What did I do to deserve friends like this

So growing up friendships where always a strange experience for me
Like i had a long friendship since I was a baby but I dont know if we were friends because our parents were friends or what but as soon as secondary school hit we drifted apart, like i see them every now and again in passing.
Then there is the whole thing that ive never really fitted in and always felt like an outsider when with friends - i was always different and didn't gel with the group, I was always isolated and left out of gathering. To make matters worse they would make excuses of why i wasn't invited.
Then comes the whole mental health side of things, for ages we would meet up in spoons and have a meal but last times i saw them i obvs didn't eat and i had to make excuse as to why because they didn't know about the eating disorder (still don't and won't ever know)

Now comes my most recent (newly revived friendship)
This friendship has been amazing and is something I've used to "keep me here" but I've been feeling more like a burden to them and in all honestly I don't want to hurt them with my thoughts or actions that I want to cut them off.
Like today she's been messaging me asking how I am (i said i was struggling but am fine) so she's been asking what I want to do when we both have a day off. In all honesty I can't think that far ahead.
Then its like she convincing me I'm not broken and that even if it makes me uncomfy i need to be honest on my CEDT assessment otherwise nothing will change. She convincing me im not broken. She keeps telling me everyone cares about me and wants to see me happy again - and that those at work like my GM and AGM want to support me.

What did I do to ever deserve a friend like that
But how do I not hurt them with how im feeling and the constant negative and unhealthy/dangerous thoughts i have.
I dont want her to believe that she failed as a friend and couldnt save me.

How do I distance myself without worrying her ?

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Comments

Sian321

Hi @Lottie5433 , how are you doing this morning? Thank you so much for making this post and for opening up about this.

From what you've shared, it sounds as though friendships in the past have felt painful and confusing at times, never really feeling like you fit in and being an outsider who wasn't always invited or included. I can imagine that hurt.

And then now you are in this friendship which feels amazing on the one hand, and so caring and loving, and yet, it feels extreamly tough to trust maybe, or to trust that you won't become 'too much' or a burden and push her away? Have I heard that correctly?

That is so valid, Lottie, and I really hear how much you care about her - you don't want to hurt her in any way and it sounds to me like your friendship with her feels precious, and in some ways, cutting her off feels like protecting her to an extent - would that be fair to say? It sounds like it's really hard to allow yourself to recieve the care and kindness she wants to give you, and it's even harder to believe that you deserve to be treated that way. I hear you, Lottie, and you're doing so well to talk about this. When we have past expereinces of people being disingenuous or hurtful towards us, it can be really hard to trust that care from someone new is truly that - care. It can feel so, so vulnerable.

I wonder what it might be like to share some of these fears with your friend to give her the chance to share her perspective, maybe? I wonder whether she might be able to confirm for you that she does not expereince you as a burden? I also hear you wanting to take responsibility for taking care of her here - pulling away from her before she gets hurt. But I wonder whether some of that responsibility lies with her too - with it being her responsibility to be honest with you when she's feeling tired or doesn't have capacity to listen as deeply as she usually would. And then that takes the responsibility off of you to be trying to guess how she's feeling? You don't have to try to read her mind then, because you know she is taking care of herself and you can take care of you. What do you feel? How does that sound?

We're here with you to listen, Lottie, and there is no right or wrong here. You don't have to have all the answers and we're listening witout judgement.

Lottie5433

Hi @Sian321 sorry for a delayed response I was at work hosting an Easter event when I revieved this (curreny can't sleep so relying now as midnight). For the most part I was masking how I was feeling that morning only because I was at work.

Friendships have been painful and confusing more so because as I grew up I couldn't ever distinguish who was being genuine and who was toxic (learnt the hard way most of the time). As I got older they got more painful so just kinda distanced myself from making friends more so acquaintances.

And then now you are in this friendship which feels amazing on the one hand, and so caring and loving, and yet, it feels extreamly tough to trust maybe, or to trust that you won't become 'too much' or a burden and push her away? Have I heard that correctly?

Yeah you have heard that correctly, like she's never told me im a burden and would never so anything to hurt me but i just feel too much and that I need to push her away almost to protext myself from the "expected" outcome of being friends.

That is so valid, Lottie, and I really hear how much you care about her - you don't want to hurt her in any way and it sounds to me like your friendship with her feels precious, and in some ways, cutting her off feels like protecting her to an extent - would that be fair to say?

My friendship with her is precious like I don't want to ever loose her as a friend - she's been amazing at supporting me when I want it but also giving me the space when I need it. But yes cutting her off slowly feels like i would be protecting her from the inevitable of my mental health winning and me loose the battle of life.

I wonder what it might be like to share some of these fears with your friend to give her the chance to share her perspective, maybe? I wonder whether she might be able to confirm for you that she does not expereince you as a burden? I also hear you wanting to take responsibility for taking care of her here - pulling away from her before she gets hurt. But I wonder whether some of that responsibility lies with her too - with it being her responsibility to be honest with you when she's feeling tired or doesn't have capacity to listen as deeply as she usually would. And then that takes the responsibility off of you to be trying to guess how she's feeling? You don't have to try to read her mind then, because you know she is taking care of herself and you can take care of you. What do you feel? How does that sound?

i have shared these fear with her before and she's giving me the perspective that im not a burden to her and she jsut wants to be there for me and support me. She just wants to see me happy and bubbly again like she remembers from our earlier previous friendship like 5+ years ago
we both have the same view that no matter how we feel, we want tk support eachother. Im never honest with her and even if im not mentally okay i will still support her and hype her up when she's struggling, and she does the same for me. Even if she didn't have capacity to listen i wouldn't know because with her ADHD she will forget to message anyway so I would just think thats the case than her not having capacity to listen - if you get what i mean?
I feel I'm constantly reading other's minds just as a way to protext me - so ill distance myself and mask no matter who I'm around as a way to keep me safe and out of harms way.
I guess that sound like a more logical way to think of things that if I ask her if she's okay to listen, and if she notices it know it's because she needs to take time for herself. However, no matter who it is and what they say - even if its genuine - my mind will jump the gun and believe I'm an inconvenience and a burden and that I need to shut myself off/away to protect everyone.

We're here with you to listen, Lottie, and there is no right or wrong here. You don't have to have all the answers and we're listening witout judgement.

sometimes writing these posts and opening up doesn't feel like im being heard or listened to and I'm just getting silently judge by everyone who read them. No matter what they say or don't say. I guess that's the broken fucjed up side of my brain.

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