves joy.

i’m so proud of you, and remember, you’re not alone, we are all here for you

toffuna101 · May 14

thank you @shannon_164 this was so reassuring to read. im still a teenager, and now that im healing ill try to make the most out of it.

i feel like i dont deserve it (TW - suicide)

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