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Poser (rant)
Mausolus
Posts: 19 Settling in
I’ll be honest, most of my life has been pretty great. My parents aren’t perfect but they’re pretty amazing; I’ve grown up middle/ maybe upper middle class and my parent’s financial situation has only gotten better as time has gone on; I’ve gone to pretty decent schools (hell, I’m in a private school at the moment), both in terms of quality of education and general environment; essentially everything’s gone spectacularly well for me. And then… it all went to shit for seemingly no reason?
When I moved countries (I live in Portugal and am technically Portuguese atm but I lived in the UK for ten years and I feel more comfortable with it’s culture and language a lot of times (please don’t kick me out)) something must have gone screwy and now I’m here, two years later, filled with hatred for myself because I seem to be unable to socialise or study or do much work at all, hung up on a lesbian, walking around school all day listening to music to stop feeling like I should blow my head off or put a cigarette out on myself.
It’s not like any of it makes sense either, I guess I’m a loser but who cares? I know I can get better and live a normal life and this hate doesn’t help me get anywhere but I just can’t stop. I feel like an animal, unable to understand my own reflection and lashing out with anger and loathing.
And because I’ve grown up so damn lucky, I feel like a poser, like I’m making all this shit up just to imitate her (the lesbian, long, long story) and that I have no right to feel like any of this because I was given so much. Even as I write this I wonder if I’m just seeking validation or community or whatever. Obviously, this just makes it worse but I just can’t stop thinking about all of it. It’s like I have a hundred thoughts waiting to enter my head and they’ll all just make me feel worse and there’s nothing I can do.
When I moved countries (I live in Portugal and am technically Portuguese atm but I lived in the UK for ten years and I feel more comfortable with it’s culture and language a lot of times (please don’t kick me out)) something must have gone screwy and now I’m here, two years later, filled with hatred for myself because I seem to be unable to socialise or study or do much work at all, hung up on a lesbian, walking around school all day listening to music to stop feeling like I should blow my head off or put a cigarette out on myself.
It’s not like any of it makes sense either, I guess I’m a loser but who cares? I know I can get better and live a normal life and this hate doesn’t help me get anywhere but I just can’t stop. I feel like an animal, unable to understand my own reflection and lashing out with anger and loathing.
And because I’ve grown up so damn lucky, I feel like a poser, like I’m making all this shit up just to imitate her (the lesbian, long, long story) and that I have no right to feel like any of this because I was given so much. Even as I write this I wonder if I’m just seeking validation or community or whatever. Obviously, this just makes it worse but I just can’t stop thinking about all of it. It’s like I have a hundred thoughts waiting to enter my head and they’ll all just make me feel worse and there’s nothing I can do.
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Comments
firstly, thank you for opening up and being so honest with us - i know that takes a lot and that it probably wasn’t easy to put all of that into words! what you’re feeling is valid, even if your brain keeps trying to tell you it isn’t.
pain doesn’t require a permission slip. you don’t need to come from a “hard life” to feel like things are falling apart. you are human, and what you’re going through right now is heavy and real, no amount of privilege cancels that out. feeling lost, angry, or disconnected doesn’t make you ungrateful or fake. it just means you’re struggling, and that’s ok, you are allowed to struggle.
the self-hatred, the overload of thoughts, the feeling like you’re disconnected from yourself and the world around you, it all sounds exhausting, the fact that you’re aware of it, that you can articulate it like this, shows a lot of depth and strength, even if you don’t feel that way right now.
you’re not a poser. you’re not making this up. you’re not some broken copy of someone else. you are a person who’s hurting and trying to figure it all out, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, that’s a really brave thing to be doing.
please done feel like you have to go through this alone - we are all here for you!! you’re not a burden, you deserve kindness and space to feel what you feel, and even if it’s hard to see now, there’s a future where this fog starts to lift, slowly and quietly.
you’re not an animal. you’re not a failure. you are a person with a mind that’s working against you right now and that’s not your fault.
you’ve got this