(Mentions of suicide and self harm) Do I have petulant BPD?

bignosegirly0 · April 3

Although I knew I was already a horrible person, I thought deeply about how much of a monster I’ve become over the last two years.

And whilst I’m on a waiting list, I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. In the past, I suspected I have BPD but brushed it aside.

But I was thinking about asking my therapist about it, just incase I do.

This is the website I’ve used as a reference for symptoms I relate to:

https://thriveworks.com/help-with/disorders/petulant-borderline-personality-disorder/

Evidence that proves I might have petulant bpd:

•I often feel unlovable, worthless, bitter and jealous

•I experience intense mood swings, which includes lashing out and crying

•I have an extreme mindset, either I view someone as “all good” or “all bad”. In addition, during moments where I overthink, the ending thought is “I should kill myself.”

• I’m an impulsive person who often doesn’t think and make regrettable decisions.

• I overshare personal information, including issues with my mental health to coworkers

• I am hypersensitive to rejection / humiliation

•I have poor emotional regulation skills

•I have a negative view of myself, leading to pessimism and a cynical outlook to the world

• I’m emotionally hypersensitive

• Although I haven’t relapse / attempted to end my life, I have a history of self harm and suicidal thoughts / plans / attempts

• I am very defensive and assume the world is out to get me

• this isn’t a symptom on the website, but I’d thought I’d include it. I am very obsessive over those who’ve hurt me. As an example, when a guy has hurt me four years ago, I spent the next four years obsessing 24/7 over how much I hate him, constantly talk about how much I hate him to others (to the point where it becomes bullying) how I’m jealous of his gf, how I want to look like his gf, and obsessively stalk their social media accounts (atleast 20 or more times a day) I’m unsure whether this is a symptom, but it’s definitely not normal.

•In order to protect myself from those who I think are out to get me, I take it to the extreme end and purposely say hurtful and offensive things

Evidence that proves I might not have petulant bpd:

•my issues may be caused by my autism. People with BPD and autism happen to struggle with similar issues, such as intense emotions and poor emotional regulation.

•I don’t have a fear of abandonment. Although I do worry about the fact I might be tricking people into thinking I’m a good person, I don’t beg for them to stay in my life. If anything, I abandon them out of guilt.

Does this sound like petulant BPD or am I wrong?

bignosegirly0 · April 4

Another point I wasn’t too sure too add was a difficulty in expressing emotions. My emotions are very intense and complicated because they’re built from a subset of negative experiences. And whenever I express my negative emotions, I always don’t feel satisfied because I either feel I missed important points or I haven’t expressed myself properly.

As an example, when I was called out for my behaviour through a text, I spent hours writing my response because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. It was long to the point where he got impatient and snappy with me.

Rose113 · April 4

Hey @bignosegirly0 lots of people can have symptoms that show as one disorder however there can be many many many reasons why you can relate to those symptoms and whilst we can’t say yes or no to your question we can guide you to reach out to your doctor as they will be best at helping you especially as they will know more about you rather than we do

Sian321 · April 4

Hey @bignosegirly0 , thank you so much for your post here. It can feel really vulnerable to open up about aspects of ourselves that we struggle with, and you're doing so well here to talk and reach out for help. While we cannot provide direct advice about mental health diagnoses, we're listening without judgement.

Firstly, I noticed you referred to yourself as feeling like a 'monster' these last two years, and you also said you'd like to figure out what's 'wrong' with you. These sounded like two strong statements, and it feels as though you might be carrying quite a lot of self-criticism around this, or shame? I wonder if that feels fair to say?

I hear you, @bignosegirly0 , and you're doing so well to talk about this. I can really hear you getting curious here about your own behaviour and your own feelings, and trying to understand yourself more deeply. This feels really positive. And I hear you wondering too whether some of your experiences might resonate with BPD, or possibly with Autism too. You're doing a lot of deep self-exploration right now, and trying to make sense of how things feel day-to-day, particularly when it comes to mood swings, strong, 'obsessive' feelings, and struggles with feeling unloveable. And I want to acknowledge just how all-consuming it sounds to be coping with each of the things you've described. We hear you, and in our eyes, these experiences certainly don't make you a 'monster,' but a human being who is going through a lot right now and who deserves compassion and support. Though I do hear how overwhelming it can be.

What do you feel is the best next step for you? Would you like to reach out to your GP to begin a conversation? How might it feel to bring these observations and feelings to your therapist and explore them together?

As @Rose113 has mentioned above too, there are so many reasons why a person might resonate with some aspects of specific diagnoses, and those are going to be unique to each person's personal history too. What do you feel a diagnosis would mean for you? Equally, what would not recieving a diagnosis feel like?

bignosegirly0 · April 4

@Sian321 I understand your point regarding my harness towards myself. But I do have to criticise my actions in order to make improvement.

To put it in a more polite manner, throughout the past two years, my constant feelings of hopelessness has transformed into bitterness, leading my pent up emotions to eventually slip and result in me being rude and snappy to others. And although I need to be kind to myself, I have to point out issues which hurts others and make immediate change.

I don’t think it will be long until I receive my first therapy session in a while. When starting my appointment, I want to mention how I think I may suffer from BPD, bring up my symptoms and discuss the next steps.

I feel slightly ashamed to bring this up to my GP, because I don’t know how educated he is in regards to BPD. But I won’t 100% say no to it.

To me, a diagnosis would feel like an explanation as to why I behave the way I do. And it will definitely help me take further steps into knowing what I need to do in order to improve.

Whereas, if I don’t receive a diagnosis, then I guess I have to keep searching for my answer.

(Mentions of suicide and self harm) Do I have petulant BPD?

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