(TW- Eating Disorder) I think my Parents are worried

TW: Eating disorder and Self-harm

For a few years now I have struggled with an Eating disorder but its only been in the last year that anyone has known including the GP; as i was diagnosed in December 2023 and started treatment February 2024. I wanted to keep this to myself, and for the most part i did, no one expected it coz i was (still not) what people stereo-typically believe someone to have an ED to look or behave like.

Now to get to why i think my parents are worried

Yesterday I went to the Gym and a dance class, here i was talking to my mum's friend about how my therapy might be starting up again but they old therapist was never happy with my going gym daily alongside runs with my dog and fitness classes. This is where i sipped up and told her that i was in therapy for an Eating disorder - i wish i didnt do this coz i think she told my mum later on that day.
Yesterday evening i was lying on the sofa and as i got up i became really dizzy and had to just stand and wait whilst my eyes and body adjusted. My parents both looked at me with that "concerned Parent" look and i just said i was dizzy, to which my mum said it was coz i didnt eat. so to please her i had a snack but took it to my bedroom. Shortly after she came upstairs she had no reason to go upstairs so she clearly came to "check" on me
Because it was hot/warm yesterday and i was at the gym i wore shorts most of the day, and i believe my parents saw my self-harm (like its not anything new to them but i dont think they have seen my legs for a while, but also the ones they saw were healed so werent bad or anything. i think they just thought it was isolated to my arms)
They have also seen more bruises on me, there is 2 potential causes for this though. I could have a blood clotting disorder that my mum has and carries the gene for but i need to have genetic testing if i want to find out if i have it to. i think it is mainly from the lack of nutrients i have - due to not eating enough and my ED behaviours

This is it really as to why i think they are mainly worried too

However im scared that they know more because my sister will tell them things when she been rooting through my things but also by my reaction to certain questions or topics and my appearance at times

I just dont know what to do, how can i make them not know anything?
there are still some things they dont know but that wont be for long knowing my luck

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Self-Harm

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Comments

shannon_164

hey @Lottie5433 🙂

i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. it sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure, not just from your struggles with your ed and self harm, but also from the fear of your parents knowing too much. that’s a really heavy burden to carry, and i want you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone.

i get why you want to keep things private, sometimes it feels safer that way, like having control over who knows what, but at the same time, it sounds like your parents are genuinely worried because they care about you. even if their concern feels overwhelming or frustrating, it’s coming from a place of love.

that being said, you shouldn’t have to feel like you need to constantly hide or manage what they do and don’t know. it must be exhausting to always be on guard. maybe instead of focusing on making sure they don’t know, you could think about what level of openness would feel safest for you, wether that’s setting boundaries with them, redirecting conversations, or even just reassuring them in a way that doesn’t feel like too much for you?

i know this is all so overwhelming, and i just want you to remember that you’re not alone. you don’t have to go through this by yourself, and you deserve support, whether that’s from your therapist, a trusted friend, or us.

we are all here for you, no judgment, always. please be gentle with yourself

Sian321

Hey @Lottie5433 , thank you so much for making this post and for sharing what you have

I'd really like to echo what @shannon_164 has said here - while I understand that you don't want your parents to worry about you or to find more out, it does sound as though their worry is coming from a place of genuine care.

I can imagine it might feel really tiring trying to hide parts of what you're feeling, or to feel like you have to catch yourself and watch your reactions in case you 'slip up' and give away information. That's a lot to be monitoring and keeping track of every day.

At the same time, I do also get the sense that having your parents be worried about you or checking up on you might also be feeling a bit suffocating - would that be fair to say? I wonder, what are you most anxious might happen with your parents finding out more or see more of what you're going through? What do you worry the outcome of this might be?

You're doing so well to talk about this, Lottie, and again, I really want to echo what Shannon has said above about just how much you do deserve support. I hear that it's scary letting others see. Maybe it feels terrifying. But it sounds as though things are serious, Lottie, and your health - both physically and emotionally - matters so much. I wonder if there's anything that might help you open up a conversation with your parents in a more safe-feeling way? E.g. to write something down on paper for them to read in a different room. Or to send them a link to a video or website relating to disordered eating and self-harm for them to read in their own time away from you. You deserve to not have to go through all of this behind closed doors.

We're here for you without judgement, and listening to whatever you wish to share at your own pace

Lottie5433

Sorry that I haven't answered anyone on here, I appreciate your comments and have read them ❤️.

My ED has got worse over the last week now and that's purly down to stress at work.

I tried setting boundaries with my parents which they followed to begin with and now they dont and I dont have the energy to readdress them.

At the same time, I do also get the sense that having your parents be worried about you or checking up on you might also be feeling a bit suffocating - would that be fair to say?

yes thay is fair to say about how it makes me feel.

I worry they will be over bearing again and monitor everything and make me sit with them to eat etc
I worry they are just going to be judgmental again.
I tried giving them a letter and documents on what my ED is and how best to help last year. They read it and said they understood it and didnt have questions but yet they are doing the opposite to what I wrote

MatchaMia

Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you for sharing how you've been feeling, please feel free to message here whenever you'd like company and people to talk to.

It sounds very stressful to be on guard almost on the constant, and feeling as though you are unable to relax with the people in your life - I can imagine how that could be so tiring at times for your body and mind to maintain. I know this may just re-iterate what Sian and Shannon said, but your health and wellbeing is definitely super important and I wonder if the stress of your parents knowing more about your feelings and treatment is perhaps unhelpful for your ED? How do you think you'd feel / or / what are you hoping to hear / see, if you were able to share openly with your parents? I agree that sometimes it can feel like having control over how close people get to you will feel safe, and maybe even feel easier, because you wouldn't have to go through difficult conversations. However, in the long term, it could be quite isolating, and thinking that you'll 100% be misunderstood, is such a heavy feeling. I imagine it's all very scary to navigate, but I am glad that you could identify a comfortable place of communication (the letter), and share more about your ED last year - that takes strength, and so does giving those who care for you a chance to support you.

I'm sorry that they no longer consider your boundaries, was there a particular reason for why things changed?

I can understand why it could be frustrating to feel as though you are being monitored too much - you want to be able to breathe and have control. I do think it's important to consider that sometimes the really hard parts e.g., eating with someone, are the things that will help in recovery, and although they appear to be super uncomfortable and challenging, they are just as doable with support - like the support your parents would like to give, from the sounds of it. Perhaps by sharing more with your parents, you can actually regain some of that control, in different ways. For example, if they'd like to eat with you, you can decide on how often in a day...maybe you could work together in planning your meals and have a say on some of the food that's cooked...? Letting people in is hard, but shouldering things on your own, can be even harder on your body and mind. Like what the others said, you deserve to be cared for, and you are worth having difficult conversations for.

May I ask what kind of judgement you received in the past? Would it help to have a member of your treatment team present when you feel ready to readdress those concerns with your parents?

I know it's much easier said than done, but please remember to be patient and kind to yourself - you are working through something hard, and some days it can feel like it'll never get any easier, but by doing the hard things, you are already one step forward.

Lottie5433

Hi @MatchaMia, thank you for the response I appreciate it ❤️

Im not sure how to answer so of the questions you asked 😕.
My parents stopped respecting my boundaries when they thought i was "Recovered" and when treatment ended.
Ive recieved judgement on the behaviours I have, my appearance (doesn't aline with stereotypical people with eating disorders), the compensatory behaviour i have too.

Thank you again

Lottie5433

So i have to see the ED health nurse again next wednesday and im dreading it.
I dont want to go
Can I email nurse J and cancel it

I just dobt want to see nurse J, because she will ask me quite invasive questions and about how my eating has been. Also the last couple appoitments have gone like no where, like nothing has been wrong so why go now if it's more than likely going to be the same. But also she asks if I get dizzy, palpitation etc. Like she mainly just checks my potassium levels but im scared/worried/anxious that she going to want to do and ecg again and I just find them awkward. She also asks alot about my self harm and suicidal thoughts etc

Also think my parents are defo concerned now
Probably email my gp like they did when meg phoned from uni about something serious i disclosed to her during a meeting i had.

*not sure how much i can say without breaking guidelines so ill put it in a spoiler*

theyve clocked on to that im struggling with my eating again (well what they see)
snd going gym more.
My sisters probably told them more about it but also they query all my amazon parcels too if they sound like something I could use
This evening, my mum heard me being sick - this was a mix of eating disorder struggles but i also just dont feel well. Likely going to have a lecture tomorrow on this.

Well that's what has happened now 😕