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Update on my life - might come back temporarily?
Chloe234
Community Connector Posts: 3,881 Community Veteran
Heyy 
Its been a while since ive been here aha! Obviously as most of you know I left the mix but there is slight possibility I might come back just for a short period of time just so I can try and figure out my footing.
Since I've left I have definitely not had things the easiest. So here's a brief update broken down:
College
Eating (tw)
CAMHS
Social workers getting reinvolved (tw)
There is a fair few other things that have gone on since but I feel like these are some of the key things. Currently I'm on Easter break so I might be popping up on here and in chats a fair bit as I have no support network for atleast 2 - 3 weeks. I've missed you all so so much
Its been a while since ive been here aha! Obviously as most of you know I left the mix but there is slight possibility I might come back just for a short period of time just so I can try and figure out my footing.Since I've left I have definitely not had things the easiest. So here's a brief update broken down:
College
Before i left I shared about some stuff going on with college and them potentially wanting to kick me out. Ive had a couple more meetings since then and now i basically have a support plan in place which requires for me to do things like see safeguarding every morning when im in college, for dad to be contacted every time I disclose something to them and then I also now have an orange spot which allows me to leave lessons when i need to but...im not being kicked out 🥳 my grades were also U's and E's however ive now managed to get it up to a C in a recent mock i did so thats another win, yay!
Eating (tw)
okay so as some of you may know, my eating is something ive struggled with for years but unfortunately it did get quite a bit worse. Before it was kinda something that i didnt really talk to anyone about however now my psychologist knows and we're going to try look into some support around it as we think some of it is trauma linked
CAMHS
So ive been seeing my psychologist for a while now so not much has changed with that however i did finally speak up about not feeling able to be fully open towards my psychologist because hes a male. So hopefully in about 4 weeks I should be able to transfer to a female trauma Councillor where ill hopefullybe more open and also begin to explore different traumas more
Social workers getting reinvolved (tw)
now this is one of my biggest fears and is actually petrifying for me. I never thought that it'd happen but I spoke up about something that's been happening for a while when I went to a family members house and college had to do a social worker referral. I'm yet to have seen them however they're going to carry out a social worker assessment and I think the first time they're coming to see me is next Tuesday. I'm in peices about this and regret saying anything because they are a massive trigger for me however I will have to push through as I can't reverse time unfortunately
There is a fair few other things that have gone on since but I feel like these are some of the key things. Currently I'm on Easter break so I might be popping up on here and in chats a fair bit as I have no support network for atleast 2 - 3 weeks. I've missed you all so so much
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
ahh it is so lovely to hear from you, i’ve really missed having you around!!
it sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot, and i just want to say how proud i am of you for pushing through and still standing strong, even when things have been really hard.
it’s amazing to hear that you’ve been able to turn things around with college, going from U’s and E’s to a C is no small thing, that’s such a big win and having that support plan in place shows how much you’re fighting for yourself, even when it’s tough - i genuinely am so so so proud of you chloe!!!
i’m really sorry to hear things with your eating have been harder lately, but i think it’s so brave that you’ve let your psychologist in and are starting to explore that. Same with speaking up about needing a female counsellor, advocating for what you need is such a huge and empowering step.
i can’t even imagine how scary the situation with social workers must feel for you right now, but i hope you can be kind to yourself and remember you did the right thing by speaking up. even though it’s bringing a lot of emotions, it sounds like you’re protecting your future and that’s really powerful.
i am really glad you might be coming back to the mix, even just for a bit, you’re so valued and loved here, and we’ve all missed you so much.
you have got so much strength in you, even when it doesn’t feel like it
Good to see you
Massive well done on getting the grades up as I know they mean a lot to you, and for not getting kicked out of college. It sounds like you were able to work with them to come up with something that works for you, and that's super positive and great to hear!
It also sounds great that you can soon move over to a female psychologist, and this is something you have spoken about before that would make you feel much more comfortable, I'm glad that they were able to arrange that for you so you can speak about a wider range of things that have happened to you and that go on inside your head, as all of these are so important and deserve to be held in a space where you feel as comfortable as possible. Being able to talk a bit more about the disordered eating will hopefully be a relief for you, and well done for opening up about these things because you're advocating for yourself! I know that seeing a female was more preferable for you, but how do you feel moving to someone new after you've spent so much time with your current guy?
You're doing so great with being self-aware about the fact that this isn't something you can reverse, but I hear it totally that regret at having to speak up. You have opened a new can of worms, and sometimes we can feel comfortable in our suffering because at least it is familiar, but with the social workers coming to do assessments etc I can imagine it has dredged up a lot of feelings you would have rather avoided, am I right in saying that?
You are of course welcome here and in the chats to talk about all of this, as it sounds like a lot of things are changing right now, and even if they may be for the better, it is still extremely daunting for you. Great to see you again, even if it is for a little bit
I don't think it's affecting me too much as I haven't really formed a connection with the guy I have at the moment. Altho I am worried because when I move to this lady we are going to be unpicking trauma a lit and with my current mental health I don't know how much of that I'll be able to manage intop of things like college etc
It really has, and it's not helped with dad's reaction at all. We had an initial letter sent to us about the appointment and dad shoved it in my face as we were sitting down for dinner and was complaining saying we need to switch the time and date because he doesn't want to miss work for it. When he initially found out about what it's about
That makes a lot of sense Chloe, having that strong connection with someone comes with feeling like you can be more open! So feeling worried that unpacking some of it might feel too overwhelming with everything happening is valid, and I was wondering if this is something you might be able to share with your new counsellor? And perhaps you could work collaboratively to find a balance between exploring your trauma and not leading to you feeling entirely overwhelmed by all of the new feelings on top of everything else
Sigh, that sounds like it could be really upsetting to hear Chloe in a situation where you needed a lot of strength to come forward. It sounds like he has been not only dismissive, but also even defending the person who has been causing you so much discomfort with his actions. It also feels like it could be invalidating for him to say he doesn't want to miss work for it, because obviously this sounds like a massive step for you and one you're already worrying about without needing to manage his reactions too
How have other people in the family other than your dad reacted to finding out about this?
I could maybe, my psychologist keeps saying he's trying to get me ready for moving onto it and making sure I'm in the right sorta like state to but I don't think he's seeing a lot that I've been going through mentally because I mask constantly around him. There was one session where I got all teary and he noticed and was asking if I was okay and stuff and I was like "yeah I just yawned"
Yeahhh it's tricky because I don't want them involved either after my past with them and it's the last thing I wanna go through again but he's definitely pissy with me for it all. I wish I could get them to dismiss the case but ik they won't do that.
I haven't told many because I'm ashamed of it but my stepsisters were shocked but said they were on my side. One of them said she wanted to say she was surprised but has seen how he speaks about women and their bodies but she just never thought it'd be towards one of us. My other sister (one I don't live with) was just wanting me to report it. I haven't told my sisters I live with tho because they're gonna hate me when they hear social workers are reinvolved
It really sounds like moving to your new counsellor could be beneficial then if it feels like he doesn't know you at all but he still seems to think he's helping. I'm sure he's fine, but he isn't compatible with your needs and that's totally fine and what your new counsellor is for, and hopefully you feel able to explain your worries about going too hard or fast with unpacking everything you need to. I can imagine that situation with the yawn hehe him thinking he's made a breakthrough but "no sorry I just yawned" hahah
It sounds like a stuck between a rock and a hard place, if it gets swept under then you still feel vulnerable but if they carry on then it causes tension with your dad and potentially your sisters that you live with (which is unfair, because it isn't your fault the social workers needed to get involved, you weren't the one harassing someone, so it seems cruel for them to blame you when you're the victim in this situation)
I'm glad that some of them have been supportive, that's exactly what you deserve, because you aren't the one who has done anything wrong here!!
Thank you for opening up Chloe, it takes a lot especially after time away I know it can feel a bit daunting