(TW// SI, SH) Actually had enough

I think ive actually had enough now.

Im fed up with how fucked up and broken
my brain and body are.

Im done reaching out - might cancel my assessment on the 22nd its going to be useless. They won't care Im suicidal or that im self harming more often, anything like that because ive not been to a hospital for it after an attempt, or needed medical attention for anything.
Might just email the ED nurse back too and cancel my appointment or just not turn up. Nothing is ever wrong anymore so why waste time and resourses going if its the same outcome.

Im just breaking down

Going to speak to my GM (at some point) about how shit i feel about work and a particular person but also about how my mental health has been lately. If nothing can be done about this person, I might just quit and give up my role. With all this has made my suicidal thoughts worse and all I want to do if end my life so I dont have to deal with anything including my own shit.
Doing this is just going to mean im going to be a failure and leave them struggling - like who would do my role, and who can be as flexible as I can be.
Maybe my GM was right last month, that maybe she made the wrong decision with promoting me.
I know if I talk to her she's going to think its work cause I'm picking up extra in my 2nd role. Then she will ask me if im on my meds (which is a no) - she will suggest increasing go on them again but also talk to my GP about them.

I hate my fucking life
Where is the off switch to this
Can I make everything quiet, silent, dark - its all in ask

Anyway I can't be selfish and take the cowards way out. Maybe I just need to shove it all down, bottle it up and shut it away. Suck it up and get on with life

After this thread idk if im going to use boards or chats much - so this is a bye from me for the time being.
For anyone reading your awesome and take care ❤️

// I am "safe". Im just exhausted dealing with it all at this point \\

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Comments

shannon_164

hey @Lottie5433 🙂

i can’t even begin to imagine how heavy all of this feels for you right now. just reading your words, i can feel how exhausted and overwhelmed you are, and i’m really sorry you’re in such a painful place.

firstly, i want you to know that what you’re feeling is valid. you are not weak, broken, or a failure for struggling. you are carrying so much, trying to hold it together at work, pushing through intense mental and physical pain, and still showing up, that’s not weakness, that is incredible strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now!

i know it probably doesn’t help much to hear this from someone through a screen, but you matter. the pain you’re feeling isn’t nothing. you shouldn’t have to hit a “crisis” point for people to take you seriously, that’s a failure of the system, not of you. your self-harm, your thoughts, your burnout, they are all reasons enough to get support. the absence of a hospital visit doesn’t mean you’re not in crisis or that you don’t deserve support - you really do deserve support.

about the assessment on the 22nd, i hear how hopeless you’re feeling about it, like it’s just going to be another dead end, but what if it isn’t? what if it’s one step closer to being heard, to finding someone who listens properly and helps create even a small shift in how things feel? i can totally understand why you are feeling that it will be pointless though, ive been through that same feeling! you don’t have to go into it full of hope though, simply just going into it is enough.

same goes for the ed nurse. you are allowed to feel stuck and disheartened by the lack of progress, but your pain hasn’t stopped mattering. even when nothing “new” feels wrong, you are still struggling and still worthy of care.

i think it’s incredibly brave that you’re even thinking about talking to your gm, especially while you’re in the middle of this. that shows a lot of strength. please remember, though, you are not your job, and it’s not your responsibility to hold it all together at the cost of your own mental health. the right role or promotion shouldn’t make you feel more trapped or more alone. you deserve to be supported there, not silently falling apart.

i hear that you think you would be being selfish if you reach your limit. you are not. it’s not selfish to want the pain to stop, but there are ways to make things quieter without disappearing. maybe not instantly, but they do exist, and you don’t have to find them alone.

i’m really sad that you’re saying goodbye, even if just for now, but if that’s the right decision for you in this moment and if you do step back, i hope it’s to rest, not to disappear because you’re such an important person that brings so much to this world. you’re not alone, and even though i am just someone behind a screen, i care about you and really hope you stay.

you are not a burden. you are not hopeless. you are not too much. you are just exhausted, and you know what? that’s ok! but please, keep going. you have survived everything up to this point, you’ve got that strength in you still - i believe in you!

just in case you need, here are some helplines:

shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258

samaritans (24/7) - call 116123

lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000

papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141

inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036

community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737

knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687

mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393

rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927

kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website

saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000

calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858

suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800

kelly’s heroes (6pm-11pm) - webchat on website

sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505

we’re all here for you - sending you a virtual hug

TheMix

Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you so much for this message. I hear just how much pain you're in, and just how exhausted. We will reach out to you via DM now.

(Sorry this was @Sian321 posting from the wrong account!)

Lottie5433

Thank you @shannon_164, I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to this ❤️
Appreciate your kind words

Lottie5433

TheMix wrote: »

Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you so much for this message. I hear just how much pain you're in, and just how exhausted. We will reach out to you via DM now.

Ive responded to the DM, but no need to check on me anymore.
Im fine and ✨️Thriving✨️