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Very long post
Redemption
Posts: 3,746 Community Veteran
I have spoken about setbacks and everything many times but I thought I will post talking about my life as a whole with context to things like my struggles and experiences etc. A lot of this might be repeated but some I don't think I've mentioned before.
School Life
My life has been filled with setbacks, and it feels like everything is adding up to create a weight that I can't shake. I’ve always struggled with worrying about the future, and this has shaped much of my experience. From a young age, I’ve felt uncertain about where I’m going, and after school, I didn’t ever expect it to be this hard. I spent much of my school life moving between different schools. That constant change made it harder to settle, build lasting friendships, or feel secure. It added to my sense of uncertainty and made it difficult to feel like I truly belonged anywhere.
I tried to find my way by returning to education after leaving school, hoping it would help me get on track, but it didn’t go well. The first time, I ended up leaving early because I just didn’t enjoy it and couldn’t settle. I gave it another go not long after, thinking a fresh start might make a difference, but the stress I felt didn’t go away. It still didn’t feel right, and I couldn’t see a clear path forward.
College
Eventually, I enrolled in a construction course, thinking it could be something practical and hands-on, but I was withdrawn from it without much explanation. After dropping out of college, I ended up going back to the same college and completing the course there. But it never felt right, and I never felt like I truly found my place or purpose.
No One on My Side feeling Alone
For years, I’ve felt like people don’t really understand what I’m going through. It’s not just about school or college not going well, or jobs not working out—it’s about all the doubts I carry every single day. Every time something goes wrong, it adds to a long list of times I feel like I’ve failed—dropping out, being withdrawn, getting nowhere with job applications, or trying courses that didn’t lead anywhere. On top of that, I’ve had difficult relationships, fallouts with people, and situations where others have been rude or frustrated with me. And each time something like that happens, I question myself: “Am I the problem? Am I just a bad person?”
The Present
Despite all of my effort, the setbacks make me feel like I can’t do anything right. Not being in paid work yet has been a constant frustration, and the pressure to figure my life out weighs heavily on me. That pressure feels like it’s only getting heavier with time. When people doubt me or say something even slightly negative, I take it to heart. It puts me constantly on edge and makes me sensitive to criticism. No matter how small the comment or how hard I try, it feels like I’m always falling short.
Lately, the stress has built up to the point where I’ve felt physically sick. I’ve gagged from being so overwhelmed and anxious. It’s exhausting and makes getting through each day feel like a bigger challenge. I just need support—emotionally, practically, anything. I’ve carried all this for so long that I don’t feel like I can keep doing it on my own.
How I Think It Affects Me
I look around and see people managing to succeed, finding their place, building relationships, and getting on with life—and I can’t help but feel like I don’t fit in. Like I’m the one who’s always out of step. That thought doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve spent years believing I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not capable. Every small failure or negative experience just stacks on top of the last one. And it becomes this massive weight I’m carrying, making it hard to even imagine what progress would feel like.
A lot of the failures and the fact that things haven’t gone smoothly in the past really affect me now. I often think about where I hoped I’d be by this point in my life and compare it to where I actually am. That gap between expectation and reality weighs heavily on me. It adds to the stress, the shame, and the self-doubt. I feel like I’m falling behind, like I’ve missed key chances to build the kind of life I want. And as the years pass, that pressure only grows stronger. It’s like I’m stuck in a cycle that’s getting harder to break out of with time.
How I Felt for Years—No One Understands, Like No One on My Side, Alone
Even though I try to stay hopeful and keep going, it feels like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t escape. I do take responsibility for the things that are my fault, and maybe that’s part of what makes it so heavy—knowing some of this came from decisions I made. I just want to move forward, to break out of this pattern, but the doubt, the pressure, and everything I’ve been through make it feel like I’m constantly battling against myself. And honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing that alone. The place I have felt that understands me the most and made me feel less alone is this community so this is why I decided to post it because I still have a while left here and I wanted to talk about how important it is to me, also to this might help you to support me the best even better than you do.
School Life
My life has been filled with setbacks, and it feels like everything is adding up to create a weight that I can't shake. I’ve always struggled with worrying about the future, and this has shaped much of my experience. From a young age, I’ve felt uncertain about where I’m going, and after school, I didn’t ever expect it to be this hard. I spent much of my school life moving between different schools. That constant change made it harder to settle, build lasting friendships, or feel secure. It added to my sense of uncertainty and made it difficult to feel like I truly belonged anywhere.
I tried to find my way by returning to education after leaving school, hoping it would help me get on track, but it didn’t go well. The first time, I ended up leaving early because I just didn’t enjoy it and couldn’t settle. I gave it another go not long after, thinking a fresh start might make a difference, but the stress I felt didn’t go away. It still didn’t feel right, and I couldn’t see a clear path forward.
College
Eventually, I enrolled in a construction course, thinking it could be something practical and hands-on, but I was withdrawn from it without much explanation. After dropping out of college, I ended up going back to the same college and completing the course there. But it never felt right, and I never felt like I truly found my place or purpose.
No One on My Side feeling Alone
For years, I’ve felt like people don’t really understand what I’m going through. It’s not just about school or college not going well, or jobs not working out—it’s about all the doubts I carry every single day. Every time something goes wrong, it adds to a long list of times I feel like I’ve failed—dropping out, being withdrawn, getting nowhere with job applications, or trying courses that didn’t lead anywhere. On top of that, I’ve had difficult relationships, fallouts with people, and situations where others have been rude or frustrated with me. And each time something like that happens, I question myself: “Am I the problem? Am I just a bad person?”
The Present
Despite all of my effort, the setbacks make me feel like I can’t do anything right. Not being in paid work yet has been a constant frustration, and the pressure to figure my life out weighs heavily on me. That pressure feels like it’s only getting heavier with time. When people doubt me or say something even slightly negative, I take it to heart. It puts me constantly on edge and makes me sensitive to criticism. No matter how small the comment or how hard I try, it feels like I’m always falling short.
Lately, the stress has built up to the point where I’ve felt physically sick. I’ve gagged from being so overwhelmed and anxious. It’s exhausting and makes getting through each day feel like a bigger challenge. I just need support—emotionally, practically, anything. I’ve carried all this for so long that I don’t feel like I can keep doing it on my own.
How I Think It Affects Me
I look around and see people managing to succeed, finding their place, building relationships, and getting on with life—and I can’t help but feel like I don’t fit in. Like I’m the one who’s always out of step. That thought doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve spent years believing I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not capable. Every small failure or negative experience just stacks on top of the last one. And it becomes this massive weight I’m carrying, making it hard to even imagine what progress would feel like.
A lot of the failures and the fact that things haven’t gone smoothly in the past really affect me now. I often think about where I hoped I’d be by this point in my life and compare it to where I actually am. That gap between expectation and reality weighs heavily on me. It adds to the stress, the shame, and the self-doubt. I feel like I’m falling behind, like I’ve missed key chances to build the kind of life I want. And as the years pass, that pressure only grows stronger. It’s like I’m stuck in a cycle that’s getting harder to break out of with time.
How I Felt for Years—No One Understands, Like No One on My Side, Alone
Even though I try to stay hopeful and keep going, it feels like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t escape. I do take responsibility for the things that are my fault, and maybe that’s part of what makes it so heavy—knowing some of this came from decisions I made. I just want to move forward, to break out of this pattern, but the doubt, the pressure, and everything I’ve been through make it feel like I’m constantly battling against myself. And honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing that alone. The place I have felt that understands me the most and made me feel less alone is this community so this is why I decided to post it because I still have a while left here and I wanted to talk about how important it is to me, also to this might help you to support me the best even better than you do.
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Comments
I know we have discussed a lot of this before together (which is totally okay!) so I want to reiterate that we do hear you, and we hear how long and arduous this journey has been for you, and it sounds a lot like you feel like you've had the same repeating emotions all throughout your life and that they are hard to escape, does that sound right?
You mentioned moving schools a lot and not feeling like you fit in and I don't think this is something you have mentioned much, could I ask if you feel comfortable to share the reasons why you moved a lot and what migt make you feel like you don't belong in these places or form relationships with people?
Uncertainty is a horrible feeling to sit with and I hear that it's a lot of what you've felt for your whole life, so I can see why it would feel so draining and that you wonder how much longer you can deal with it. You've done great to get to this stage, truly, and I know you have counselling at the moment too so I hope that is something you are finding helpful too!
Hey leyla, just noticed I got a reply from you, thanks so much, I didn't think I was going to get replies here as it's quite long, I saw I got virtual hugs which is great and I appreciate them too but I appreciate your reply especially plus considering like you said we have discusssed a lot of this over time on our support threads, there's maybe a couple of things we haven't too but either way everything has been repetitive so that sounds right, repeating emotions etc.
I think it was diffrent reasons like not settling in, issues at school. I think we spend a lot of our childhoods at school so it needs to be bare able. Yh I have felt I don't belong in certain schools maybe.
Uncertainty is definitely not fun. Thanks so much for the kindness, really appreciate the reply especially from you who's been with me on my journey so far.