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diagnosis (TW)
toffuna101
Posts: 2,313 Boards Champion
this is based off a real story, aka mine
---
February 2024
Sia (this is not my real name) sits down on her bed, contemplating what happened earlier. How she broke down in front of mental health professionals she barely knew, how she was given the leaflet and how despite everything she was still here, alive and breathing. She closes her eyes and tries to process it all.
(Flashback)
For the first time in ages tears flow down her cheeks. Two mental health professionals, likely an assistant psychologist and a psychiatrist look at her in concern and understanding, "I-I just can't anymore. Everything has been shit for me and I don't know what to do," Sia stutters. Usually she would cover her face and curl up into a ball of embarrassment. But today was different. She's desperate. After waiting for three years to receive some sort of specialist mental health support from CAMHS, she's at her wits end.
One of the adults hands her a box of tissues and Sia takes them, then blowing out her nose. Finally the assistant psychologist speaks, "What's been going on for you?" She asks.
Sia continues to cry softly before replying, "I've been hearing things. Voices. Saying 'oh no' and shadows lurking around my room at night. I keep on hearing police sirens too like they're out to get me. Like the government is out to get me. That my passport has been taken away," She explains in full detail.
"And why would you think that your passport has been taken away?" The psychiatrist asks, making notes on this along with the assistant psychologist.
"I... don't know," Sia shrugs avoiding eye contact with them.
"Would you like a glass of water?" The assistant psychologist asks.
"Yes please," Sia replies. And so she goes to get her a glass of water. After that was done she returns with two glasses of water for her before setting them down onto the table. Sia takes a sip of it before placing it back down, "So what's going to happen to me?"
"We need to get your dad to explain what's been happening to you as well so we get a clearer picture of what's going on. Then we can go from there," The psychiatrist responds.
Soon, Sia would be escorted to another room within the CAMHS crisis team building and would proceed to go on The Mix and scrolls past the threads on her phone. She goes to the hug thread and posts "i just feel numb from it all" despite crying earlier. She thinks to herself; is this really worth it? Will I just be ignored again? And sighs. Finally after what seemed like forever she gets taken to another room where two psychiatrists sat. One of the two women say, "Take a seat," So she proceeds to do so. Throughout the next half an hour or so Sia gets asked questions and she blinks, her mind going blank from venting to the other two mental health professionals earlier. Nevertheless, she tries to answer them with the best to her ability as she can.
authors note: this is just a shortened fictional version of what happened. in reality sia was in that camhs building for a while. anyways back to the story
After leaving, Sia would be left on her own again and her dad would enter the room, "Are you alright?" Her dad asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Sia says, obviously lying. She turns her head to the door and thinks to herself; this is going to be another waiting game, isn't it?
Like any patient person would, she waits for the mental health professionals to come to a decision.
After a while, all four of the mental health professionals return and hand Sia a leaflet with the title "psychosis", "Uh, I thought only adults could be diagnosed with psychosis. Aren't I too young?"
"No, young people can too," One of the mental health professionals answer, "We were going to diagnose you with depression too, however this needs further monitoring."
authors note: sia later on does get diagnosed with depression
---
(Flashforward back to the present)
Sia opens her eyes, looking at the window and the grey winter skies. What a day that was.
But little did she know, it was far from over.
---
(Sneak Peek)
I'm not sick! She thinks in her head as she throws the anti-psychotic in the toilet and flushes it down.
authors note: i dont recommend doing this
---
"Sia Miles (not my full name of course)," The nurse writes down on her computer, "Oh how you've changed."
---
"Girls in there get pregnant quickly," The nurse says, gossiping about Sia, "Soon she'll have loads of kids."
To be continued...
---
February 2024
Sia (this is not my real name) sits down on her bed, contemplating what happened earlier. How she broke down in front of mental health professionals she barely knew, how she was given the leaflet and how despite everything she was still here, alive and breathing. She closes her eyes and tries to process it all.
(Flashback)
For the first time in ages tears flow down her cheeks. Two mental health professionals, likely an assistant psychologist and a psychiatrist look at her in concern and understanding, "I-I just can't anymore. Everything has been shit for me and I don't know what to do," Sia stutters. Usually she would cover her face and curl up into a ball of embarrassment. But today was different. She's desperate. After waiting for three years to receive some sort of specialist mental health support from CAMHS, she's at her wits end.
One of the adults hands her a box of tissues and Sia takes them, then blowing out her nose. Finally the assistant psychologist speaks, "What's been going on for you?" She asks.
Sia continues to cry softly before replying, "I've been hearing things. Voices. Saying 'oh no' and shadows lurking around my room at night. I keep on hearing police sirens too like they're out to get me. Like the government is out to get me. That my passport has been taken away," She explains in full detail.
"And why would you think that your passport has been taken away?" The psychiatrist asks, making notes on this along with the assistant psychologist.
"I... don't know," Sia shrugs avoiding eye contact with them.
"Would you like a glass of water?" The assistant psychologist asks.
"Yes please," Sia replies. And so she goes to get her a glass of water. After that was done she returns with two glasses of water for her before setting them down onto the table. Sia takes a sip of it before placing it back down, "So what's going to happen to me?"
"We need to get your dad to explain what's been happening to you as well so we get a clearer picture of what's going on. Then we can go from there," The psychiatrist responds.
Soon, Sia would be escorted to another room within the CAMHS crisis team building and would proceed to go on The Mix and scrolls past the threads on her phone. She goes to the hug thread and posts "i just feel numb from it all" despite crying earlier. She thinks to herself; is this really worth it? Will I just be ignored again? And sighs. Finally after what seemed like forever she gets taken to another room where two psychiatrists sat. One of the two women say, "Take a seat," So she proceeds to do so. Throughout the next half an hour or so Sia gets asked questions and she blinks, her mind going blank from venting to the other two mental health professionals earlier. Nevertheless, she tries to answer them with the best to her ability as she can.
authors note: this is just a shortened fictional version of what happened. in reality sia was in that camhs building for a while. anyways back to the story
After leaving, Sia would be left on her own again and her dad would enter the room, "Are you alright?" Her dad asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Sia says, obviously lying. She turns her head to the door and thinks to herself; this is going to be another waiting game, isn't it?
Like any patient person would, she waits for the mental health professionals to come to a decision.
After a while, all four of the mental health professionals return and hand Sia a leaflet with the title "psychosis", "Uh, I thought only adults could be diagnosed with psychosis. Aren't I too young?"
"No, young people can too," One of the mental health professionals answer, "We were going to diagnose you with depression too, however this needs further monitoring."
authors note: sia later on does get diagnosed with depression
---
(Flashforward back to the present)
Sia opens her eyes, looking at the window and the grey winter skies. What a day that was.
But little did she know, it was far from over.
---
(Sneak Peek)
I'm not sick! She thinks in her head as she throws the anti-psychotic in the toilet and flushes it down.
authors note: i dont recommend doing this
---
"Sia Miles (not my full name of course)," The nurse writes down on her computer, "Oh how you've changed."
---
"Girls in there get pregnant quickly," The nurse says, gossiping about Sia, "Soon she'll have loads of kids."
To be continued...
5
Comments
Sia was in her mum's room reading the leaflet of the anti-psychotics about the side effects and she gulps in nervousness. Her dad comes into the room, "What are you doing?" He asks.
"Just reading," Sia says.
"Are you worried about the medication?" Her dad asks, getting straight to the point.
Sia wasn't surprised at this point that he knew since he had experience of psychosis himself and responds, "Yeah I am."
"Don't worry, it's only a small dose," Sia's dad reassures her.
Later on, Sia's mum returns home from work. She works as a delivery driver for a pizza company, therefore most of the time she brings a box of pizza home. Sia always likes pizza. But today was different. At night she has to take a small dose of anti-psychotics. It was her first time taking mental health medication too. She stares at the pill given to her, hides it after her dad leaves the room and begins eating the pizza. She had a plan. A risky one in fact but she knew. She wasn't sick despite all of these symptoms, right? After she finishes eating some pizza, she grabs the tissue where the pill was hiding in and goes to the bathroom. She stares down at the toilet seat, expressionless and cold before dropping it down into the toilet and thinks to herself:
I'm not sick!
Before flushing it down. Afterwards she felt nothing.
---
Sia did end up trying the meds but it only made her worse despite the small dosage. Of course, she had to go back to school and goes straight to the Head of Year's office, "How do you feel?" The Head of Year 11 asks, noticing how tired she was. Sia couldn't sleep the night before. The night felt like it had passed like a flash.
"I feel fine, I tried the meds I guess," Sia says.
"They're anti-psychotics, right?" The Head of Year asks.
"Yeah," Sia says. For some reason, ever since she started developing these symptoms, it felt like something was off. Out of place. But no, she was fine right? Right?
The Head of Year makes a note of this and replies, "They seem strong."
---
Because of the delusions that Sia was experiencing, she got sent home that day and was recommended by her Head of Year to take a break from school. So she ended up taking three weeks off school including the Easter Break. It was peaceful. She didn't have the stress of GCSEs looming over her shoulder and to be honest she didn't revise one bit. She just couldn't with the thoughts going on in her head. She comes back to school again and notices her friends and acquaintances gossiping about her after they just said a simple 'hello'. The weird feeling got even worse and she felt as if eyes were staring over her. One of her acquaintances was out to get her other friend after passing some notes to his friend. That friend who was being supposedly targeted had mental health problems of his own and ended up trauma dumping to Sia. Of course with her own problems, she didn't know how to react. She felt as if she was just there. Until one day she got even worse and was taken to A&E. To this day, she doesn't remember what happened. According to her dad she was just screaming at her computer which was out of character for her. The drive there was just nerve-racking. The music played, the night sky was present and she felt as if she was being taken to prison or a police station. Finally they arrived at the hospital. Suddenly Sia got the urge to crawl onto the ground and approach the A&E department there. She bent down but before she could get onto the ground Sia's dad grabbed her arms and said, "Don't do that," He says softly.
"Fine," Sia mumbles before going onto her kaye walker.
authors note: a kaye walker is a walking frame that disabled people (commonly with cerebral palsy which is the condition that i have) use
They walk into the A&E department and see a large row of adults sitting there. Since Sia had been here before in January for mental health reasons, she could see the vending machine with snacks. But she wasn't in the mood for snacks so she walks past it and turns to go to the paediatric side of the A&E department. The door opens and Sia sees children sitting there waiting for them to get called on by the triage nurse. So Sia sits down.
"I have to go and do something real quick," Sia's dad says, "Will you be alright on your own?"
"I will," Sia replies before her dad leaves.
In the background, one the security guards says, "Don't let her leave," Which confuses her but she tries to ignore it. Whilst she was waiting her dad to come back, she looks around the room and sees parents interacting with their children, being happy (at least on the outside) and seeing the glistens in their eyes as they briefly make eye contact with her. Sia feels a sense of melancholy. After her dad comes back, they get seen by the triage nurse.
"So what seems to be the problem today?" The triage nurse asks. She was a ginger-haired woman with nurse clothing on and a rainbow-coloured NHS lanyard.
"Her mental health is getting worse," Sia's dad says.
"What medication is she taking?" The nurse asks.
"(Insert anti-psychotic here since I can't spell it)," Her dad responds.
"And what school does she go to?" The nurse asks.
"(Insert school here)," Sia's dad says.
"Right, we'll be with you in just a second," The triage nurse says before Sia and her dad gets taken back to the waiting room.
There was a short wait before Sia was called to the room in the A&E department that she was familiar with. A nurse walks into the room and sits down with her notepad. Sia starts explaining everything, "I feel like I failed everyone. I failed Miss (Teacher), I failed Mrs (Teacher2), I failed Mr (Teacher3). I failed everyone," She explains.
"Ok, is there anything else you'd like to say?" The nurse questions.
"I think that's it," Sia says. Afterwards Sia's dad gets called into the room and the nurse looked like she was about to say something to him but she refrained from doing so. Then they go out to the corridor and the nurse says something weird, "Right, I need your IP address, everything," She says. Sia's dad unlocks the code to his phone. Sia could hear everything that was going on and starts sweating out of fear. Was she really going to get sent to prison now? They then go back to the waiting room yet again and Sia starts hearing even more strange things. People talking about her.
"She's going to get sent to magistrates' court," One nurse says.
"Wait until her mum hears about this," Another nurse retorts sternly. Then it sounds like her mum did hear about what she had supposedly done, "Oh she's pissed."
Sia doesn't say anything but comes up to the doorway and widens her eyes. What the hell was happening? Was she actually a criminal now? She gets taken to one of the cubicles inside the A&E department with her dad by a nurse. The nurse's smile seemed so fake which internally worried her even more. She was fucked. What was even worse is that the A&E cubicle was right near the nurse's station so she could hear every single word that the nurses said. She sits down onto the hospital bed and lays down. Her dad stayed with her all night so she couldn't sleep because of his snoring. But whatever. Apart from that it was dead silent. She thinks about the rapports that she's made over her time at being in secondary school. She doesn't want to lose her reputation. She doesn't want to go to Youth Court either and face the consequences for being a criminal. But realistically, what crime did she commit? The nurses didn't say. All they said was, "She's going to magistrates' court the next morning." This gave her even more of a reason for her not to sleep. She looks through the glass windows and gulps.
"(Name)? She has OCD. But Sia... she has absolutely nothing. No diagnosis," Which made them imply that Sia was faking her psychosis. But she wasn't. She didn't even know why she was here. Why couldn't she just go to the police station if she was a criminal instead of being in hospital? Yes, they also said that they needed to investigate her but still. She was just confused, anxious and scared at this point of her future. Her pulse was checked and it was beating at 140 beats per minute.
authors note: ok this is getting really long so im going to stop this and make a separate part
The nurse goes into her room and begins asking her questions whilst doing an ECG which was strange to say the least. All Sia could do was just answer the nurse's questions. And this certainly wasn't the last time that they were going to do an ECG. Sia just kept the fact that she could be a potential criminal all in her head in order to not make it worse.
Soon enough, the morning would arrive and she wasn't arrested. No police officer, no one who could explain what was going on. This made her even more anxious. Why couldn't they just say it to her face?
Eventually, she was given breakfast but refused to eat because the nurses kept on making remarks about her situation.
"Why can't you eat?" Her dad asks.
"I just don't want to," Sia says, not knowing how to explain why she didn't want to eat. Meanwhile, her dad couldn't hear what was going on with Sia and the fact that the nurses kept on talking about her.
Sia didn't trust the nurses whatsoever. She also thought that they were trying to have a go at her, to find something to ridicule her on. For example, just a few hours earlier Sia smirked at a bin and that caused the nurses to make that comment about going to magistrates' court. For what? She couldn't understand. But she felt like a criminal anyways for not controlling her facial expressions.
After breakfast, Sia lays down on her bed, her veins still pumping with adrenaline. She didn't bring her phone with her so she couldn't update everyone on The Mix what was going on. How could she? Maybe they were after her too. Maybe the information she put down when she signed up could be tracked to the police.
A few ECGs later, people continued to talk about Sia. But it got worse. The IP address that her dad may have provided tracked her to her address, meaning they could find about her search history. Everything she did in the past could be found. Or at least that's what she thought.
"Find out everything about her search history," One nurse says.
Shit. Her search history was full of information that she doesn't want strangers to see, even if they were healthcare professionals.
authors note: im pretty sure this is like illegal but thats what psychosis does to you
Sia tries to come up to the nurses' station to ask what was going on, but as soon as she tried to speak it was like something or someone was holding her back and she goes back to her room, dragging her kaye walker along with her. She felt like it was some higher being, a God of some sort preventing her from speaking. She rummages through her bag and tries to find some fresh clothes despite it only being a day when she arrived to A&E. She goes to the bathroom and gets dressed since there were glass windows and no curtains in her cubicle. The perfect place to see a criminal. So she went to the bathroom and got changed before coming out of there feeling fresh. The bathroom was the only place where she could feel safe without people talking about her.
Sia's dad then asks, "Did you brush your teeth?"
"No, I'm fine thanks," Sia says. Speaking of which, her parents forgot to pack a toothbrush for her. But that was the least of her concerns.
---
It was as if she blinks, and Sia is found in a hospital gown with all of her other clothes taken off. A few days must have passed, and it was as if all of the days molded together so she couldn't quite remember what led her to this place. People were still talking about her and Sia couldn't quite take it anymore. She was on the cold hard floor, her back against the wall with only a pillow supporting it. People were talking about sending her to a secret government facility where her bones would be broken and she would practically be tortured.
authors note: again, this is illegal. this is literally how my psychosis happened.
The same two original mental health professionals from the CAMHS crisis team arrive and come into Sia's cubicle, "Why are you on the floor?" One of them asks.
"Because I don't deserve it," Sia says, looking at both of them in the eye.
"You know you can sit on the bed. It's comfortable," The other mental health professional says,
"I don't want to sit on the bed, I don't deserve it," Sia repeats.
---
Another time in the A&E department, Sia was throwing up into the cardboard sick bowl because everyone found out that she was a despicable criminal. Her friends, her entire family except for her dad and her school. In the background she could hear, "Enjoy your breakfast" By one of her classmates. She was in fact eating breakfast but she couldn't quite stomach it.
She's a criminal.
She's a criminal!
SHE'S A FUCKING CRIMINAL!
That's what she could hear them all say. The nurses, her classmates, her teachers, her family.
authors note: i know this is getting complicated but stick with me on this one
Hell even Sia's mum says that she won't ever be able to visit Russia because of what she had supposedly done. And her mum wasn't even from Russia.
"I can't wait until they get rid of her," One member of the public says whilst in A&E. The public knew what was going on? This was bad. Very bad.
"Girls in there get pregnant quickly," The nurse says, gossiping about Sia, "Soon she'll have loads of kids."
"Especially because of how vulnerable she is," Another adds.
authors note: ok i covered 2/3 of the sneak peeks, gonna write another part to this again
I felt so moved as you described just how vulnerable it feels to break down in front of mental health professionals who are also strangers, making A&E visits, or to have to wait years and years and years for support. I felt Sia's nerves so much too as she contemplated taking the anti-psychotic medication, grappling with that question of whether or not she was 'sick', whether or not taking them was the right decision - all the while having to reconfigure how you think and feel about yourself and what you're experiencing. Overhearing nurses and other medical professionals talking about you too sounds infruiating and again so vulnerable, esspecially when you're there for support.
How did it feel to write these, Toffuna? Is writing something you often do?
It would be an honour to read anything else you wish to share in the future if you do decide to!
You mentioned hearing voices in your first story, so wanted to share this organisation with you too which supports people who do experience voice-hearing:
https://www.voicecollective.co.uk/
yes i do write often. it feels good to finally share to this community what sia and i have been through. thank you for sharing the link, ive heard of voice collective before.
Sia watches this as the nurse does so, feeling unusually numb despite the fear that she was experiencing the previous few days. It was now the 29th of February, a day that seemed cursed because of Sia's current predicament.
"Let's try this medicine," The nurse says as the CAMHS crisis team come to Sia with the syringe of medicine inside.
"Take this medicine," The assistant psychologist says. Sia narrows her eyes. She assumed that they were trying to sedate her so that the police would come and take her away although it would be the last option.
"No," Sia says, shaking her head.
The nurse realises that Sia didn't take the medicine and tries other medicines. Each time Sia refused it.
(Flashback)
"I'm a good girl, I know I am," Sia says at the bathroom mirror as she tries to cry but just couldn't. She was in the disabled bathroom where it was big and spacious. Obviously everyone overheard her and she exited the bathroom, overhearing how everyone heard her.
"There will be no comfort, there will be no heating, it will be cold and dirty," The nurses were talking about her again. When will it ever stop? If they wanted to send her to a secret government facility, why not do so now?
(Flashforward back to the present)
Eventually, they get to the last possible medication and Sia only takes half a tablet in fear that she would get poisoned or the voices would start again. In fact, they said the medication would cause Sia to hear voices.
"That's not good enough," The nurse says in the background as they write 'school' on the whiteboard. On the whiteboard there was also Sia's name and the number of medication she had tried to take. Furthermore, the nurse also writes, "To be continued..."
She swears that she got deja vu when she wrote that down. First it was with the talk with the two psychiatrists when she got diagnosed. Then it was this. She must've gotten it from a dream somehow.
Later on, the registrar talks to Sia's dad about what happened. She wasn't sure what they were talking about but she presumed that they were gossiping about her. Telling about all of the wrong stuff she did in the past to make her a supposed criminal.
Meanwhile, the CAMHS crisis team were talking about Sia, about how she was faking it all and they wouldn't wish this on a mentally ill person.
"The school has no lifts," One of them says. Sia looks at her kaye walker.
Which school was she going to be sent to?
For the first time in ages, Sia gets some sleep that night in a hospital bed. Her mind was just exhausted from it all. When she woke up, well, she was half asleep, she saw two people. One man and one woman. The woman greeted her and Sia immediately went back to sleep. When she came round she was in that same glass cubicle and the man was sitting right by her bedside.
"Where's my dad?" Sia asks.
"He had to go," The man says. The man and the woman were likely healthcare assistants.
"Why are you here?" Sia asks, confused still.
"I along with (name) are here to look after you," The man says, going on his phone whilst talking.
"Um, okay..." Sia trails off, noticing that it was still night. Sia gets up and paces round to the nurses' station and back to her cubicle to pass the time. No one really seemed to care that much.
"Sia has eight weeks; her mum said. She's lucky," One nurse says. Sia faces the two nurses confused as they talked to each other.
"She'll go by helicopter, right?"
"Maybe by boat. But still, she's lucky."
Sia was confused. Does this mean she's going to a different country? But still, she didn't speak to them about it.
But she was still a criminal. Or at least that's what she thought.
authors note: all of whats happening is sia's psychosis.
March 2024
"Come, let me help you shower," Sia mum says, taking off her clothes in the bathroom. Sia, still confused, decides not to say anything in fear that someone may be holding back her words again about this whole situation. The warm water runs down her hair and face and Sia's mum starts scrubbing her hair with shampoo and later conditioner. Afterwards, she rinses her hair off and Sia proceeds to clean her body with body wash. Or rather, her mum does it for her because of her state of mind. After the shower was finished, Sia gets dressed into some fresh clothes and Sia's mum wheels her into the glass cubicle again. Her dad was in the room too. He must have waited for Sia to get back.
"Take a picture of me please," Sia says with a deadpan expression.
"Um, sure," Sia's dad says, taking a picture of her using his phone. Sia then sees the picture and notices how expressionless she looked. Like something was off. But she didn't notice it at the time.
Soon, Sia's mum would dry Sia's hair and Sia had lunch. She reluctantly ate after some encouragement from her parents and the food didn't taste that bad. But it was still hard to stomach because she felt like she didn't deserve it, but she ate nevertheless.
The staff decide to move Sia to the mental health room in the hospital and out of the A&E. Sia felt like it was a prison cell. There was no TV or any other entertainment. It was just a simple bathroom and bed. The lighting was moderate too so it felt like a horror film.
Sia lays down on the bed and looks around, ready to accept her fate. Her dad sat on the chair next to her.
"Isn't it dinner soon?" Sia asks her dad, smelling the hospital food from a mile away.
"I think so," Sia's dad says, "Do you want some food?" He asks.
Sia was about to say no when her stomach growled, "Yes..."
Sia's dad goes to get some food.
authors note: and yes i call it dinner
She waits for a moment before her dad comes back with sausages and potato wedges, "Here you go," For some reason, it felt as if her dad was glaring at her. Maybe he secretly hated her now because she was a criminal.
"Thanks," Sia says before starting to eat. Unlike the lunch she had earlier, the hospital food tasted stale and after a few bites she couldn't eat any more of it, "I'm not hungry anymore," She lies.
Sia's dad tries the meal himself and mutters to himself, "Who can eat this stuff?"
Suddenly, an important individual, likely the government or the police says, "We're right here," It was a voice, not a physical person. This startled Sia but she tried not to show any emotion. So she goes to the bathroom.
"I'll be right back," Sia says to her dad as she goes in.
10 minutes later, Sia was laying down on her bed waiting for something to happen when one of the healthcare professionals speak, "She's going to (Name of Ward)," The name of the ward immediately freaks her out because it reminds her of police sirens. Somehow, they were able to see her, "Why is she freaking out? The name of the ward is named after a flower," Which freaked her out even more. Were there cameras in this room!?
Sia and her dad get taken to the children's ward and fortunately for Sia she had her own cubicle because a lot of the other children didn't have their own rooms. She lays down onto the bed and Sia's dad sits down next to her bedside.
"Now, I have to go soon," Sia's dad says.
"That's fine," Sia replies.